Life Anew!

2012-02-28T01:39:00.000-05:00

Partnering up with my new dance partner has completely changed everything for me. It's the opportunity that I've been wishing for. I've done my time, I've studied hard against all odds, and I have a good foundation. Now, not only is the door open, I have someone in my life escorting me through the door. I'm working harder than I've probably ever worked, so it's not like I'm just expecting these good things to continue coming. But the path has finally been provided. I have found it. All I have to do is work hard from here. Really really really unbelievably hard.

I'm competing this weekend in west coast, which in general just pisses me off, and in hustle, which I'm completely new to, but I love it and I have to compete at the very highest level. I'm not ready for that. I know this. But I can be. I have something like 3 more days to get it together! It's mostly mental at this point, I think. There's only so much practice I can do now, so I have to convince myself I can do this.

Strangely, I actually do believe I can do this. I mean, that's cool. That's what I need. I feel like it's other people that are saying I'm not ready. Others are saying I have to be ready. My partner thinks I'll be ready in a month, so why not right now? This is my debut, but next month, we have to win. Like WIN. Really really win. So this is my dress rehearsal. That's why I'm doing it. No one knows who I am, so it will be the first time they see my hustle, and that means I need to make a good impression, but to me it also means that I really shouldn't have to worry so much. This is just my first time out there. Everyone fails at first. I fail a lot. I know how to lose. If I'm going to win in a month or whatever, I think I have to lose this weekend. If I just happen to win, that'd be awesome too. Then my other dance partners might actually respect me when I beat them.

I WILL beat them. Not just because I'm feeling spiteful. I will beat them because I know I can. I want them to see me for who I am. I want the opportunity to compete against them. I do have a chance this time through. I have to do my thing. Everyone will know what I'm capable of. They will know to expect big things if they're not able to to see that now. My dance partner does, and right now, that's all that matters. He will make me a world champion many times over. I want that on my resume. I want it on my resume next month. If it happens to happen this weekend, that would be cool too.

I was watching the videos of Country Worlds last night. I miss country dancing and country coaches so much today that it just about makes me cry. Maybe I need to just not watch that stuff so I can forget how much I want it in my life. It simply can't play a large role in my life now, but I intend to make it as large as possible. Today I practiced my line dances. I'm good. I can win that too. I need to practice that.

How many titles do you think I can win this year?

Identity Issues

2012-02-22T18:09:00.000-05:00

I have a new struggle today. It's not really new, but it is becoming an important issue in a new light. Since I've been here, I've made a huge effort to be mature- to listen for real instead of talking all the time, to not be manipulative, to live life in a simple, honest, matter-of-fact way. I've done a very good job.

In doing this, however, I'm starting to feel like the people I spend time with don't really know me. So what does it mean for someone to know another person? I've struggled in the past with being fluid across situations. For example, I've started to understand my identity despite the fact that I may act so differently around two different people. It's important to have a strong sense of self so that I can know that these situations are only extensions of that. Recently though, I've been careful to not work to monitor what people see of me (this is the key to manipulation, for those of you who are taking notes about the dark side). I tried being natural in whatever situation comes. I think that in a way, it makes my identity more stable.

But now I'm wondering what one's identity even is and means. Is my identity who I have been and how other people have always seen me in the past? Or is my identity this go-with-the-flow person that basically flows because they're not presenting much of their personality? Or are they? Does personality refer to how you interact or who you've been in the past? I suppose it's both, but that doesn't give me an answer.

Have I allowed myself to lose my identity or have I stripped away the facade and now my identity is the current me that isn't very dramatically anything? Is this the real me or the fake me? And how can I feel about my new friends? Do they know who I am? I don't even know who I am, though I have a pretty good idea. I feel invisible again. I feel invisible in the same type of way that I was invisible as a teenager, except now I have more options and confidence, probably because I know I'm capable of being seen- it just comes at a cost that I'm not sure I want to deal with.

For example, it's not obvious to my new friends that I'm a princess. Now everyone in Texas would call me a princess in a heartbeat. So what's going on? Have I changed? Have I hidden my true nature? Have I convinced them that there isn't much to see? Do these people really know me? Just an example. But a pretty significant one.

Ballroom Reinvention. Again.

2012-02-14T03:10:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm in a really good place right now. I am extremely stressed, and I know this because my body is messing with my health, but otherwise I feel great. I even feel freer from some people complications. I feel appreciated and strong, and that is helping me to let go of what I've been holding onto in vain.

I've also done a phenominal job of reinventing myself into someone that I really want to be. I'll always be a work in progress, I'm sure, mostly because I believe everyone should be, but also because I don't live the most mundane of lives. I'm doing a good job though. I'm adjusting, I'm not being manipulative, people here don't even think I'm a princess. I'm still baffled by this. How can people not see this? It is interesting when occassionally someone I barely know comes along and sees pretty much right through me and tells me something about myself that even I didn't know. That's cool. Anyway, I wish I could go into detail but I know I shouldn't. I'm too tired to write any better, but it's been so long and I really keep wanting to write here then don't.

My blind-date/audition with the awesome dancer went well. He wants me. It's been an extremely major life decision for me that I haven't been taking lightly. That he wants to dance with me is a dream come true. He's among the best dancers in the world. He wants to retire soon and I will probably be his last shot at winning this final title. This is a big time partnership. This isn't just practicing and getting better and hoping to win. That's what I was hoping for. This isn't even a full time job type activity. This is an entire way of life. This is a completely new reinvention of myself. This WILL change my life irrevocatively. I think I'm going to go for it, or at least set a trial period. On one hand, I'd be insane to turn the opportunity down, but on the other hand, am I ready for this? Physially, mentally, emotionally? I'm not convinced that I am, but I guess I'll have to get there quickly. This IS what I came here to do, right? The old-school New York method of teaching is NOT the southern charm Texas method that I'm used to...

My Boys

2012-02-09T03:26:00.000-05:00

As I ask just about every night... why am I awake???

Things are going well. I have ANOTHER potential dance partner. It's so crazy how it's just like dating and stuff. I know I've talked about it like that here before. Dance partners are like second husbands. Or maybe more like career husbands. So choosing them isn't done lightly. I've been so frustrated to not ahve a full time partner, but I know how lucky I've been to find the part-time/spare-time partners that I have found. Strangely, they're all hustle people. Apparently I'm a hustle dancer now?

So it's funny how it feels like this. I have a first dancing date- not quite blind but pretty close- on Friday, and now I have another guy I know expressing interest. I really really like him, but he does have another partner. So these would both be guys that would train me too. The one I don't know well will have to decided whether I'm what he's looking for, and I'll mostly have to decide if I can be traveling out to NJ half the time to practice with him. I'm still trying to change my schedule around at work and that has proven to be very difficult. I don't know what will happen.

So now I have more and more boys. The strange thing is that I really really like them and I really really trust them all too. They're my new circle of favorite people. I always have favorite people- people that I just like so much I can't stand it (yes, there are people on the other side of that spectrum too. that comes with the territory of wearing my heart on my sleeve). I'm kind of upset that now few of them are gay. I was trying to be careful about that!!

Too tired. That's it for mow. I continue to push... how much stress, dancing, everything can I take??

Night Is Dangerous

2012-01-15T01:31:00.000-05:00

Maybe I really do have to go to bed at a reasonable time. When I'm up late, I revert back to the same emotion- I'm ready to throw everything away. I don't even know why. I'm ready to stay up all night regardless of how I know I'll feel tomorrow. I don't care about any responsibilities or anything really. All I want to do is stay up late. Staying up late doesn't even really feel good. I'm not doing anything important, I'm tired, I'm not really having fun. I just want to stay up because I like feeling miserable I think. It does feel miserable. And I'm ready to do it again. And again. And again. And nothing else. Fantastic.

Resolution- Staying Out Of My Own Way

2012-01-10T22:43:00.000-05:00

It's the new year! It's time to review last year! It's so great I've been tracking and it'll be so easy for me to find all that and not have to dig through my boxes of "important papers" from the last year (oops...) to find it. But I think I'm going to go on first. Regardless of what happened last year, I'm in a very new place having a very new life, so while assessing IS important, my goals are different enough that I don't think I need to assess before I move forward. Let's go:

I'm in New York to further my career. For me, that means a few things. It means building up my name and my resume. That means winning things. It means networking and keeping friends (no enemy-making yet! it'll happen, but I'll hold off as long as possible!). It means becoming a much better, knowledgeable dancer. It means a lot of things, but those are key.

Furthering my dance career comes with many risks, so it's imperative that I proceed carefully on many issues. The first and most important one is to maintain my self-respect. It's too easy in this business to sell out, be used, get discouraged, and fall into a very deep, dark, encompassing depression. Self confidence goes a very long way in my line of work, so it's important that I work to cultivate that. It's even more important that I don't lose what little I already have!

I do foresee heartbreak in the not-too-distant future. It worries me, and I don't know what to do. I am increasingly happy with all the dumb mistakes I've learned from in the past. I think I've finally done enough of them to have covered my bases for a while. I've always had trouble letting go of the past, but when I see that the things that haunt me are now helping to protect me, it's so much easier to move on. I'm actually grateful for some of it. I have to continue to draw from these lessons without getting stuck in everything they made me feel the first time around. The goal is that remembering them will help me to not fall into such traps again.

So, I know I'm setting up some potential traps right now, yet they all seem necessary for my career. The only way around depression in this case is to simply not care. I cannot let myself depend on these paths that are wrought with traps. I need to forge my own way and only venture into those paths so far as I know is safe. It makes going very slow, tedious, and frustrating, but I can't really see any other way right now. Which trap is going to catch me first?

The best way to avoid getting caught in traps seems to be to check my ability to set them. I'm excellent at setting them. I sort of made a sport out of it, I think, and now I do it without planning. Now I have to learn how to interact with people in a way that is not so... potentially volatile? potentially painful for all involved, ESPECIALLY me? I sure will miss such situations, but I really really need to eliminate the drama. NO DRAMA THIS YEAR.

Overall, I have to learn to stay out of my way. I have to act pro-actively, not re-actively. I have to navigate my new life by considering all the walls I have put up and continue to put up. I have to figure out a way to use the walls (let them guide me? let them protect me? scale them?), not run into them repeatedly like I have been doing. I'm so glad I finally have personal, slightly specific meaning to the phrase "stay out of my own way". I have to navigate my walls, avoid my traps, and prevent myself from creating new ones. I have to move forward in this maze- not get stuck and make it harder. I'll continue to develop that idea this year and I will live by it.

This Heavy Heart's Personal Truths

2011-12-25T04:06:00.000-05:00

Every year without fail, I end up feeling emotional in some good way at this point in the holidays. The spirit always catches up with me Christmas Eve night. When life is hard otherwise, it catches me off guard. This year, it just isn't happening. My heart feels so heavy. Why?

I want so badly to save people. I know I can't ever save people. I know that in my particular situation, I really am not even able to help. I feel like I'm the only one that can do it, yet I can't. It makes me sad and confused. I feel guilty in a way for not being able to help even though I know it's not my fault. None of it is, really, so I can't really do anything except remove myself and let it go. How can I possibly do that though? It's like I'm leaving an otherwise irreparable hole in the grand scheme of the peace of humanity. It just feels so important, because I know it concerns people's lives- people's own personal worlds- and I happen to have stumbled across them and entered into those worlds. Now, they're part of my world, and now those pieces of my world are flawed and I don't know how I'll ever repair them. They seem out of my control. Is it possible to un-intertwine our worlds?

I'm piecing together my own history of my own issues. It's enlightening and at the same time, now very painful. I no longer feel better for knowing the big "why"s. I feel like I missed a huge part of my life. I feel like I missed a huge part of my childhood and that my adulthood will never be what it should be. All this time, I've thought it was all very complicated. It's really not that complicated after all. Simple solutions early on would have made all the difference. Life could have been healthy and normal, but it wasn't and it never will be. I'll never be what I could have been. And the answer was so simple. So obvious, even. Why did no one catch it?

What if...

I can say, however, that I am very proud of all of my major life decisions. I honestly don't regret any of them. I'm horrified to think of where I'd be had I followed the other paths that would have been so natural to take. In many ways, those paths would have been a lot easier. How did I know to take the more difficult paths? I could attribute that wisdom to the situations I mentioned above that could have so easily been avoided, but that situation would make most people more vulnerable, not less. I know it's complicated to communicate all this to you without details.

So then it comes down to why I made all those decisions. How did I make all the decisions that, at least as I see things now, seem to be all the right ones? The decisions were so painful but all ultimately led in the right direction. How early did I know my direction? How early did I know who I really was? It seems like I'd have to have known pretty early. How could I possibly know? Does everyone know and just not listen?

I do trust the wisdom children possess. I trust all the wisdom that I can remember having as a child. I sort of feel like that's part of my answer of how to grow up while maintaining a young, joyous heart. I can't ever let myself forget my early wisdom. All the things along the way that I have believed with 100 percent of my being. Those are the puzzle pieces of who I am. Those are the pieces of my past that I need to keep. When I've found them, maybe it'll be easier to go ahead and recycle all those other memories that really aren't so important anymore.

What have my earth-shattering personal truths been? I know there have been many.

On Moving On and Away

2011-12-24T02:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm more than halfway through my Texas vacation now. It has taken a lot of forms already, good and bad, and I'm glad to expect the rest of it to just simply be Christmas. Yes, some Christmases are better than others, but Christmas is always Christmas. Same family, same food, same traditions, lots of presents and lots of wrapping paper to shred in a frenzy, not because I'm really that out of control, but just because when I feign such excitement, I can't help but to emotionally follow. I do usually cry of happiness on Christmas, and I expect nothing different this year. I used to get sick every single year on Christmas day, but that hasn't happened in years, so I have high hopes that it won't this year.

Every year I love the atmosphere I create by hanging lights around my bed. This year, I came home to a new bed in a recently remodeled childhood bedroom, and I'm no longer able to hang lights. V and I are excited to get to share a queen-sized bed instead of having V sleep in the other room or on the trundle of my daybed. It's a big, nice, very comfortable bed, so I can't complain too much. They redid everything and it looks really nice. I'm entertained that there are still dolls everywhere, but now they're more of decorations on display than adorable creaures overpopulating the room. That's probably a good thing. It's definitely much less dusty in here, which is very good for my health! (fyi, as I typed that last sentence, I sneezed for the first time in my room all day and I've been in here for hours. geez)

I've been able to see lots of friends on my trip. Nearly all of the visits have been too short, but some have been strangely awkward. I've been very tired because my cpap has been too dirty to use for too long now, so that's definitely my own fault. It's clean now, so I'll use it tonight, and I'm sure I'll feel leagues better for Christmas. I know my demeanour has changed a bit, though I'm not sure how much others pick up on that. I'm more quiet. I'm not sure why I seem to have less to say. The truth is that I've had a ridiculously exciting year, and I have lots of stories I should be able and happy to tell. All my stories end up short and poorly told. It's almost like the stories are so emotional in some way that telling them wears me out, or maybe the emotion isn't even appropriate for my short get-togethers with old friends. So I just gloss over the story and it doesn't end up being interesting at all. If I do get into it, I get overwhelmed with excitement and I'm no longer able to express my feelings in words. Every other sentence of my story becomes "and I'm like..." except I can't really finish the sentence. I can only feel that crazy emotion.

I'm still in such a transitionary period that I'm not quite sure where home is. Last year, visiting Texas felt like coming home. This year, it's more like vacation. I've had a great time, but parts of my trip definitely remind me why I needed to leave. Those things may never change. It makes me feel good like I've made the right decision to leave. It also makes me sad, because I like to believe in my good memories of Texas. When things go wrong in New York like they inevitably do/will, I want to be able to think that there's a better life somewhere else in order to just keep some kind of faith that it can be better and that I'm better. It's hard to think that I'm a failure everywhere.

So I'm struggling with missing my new life. There are parts that I miss so much. There are other parts that I really really needed a break from, and I'm sort of dreading returning to. Should I miss the good stuff so much though? If I put too much importance on these new, still very transitional things, I'm afraid I'll be let down. People and experiences are still fresh and largely unexplored. I have to be careful missing my new friends. It's so good to have new friends. But I also understand now that I have to keep boundaries. I can't expect them to be my best friends yet. They're not my best friends yet, so if I think of them as such, I know I'll only screw it up and be let down.

I'm very happy to have friends everywhere I go. I'm also struggling a little with who my real friends are. I guess it doesn't matter too much. I know most people's friend-based is very fluid, especially at this point in their lives. It's always hard to stay friends when you have so much distance and no longer have all that much in common. I hate losing friends though. I always have to consider that this may be the last time I ever see someone here. It probably won't be. But it might be. If I'm never here more than once a year, it's possible to not see my good old friends for years, and when you don't see each other for years, I know that sometimes it's hard to remember why you want to see each other so bad. I think this happens to other people more strongly than it happens to me, since I love to be stuck in the past. I am trying to get over that though. Moving on is a skill I'm very new to. I'm not quite sure how moving on fits into this trip, but I bet it does in a really large, important way.

Keeping My Spirit

2011-12-14T20:16:00.000-05:00

Oooomg it has been a long time. Hello all!

New York has not killed my spirit yet! I can't say it doesn't test me every single day. I probably cry one to two times a week, and sometimes I'm not even sure why, but I always know it'll end. This week was probably the worst, and I haven't been able to bounce back quite as quickly and fully from this one, but I know I will. I think it has been that case where when you're new to something, you don't expect much of yourself except for hard work. It's ok to not be perfect your first day when all you have to live in is hope and excitement for your hard work paying off in the future. Then once you've been working hard... you need results. How long is it ok to keep living in the future? I guess as long as you're working your hardest, it's desirable to keep hoping optimistically for the future. If you're NOT working hard...I guess that doesn't apply. But I have been working hard. I just want results though. I don't feel like I'm getting the results I deserve yet. Ok, it has only been 2.5 months. I'll keep working... things will get better... right? I'm so ready for the whirlwind to slow down again for once. At least I can be sure that this whirlwind s right for me right now.

I'm frustrated most of the time and also so grateful to be where I am. I feel like I am taking full advantage of the opportunities I'm finding now. They're not all working out perfectly, but I'm doing everything I can. I'm also at that point in my dancing where I just feel pathetic anyway. It's the normal cycle that as soon as you've mastered what you know and feel like a good dancer, you get coaching and discover that you actually suck and have no idea what you're doing. Being ready to hear the new corrections is a good thing. It means I'm growing. But I've now gotten a lot of information that I'm not able to put to use yet, and every time I start to practice, I feel overwhelmed by everything I can't do. I know I'm making progress, but it wish it were happening a lot quicker.

So that's what I'm up to. Working, teaching, learning, exploring, dancing. We're working out a deal with my new coaches that V will be their new nanny when they travel and they'll coach me. Pretty sweet deal. We have always been masters at bartering. I have to compete on New Years Eve against my students, so I'm working as hard as I can to assure that I'll win. It's an awkward situation. I'm good at getting myself into those. I'm an expert, in fact. Sometimes I wonder if I accidentally do it on purpose just to amuse myself and be dramatic. I guess it makes me feel alive. But I don't want the stress and I am annoyed by this one. I was afraid to do it, but then I decided that I don't have much of a choice. I'm not the kind of person to not do something because I'm scared of what others might think. I've regularly set my goals way too high and regularly failed, so I know how to fail. I'll live through their judgements. And the pressure to excel over the next 2 weeks is motivating me for now, not just terrifying me yet. So, I'm doing it anyway. I guess that's a good thing.

Unafraid to be Ugly

2011-10-27T03:13:00.000-04:00

People in NY are very different than people elsewhere. I'm still trying to figure the out. Some are very nice. Others are not generally nice at all, but they'll have occasional moments. It confuses me, because when most people treat me they way that normally do, I know something is wrong- usually that they don't like me or are mad at me. Here, I think that's just some people's default. So that understanding will come in time.

I did learn a good lesson tonight. The difference between good dancers and great dancers is that great dancers aren't afraid to look ugly. I think this is where I get hung up, but I'm also right on the verge of being that confident. I think I can do this. I've already mentioned how I do crazy things like practice stuff I suck at in front of everyone. I get self-conscious about the dances I'm good at! It's probably because I just don't like all that much attention. But more about this ugly thing. I've heard it before, but I wasn't quite ready to mentally leap there, probably because I wasn't ready to emotionally leap there. When we start dancing, we try so hard to look graceful and like we know what we're doing. When we get good at that, it's time to start unlearning things. Start dancing between the music. Start owning unusual or unflattering poses. Start letting go of the rules and start using what is inside of me. What's inside of us isn't always pretty! Being that one dimensional can never been too great for art. I need to express, I need to stand out. I need to be me even if I'm afraid others won't like it, but that's the only time I'll truly be creating something real. When I repeat something, I'm not creating. I'm mimicing what has been done for the last bazillion years.

SO anyway, I need to keep working on having the confidence to dance when I want, where I want, what I want. I need to stop working to impress my onlookers. I need to not be afraid to look ugly. Looking pretty is a good way to keep my status quo. Embracing ugly might turn people away now, but that's the only thing that will allow me to grow and be way better (and happier) later.

I was so nervous about whether I really should be a professional dancer. It still has felt a little wrong in my life and I was worried I was only doing it because it was the only thing I felt I wouldn't fail at. This week, things are starting to come together for me, and I'm so excited. I couldn't love this place more. All I ever want to do is talk about dance. I want to ask questions of other instructors. I want their opinions and exertise. I want to learn and grow. I'm going to be unstoppable! I love it. I'm not getting my housework done, which isn't unusual, but now it's because I somply don't have time. In the rare occasion I hae tie, I'm recouping.

My health: I've been eating more and craving meat. If I had more money, I would honestly eat more. I can't believe how expensive food is here. I weighed in at 96 tonight. I'm sore 24/7, my body already looks more toned, I'm building up my endurance, but why haven't I gained weight? I need to do more strength training. I was sleeping well until this week because I've gotten so excited about the line dances that it keeps me up. I need to sleep now.

Boys Will Be Boys

2011-10-24T00:39:00.001-04:00

It entertains me that everytime I go to my blog, I feel like I should update it somehow, then I see the title "Life Anew!" and, really, I can't think of a better title. It's as true now as when I wrote it when I first started this blog. In fact, in my last blog, my title was very similar. Life has been very new for so many years now in extremely exciting ways, both good and bad. I know life is always changing, and experiencing life anew everyday is probably very healthy, but in my case, it also speaks to how unpredictable everything has continued to be. Anyway, things are going well now.

I'm glad to say that even though I won't be dancing pro-pro now, we're still pals, and hopefully it will work out next year sometime. I was so worried that I'd messed things up, but it turns out that I did the right thing. Maybe he's just mature enough to not take it personally. But in retrospect, I'm proud of standing up for myself like I did. It almost makes all my past dance drama lessons worth it. Learning the hard way sure sucks, but apparently I have learned. It looks like I have learned in time to create a bright new future for myself. Past crushed dance relationships were so painful, but as it turns out, my relocation has allowed me to start my new future. This is a future I don't intend to have to run away from. That makes every new dance relationship here so much more important. How terrible would it be to become enemies with the only other (and best) country dancers in all of New York? That would be unbearable. Plus, I still expect them to be my new gay best friends.

So there it is. The past is finally validated because I've proven that I've learned from it. I guess that's the only way to free oneself from past pain. It's not just moving forward that is important. It's making amends with the world and yourself by changing for the better. This is especially important when amends with those involved are not possible, but I'm sure its important regardless.

This situation is interesting to me, because navigating it has drawn from so many different lessons. I see components of every one of my failed and successful dance and personal relationships. Ultimately, the answer has been to draw the line to protect myself, and in doing that, I do believe I'm protecting more than just myself. In this situation, he was just such a boy about everything. I doubt that he's as affected as it by I am, and that's ok. That's why I had to change something. I'm sad about the outcome but incredibly proud that I seemed to have handled it well, and now I don't have to worry about the pain of being accidentally stepped on later. I don't think he realized that was going to happen until I brought the problem into focus.

So we're cool now. I have a different west coast partner, and I plan to do line dance. I've proven that I'm already interested and desirable as a partner, so now I'm just hoping to get the bf to act and take me as his country partner! I foresee this endeavor being a little more of a game than the last, but I'm ready to keep it under control. I guess there's no fighting the inevitability that boys will be boys.

Breaking Up

2011-10-20T02:16:00.000-04:00

It has been a while! Well, this week has been interesting so far. Monday was bad so I just beared with it until I was free to go home- early. I didn't need the day to get any worse so I just ended it. Yesterday was much better. Today was really hard. Work was better, I made my train, everything was going fine except for the ridiculous amount of rain and the fact that I wore way more winter clothing than is necessary for walking for extended periods in 60 degree weather. But then I got bad text and ended up having a currently unresolved text discussion. I cried at least 4 times today because of it. I count crying as anytime your face does that changed thing. Like, you can have tears, but then when you really cry, it just breaks, and there's no holding it back, and your puffy and everyone knows you've been crying. That kind of crying. After the first time or two I had training, and I considered not going, but that wasn't really a good idea. I composed myself even though it was obvious I'd been crying, and I refused to think about it, and training was great. This pattern went on: cry, pull it together and dance anyway even though I know I look ugly and make people sad by looking at me and my sadness, distract myself and temporarily forget and be ok. At some point, I couldn't decide if I should stay longer or if I should just go, but I again decided to stay. I'm not sure why. But what happened? Good news. Good news that almost made up for part of the issues of the previous bad news.

Why was I so upset? I have another question- why am I still dealing with breakups even after I'm married? This isn't supposed to happen anymore! So, basically the problem is that my dance partner doesn't have time for me. He doesn't think it's an issue. Boys seem to do this over and over to me (just to me?). I know the pattern and I know the possible outcomes- most of which are bad. So here is when it's absolutely required for me to stand up for myself. I generally have very little self-confidence, but I am quick to protect the little bit that I have. I refuse to go into this meaning nothing. I don't need to be the most important thing in everyone's universe, but I also can't live with being insignificant to someone who holds the key to my world. In this instance where dance is my life and my future, my dance partner plays a very significant role. It's one thing to be the ambiguous mistress dance partner who's only second best to the primary partner. That is sucky but I can live with that if the situation is made clear. It's another thing to be used and abused. I can't be a play toy or a chore.

Basically, I have to be taken seriously. I have to be appreciated, and I have to know that I'm investing my time, money, commitment, emotional well-being wisely. It was such a big deal today because it was like someone had just popped the balloon of all my hopes and wishes. I disallowed myself to really want to win for so long that I thought I'd lost the ability. I thought the passion was gone and I'd never get it back. No, I was just protecting myself. Now that I thought I had a chance at making a life for myself, I want it so bad I can't stand it, so for that to come crashing down AGAIN is unbearable. It's like never trusting anyone, then finally opening up and then they let you down too. That's disasterous. Every time that happens, it causes a little more scarring. I can't deal with that in my life.

Partnerships in dancing are very complicated. I know everyone has trouble with them. Do other people have this particular problem? I don't feel like they do. Why? Do I attract boys that'll take advantage of me? I know they don't mean to. Am I leading them to believe that I don't care, so they think it's ok for them to not care? Does my inability to take myself seriously keep them from taking me seriously? That's probably the most likely answer. I don't know, but I'm tired of it, and I won't let it happen again. We haven't even started, so for me to feel this emotional is a bad sign. Something stops now- either we don't dance together or he take me seriously too.

I found a new competitive partner too, so that's a relief.

Day 1. Check!

2011-10-11T01:57:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! I lived through my first day at work! It was a lot like my first days of schools, just like last night was just like the nights before the first days of schools. Thank goodness I didn't cry. I cried the first day (and often the second day) of every semester in college. I admit I got emotional on the way home. I think it must just be my way of dealing with stress. It's my expression of confusion and not knowing. Of when I just feel in over my head. It's not that anything went wrong. Maybe things could have gone better. New Yorkers really aren't the friendliest of people- I understand that now- but they're not bad. They actually don't seem to look down on country either, which is a surprise. They don't really seem to care much one way or another I think. So maybe people are just more apathetic here as opposed to Texas and other places where everyone has an opinion about everything?

I feel like a little fish. I kind of am. I should give myself more credit. I sort of feel like my boss doesn't know how awesome I am and it makes me really happy. It takes a lot of pressure off of me. I know he's very impressed by me, and I definitely doubt all of my abilities when I talk to myself, but I'm happy if he sets the bar low. That means I'll kick the bar's butt! Right? No pressure...

I was pretty bold tonight to take a paso class. I don't know paso! The first class I took at the studio was of a dance I don't know! I think there are very few people that would do things like that. They would stick to what they know so that they can make a really good impression. They'd want clients to see them doing what they do best. So it's weird that I feel confident enough to jump into something blindly. At the same time, I know it's a bad idea. I think I got used to being a little massochistic like that. I started enjoying jumping into crazy things. I think most people do it for the adrenaline high. I don't think I do. I know I do it to challenge myself, which I guess is a better reason. I think I also do it because I sort of like punishment a little bit. If life is going to be hard, I'd like for it to be in the dance studio.

The First Day of my New Dance Career

2011-10-10T03:55:00.001-04:00

I've written a blog or two since my last post and I hate to go out of order, but I just can't not post tonight!

Can't sleep. It's for a good reason! I feel like I always felt the night before the first day of school. Like the first day of high school in particular, when I had absolutely no idea what to expect, but I knew it was big and I had even bigger things in store. New people, new opportunities, new scenery, new focus, a whole new life. So that's where I am. I think I'm too excited to sleep, but that should be ok, because I should have enough adrenaline tomorrow or whatever to carry me through as long as my brain is working. I'll have a lot to learn.

I guess I didn't even tell you what I'm excited about! I start my new job tomorrow! I'm working at one of the biggest studios here. Can you believe it?! Everyone comes to New York to dance, and I got a job at one of the best studios. I can't believe it! I feel like I've made it. I know I have a lot of work to do now, but I have direction. I feel proud of myself to have this validation, I'm excited to have meaning in my life again, and I can't wait to get better and to start producing. I realized that's what I miss. I used to produce so much artistically, whether it be dance pieces, musical pieces, crocheted things, drawings, pretty cakes, whatever. At one point I was even good a drawing. So I need to find my new way to create. Putting together my new competition routines is going to be huge for me. I'm proud of my abilities, but I haven't had all that much feedback on them, so I'm very nervous about showing them. I hope that doesn't hold me back for too long.

So, I have to wake up in like 5 hours. That's not nearly enough time for me, but I'll use my cpap finally and that should help tremendously. I haven't used it in weeks because I've been so sick. I can't use it when I can't breathe through my nose! I should have cleaned it in that time, but I didn't, so I hope I don't get sick again from using it tonight!!!

So that's what I'm doing. I finally have a job, I'm part of society again, I have meaning, a goal, means for reaching those goals, a hopefully dream career ahead of me. Whenever I start to wonder about how long I'll be dancing, I think about how long I've loved it. Pretty much all I ever did other than my homework as a child and teenager was dance. Usually, that actually included producing works. I didn't really realize how much I have actually produced. Starting in 2nd grade and for many years, I'd choreograph dances for my friends and I every single weekend! We'd get our parents to video tape us! I've been doing this forever! I shouldn't be nervous, and I should know I'm doing the right thing. It's like dance is in my blood. So many people burn out, and I've had many slumps, but when I think about all that and how long it has been part of me and had never ever been forced on me, I know I'm in the right place. My life has led up to this almost without my planning. I'm ready for this. I can do this. I'm doing it tomorrow! And for now I'll try hard to sleep!!!

What Is This!

2011-09-26T02:51:00.001-04:00

I'm excited and lonely and anxious and I can't sleep. I do like nighttime, but I've been exhiled from my room. We only have our bedroom and 1.5 bathrooms, so being active in our bedroom doesn't work while V is trying to sleep. I have to type right in his ear. So I finally moved down to the bathroom, so I'm sitting on my ottoman in here. At least it's a big bathroom.

I have a longing though. I really do want to dance. I'm really excited about what is to come and I don't want to waste my excitement on lost time. I think I'm going to have that new high of an exciting new activity. That's awesome because I've missed having something like that. I've had trouble feeling all that much of anything. But I don't want to wait!! And wanting this so badly in the middle of the night really is no good. Tomorrow I do have a lot of stuff to do actually. Chores that I am scared to do and/or don't want to do I guess. But it's nothing fun. There's no excitement of going into the city. I remember now why I like city life. I'm now having withdrawals.

It's a nervous energy bordering on shakiness which actually worries me quite a bit when I explain it like that... last night I got really loopy and slightly obnoxious. These are the feeling when I get in my hypomanic episodes... just today I decided I don't have bipolar and that my mood issues are just sleep related! Yes, my mood is definitely sleep related, but sleep issues don't directly cause these episodes- they only trigger them. Dang it. Well that would explain it.

In that case, I REALLY need to be dancing. One has endless energy and enthusiasm in these episodes. Floor space isn't free yet though. And do I really want to be obnoxious in my first lessons even though I'll also be especially dedicated and enthusiastic? I was thinking that if he still likes me after my loopiness last night, then we're golden, but I guess it could be worse. It could be sustained. It could be like now!!! Ugh.

Wait... is this a panic attack???

BOOOOOOOOOO this is stupid.

First Dance Date!

2011-09-26T02:36:00.000-04:00

Written Thursday, Sept 23:
I feel like a lot has happened since I last wrote. I've been wanting (needing) to write but haven't had internet, so I'm finally just writing this in notepad until I can publish it.

I met with my new dance partner. He's my pro for pro-pro (which means he's my instructor and only I get judged), but he's approaching it with us as near equals, so that's cool. He's extremely good, he'll be teaching me, and I will be paying him, but he seems to think of it as more of a partnership than is the case with most pro-ams. I've decided to do showcase, which I didn't even realize was an option, and it means that we're going to choreograph it together! I really want to work on my choreography skills, so this will be the perfect opportunity. I know I won't say much at first because I'm not very confident in my abilities yet and also because I don't really feel comfortable with him yet. I really really like him, but I have no idea what it's going to be like to work with him in the studio. We'll see soon enough!

So yeah, our first date went well :). I called it that to V and he said he was going to tell him. Awkward. But it really was a lot like that. We had dinner and walked around the city talking with the purpose of getting to know each other. It was also a lot like an interview, since he determines details like what I pay him. He likes me so he's being good to me financially! He does benefit quite a bit by dancing with me so it's in his best interest too. It gives him more exposure. He knows I'm good, so in a way, for him to get credit for me is extremely good for his dance career, even though he actually has a fancy day job and only does dance for fun.

Tomorrow we're going into the city to dance at the gay country event with them (me and V with him and his bf who I'm hoping will compete with me in couples in the future). I'm extremely nervous about that as well. I've never been to a gay club/event before. I think it's mostly guys that go, and the pictures on facebook were of lots of guys with their shirts off. That's awkward too. I'm sure I'll get used to it (I'll have to), but I just don't know what to expect. Lately my insomnia has been excitement-related insomnia, so I guess that's better than the alternative, though it'd be good to be able to sleep.

I also got an email from the studio I want to work at and they want me to go in to discuss specifics. That means it's not a done deal yet, but I almost definitely got the job. Yay! As soon as I start that- hopefully this coming week I can make it official- I can start practicing for competition, because I need free studio space! I need to start now while I'm excited. Excitement is the worst thing you can waste.

I feel like I really am entering a new phase of my life. It's really exciting. Am I really going to be a New Yorker for real? How long will I still be a Texan? I hope it's all for the best!

Holding Up

2011-09-21T03:29:00.000-04:00

Just a little update. I'm feeling ok. Financial troubles are among the most stressful troubles. Psychologists find that, and now I understand it. The last few days have been better, but I just checked our bank account and to see money deposited makes me feel SO much better. It doesn't need to be much. Anything is good news. Really good news. I think the only reason the last few days have been better is because we're so sure that I'll get a job at the studio I like. It's not a done deal or anything, but it's extremely likely. I guess that's how to say it.

Not having a kitchen has been a little bit of a blessing in disguise for me. I don't like eating, cooking, or cleaning, so I'm glad a whole kitchen mess isn't even an option. Kitchens OCD me out, so I'm glad I don't have to avoid one right now. I've been eating decently enough given the circumstances. I'm eating WAY too much sugar. Even my body is unhappy with it. Otherwise, it could be worse. Every meal is a sandwich or cereal. At least sandwiches are healthy. Cereal CAN be decent. And I've been eating tons of yogurt. My relationship with yogurt is such that buying individuals makes me guilty because I know it's more expensive, but I simply don't eat yogurt out of the big tubs. It ends up being a waste to buy them and that's even more expensive. There's too much sugar in yogurt, but there's some iron and other good stuff and that's what's important. I make a conscious effort to eat less sugar but it just doesn't seem to happen.

My landlady is driving me INSANE. That makes everyday a struggle. Today I almost lost it with her but I remained ok. She makes me miserable, but it's only for 4 more months. Is it worth talking to her and expressing our displeasure? Would that do any good? Generally I'd just be passive-aggressive in this kind of situation, but I'm trying not to go there for everyone's good, including our future as tenants of others. Thus far we've just been agreeing politely or even enthusiastically and complaining behind her back. Today I disagreed politely, so I don't know how she feels about that. We only communicate over text thank goodness. I wouldn't be able to keep my cool in person. I don't know if I'll last 4 more months without exploding though. You'd think it couldn't be that bad. It is. As expensive as the city is, we NEED our own place. We were planning on finding roommates. Maybe if we had friends that were looking for roommates in a decent sized place it would be ok. But I believe housing to be the most important bill. Or at least I consider it to be more important than many others. I would rather have a safe, decent place to stay than to eat extravagantly or something. Pretty soon, privacy is going to be key to defining a decent place. Pretty much asap.

Tomorrow I'm going into the city to meet with my new pro. I'm super excited about it. I'm nervous. We're going out to dinner to talk, which makes sense because it's at dinner time, but in a way it feels like a weird date. I mean, it's not, but it sort of is. I'm kind of nervous like I'd be going on a first date. Our relationship is going to be professional now, but we're both sort of planning on competing together for real in the future, so this isn't the kind of deal where I'll throw him out in 4 months like I will with my landlady. We really have to like each other. I expect him to be my new gay best friend, really. It is fun to be excited though.

I was thinking about my relationship with competition earlier. I have thoughts that are starting to take form. I expect to talk about that in my next blog. I'll probably talk about that with him and my thoughts will still be incoherent because I won't have figured them out yet, but maybe it'll help me make sense of them. I think I can have a reasonably healthy relationship with competition. That's good to know.

Awake OR Asleep. Not Both.

2011-09-19T04:28:00.000-04:00

Hm. What am I up to. For the last week, I've been really really working on sleeping. I have succeeded in having new "habits" every night. I don't want to keep having new ones, but to be able to have A new one is good. I've proven some kind of control over my sleep the last week even if it has been unreliable. What do I attribute all of this to? My cpap. I know, I know. I've known all along how important it is. It's been so inconvenient, but I've used it every night and I truly have felt better and accomplished more. Last night I didn't use it for the first time in a week or so, and today I felt bad. It's important that I figure out what that "bad" is though. For example, when I woke up, I didn't necessarily feel horrible. My eyes were tired but I was ok I guess. But I didn't have the motivation to get out of bed. I had more of a "what's the point" attitude than I had when I was using my cpap. This is good to know, because I'm very tired of the "what's the point" attitude. I've had it generally every single morning of my entire life except for maybe mornings after cpap!

It has also helped that I had my trauma breakthrough. I understand a little better why I have no idea how to sleep or wake up. Like, sleeping and waking may be inborn skills, but if so, I have managed to unlearn them. I only know how to lay down and die. I've been able to look back and have a better understanding of what shaped my sleeping habits as a child. I've always been fearful and avoidant. I don't think I'm afraid of sleeping now, but I was afraid of so many aspects related to sleeping for so long that my subconscious attitudes toward sleeping are totally messed up and my habits couldn't be worse.

It's important that I differentiate between sleep time and wake time. Being sleep deprived has not allowed me to do this. When I'm sleeping enough, I'm able to draw a line. I need to keep with that. THAT is what helps everything. If I can just be awake when I'm awake, I believe that I could be functional.

We went to dance at the studio I want to work at, and the situation looks really good. I'm almost sure I'll get a job there. V and I both feel so relieved. It's not a done deal yet and now we're playing the waiting game until I know for sure. Knowing I'll probably have a job soon allows me to have fun on vacation! When everyday is already a vacation, vacations aren't fun. They're pathetic and miserable. But when you know they're temporary and you have purpose, you can enjoy them! You may not believe me on this, but I am learning it is true. I don't even want to admit it really, but it's true.

Tomorrow I'm going to... do lots and lots of laundry. That's my goal. And change the sheets. I'm sure I'll clean in between. I'd like to follow up on some phone calls, but I probably won't do that. If I do, it'll be a pleasant surprise. Otherwise, hours of laundry will be enough work for a day. I do have to wake up in order to accomplish that though... I should sleep.

PTSD

2011-09-12T06:39:00.000-04:00

Oh my god, I just made the biggest breakthrough I have ever made. In my half-asleep-half-awake, leaky-cpap filled insomnia, I just realized a major trauma in my life, if not the biggest. It's so simple. I've never remembered it until now. I really do have PTSD. I can't believe it. I finally have an answer for so much. There's no question I have medical sleep problems, but this PTSD directly affects my sleeping. I know how to get help!!!!!

I have flashbacks, nightmares, unknowing avoidance, blocked memories, I've always felt detached, helpless, and distrustful, I'm hypervigilant, easily startled, I dissociate. I feel shameful, angry, depressed, scared.

Did I just accidentally access my memory using EMDR on myself? Why did it take so long to become so disabling in my life?

Coping

2011-09-01T04:12:00.004-04:00

Today was different. We're still in NH. I got up late and V went out during the day, so it seemed to make more sense to wait until tomorrow. I'm still staying up all night and sleeping all day which is not good when you're a guest. I feel bad that I'm not socializing more. I barely see the people we're staying with. I don't do much of anything. V does. Today I spent a little more time with our friend, and I did a good job of washing dishes and cleaning and stuff. I felt more helpful than usual. I still probably look like a freeloader and I don't want that to be the case. I remember reading that book in high school about the Jewish kid, the Chosen, I think? and I remember that in it, his mom was super depressed and never left bed and it was really hard on the family. I remember in high school thinking how much I didn't want that to be me, yet I knew it was very possible. That's what I feel like this week. I'm past the breaking point and I just can't make myself do anything. I'm not happy in bed, but I'm happier because I don't have energy to interact with others. It's really hard. Since we planned on going back today, last night I started worrying as I was trying to sleep. This is was happened when I was on vacation with my parents. The last night, I knew I was about to return to the "real" world, and I started thinking about all the things I needed to do that I hadn't done and that I didn't want to do. Stuff I'd been putting off for so long that I knew I still wasn't going to do it the next day. What that means is that soon, I'll start to be punished for not doing this thing (fyi, all these things include making phone calls), and I start worrying if I'm already being punished and don't know it. It's highly likely. I don't worry during the day. I guess I just avoid during the day. Then at night I suffer the consequences of feeling helpless and worthless.Tonight I feel like I did something really small but smart. They always say to avoid making big changes in your life when you're stressed. Well, all I seem to experience are big life changes and stress, so that's generally unavoidable. I decided to watch the same tv shows that I watched at this time in Vermont on basic cable. I have tons of stations to choose from here. I've been taking advantage of that. But then I thought that maybe I should welcome back the constant. I've already seen the episodes. There are only so many "Everybody Hates Chris" episodes, so when you watch everyday, you start to memorize them. It was good. It was comfortable. I wasn't annoyed. I think that's my new goal for tomorrow and the next day when returning home. I'm going to do everything I can to keep constants, even when the constants are kind of boring. Actually, especially when the constants are boring! They say a structured day helps, but since I'm always fighting day structures, that doesn't bring much relief. Thing like familiar tv can be a relief though, I think. I'll see what else I can adaptively keep in my routine.

Safe From The Storm

2011-08-29T01:39:00.002-04:00

After much drama, the storm has passed, we're safe, and our stuff is apparently safe too. Had we lost everything, I don't think I'd be any more stressed than I am now. I'm again at that threshold. I go back and forth between being at the threshold and being almost to it. As soon as I start to pass it and break, somehow, something small but good happens. I feel a little better. Then something devastating happens. Vermont got it so bad, including the area around where we lived a week and a half ago. I sort of like to think that maybe it was a good thing V lost his job and we moved and our stuff is safe, because maybe we'd be less safe at our old place. But then I start to think that it really just isn't right for one super stressful event to happen in order to protect against another super stressful event (as if the threat/expectation of losing everything isn't stressful in itself). I can't begin to believe that's fair or karma or God's doing or something. There has to be a better way if there really is a plan. This isn't right.

I think I was going to say more, but I'm just too bummed out. That's about all you need to know. That's all there is. Empty, stressed depression. Sigh.

But at least we're safe.

Irene Threatens Harder

2011-08-27T03:36:00.000-04:00

I get more and more concerned. You always think the natural disaster is so far off and that it'll certainly lessen or change paths before it gets to you. It's a good thing I took is seriously despite V, because it's actually getting worse. Maybe it's just because it's getting closer so the forecast for our little location is starting to be predicted and announced, but it's devastating. There's no question that it'll be a huge storm. It will flood. Will it reach our house? Will it reach the second floor? According to the most recent hurricane warning, it might. It is entirely possible that we could lose just about everything. I did a fantastic job of packing our necessities: suitcase for my makeup/skincare/medication, huge suitcase for both of our clothing, suitcase for towel computers bowl forks papertowls, bag for nonrefrigerated food, bag for important papers danceshoes and blanket, bag for sheets, smaller bag for special things like our rings and cortney. Then V brought his computer bag with his toilettries. And we bought water like they say to do! It's true that we could live on what I packed and brought. It'd even be a relief to get rid of a lot of the things that I feel too guilty to throw out. But I don't want to lose it all. We can't afford to be buying anything right now. Just buying food is tricky! And what would happen if there really were damage to the house and/or our room. What if we couldn't live there? Where would we go? Would we get our money back? I hope our landlady has insurance...

We're in our old apartment in Vermont for now. It feels so weird. I feel so lost. I want to be able to plan my life more than a couple days out! I don't want my plans changing every other day! Here today, there tomorrow. There's also the issue that I've been stressed about the hurricane, then as we started to approach Vermont, V started getting stressed about the drama at his old job. We have drama everywhere! Please, drama. Let me be!!! I really do hate to complain so much because I'm sure everyone else faces sucky things like this. 2 million people have been ordered to evacuate the coast. I'm not alone in this. But really? Really? Can I just get a break for a little please? Drama is fun. It's also exhausting and I don't want to deal with it! I thought I was done with that when I left Austin!!!!

We're safe for the most part here. We're going up to NH tomorrow. VT and NH are both under Tropical Storm and Flood Watches, so there will be serious storms here too. Everyone's buying all the water and batteries here just like they are in New York. We'll probably lose electricity, maybe water. But I like to think that we're at least safer. Someone asked us why we evacuated here!? since this area is a little evacuatable as well! It's better though. I hope. Or maybe I don't hope. I hope the storm isn't bad anywhere! But it will be. I need to sleep. I need to rest tonight so I can follow the storm tomorrow online from NH. I'm glad if we lose power here it won't be until Sunday night. How long will we need to stay away from New York? I don't know how this works. I guess it depends on what happens...

Hurricane Irene On Its Way

2011-08-26T05:14:00.000-04:00

Well, I feel pretty good about my hurricane preparations. I go back and forth between being terrified of losing everything and then thinking that I just can't imagine it happening to me. Truly, I can't imagine one more stressor like this in my life. On the other hand, I have to admit that I hope there's a reasonable storm so that it'll seem worth it to do this work. Just a little storm! Not a big storm! I hate to say that, but it's sort of true.

It's hard to get info on the storm for where I specifically live, so V and my landlady aren't really taking it seriously. I feel like we almost couldn't be in more trouble. We're literally across the street from the beach of the sound. They've reported it should flood the other side of the sound and are requiring evacuations there. We can see that land from inside our apartment. There's not much of a hill from the beach to our house, and you actually have to go down the driveway to get inside. Our bathroom and closet are on the bottom floor. I've decided to leave my clothing, shoes, some toiletries down there, and maybe some books. I've packed a big suitcase of clothes for both of us, so we could at least get by with what I packed, though it would be pretty devastating to lose everything. I'd get to go shopping for new clothes which are greatly needed... but we can't afford that right now. Our room is upstairs, which is basically all windows. There's a huge tree outside of them that desperately needs to be cut down. I'll probably stack boxes on the bed. Having stuff already boxed is the upside of being lazy and not having unpacked everything a week after moving here. I'm packing our computers and some important papers. Now that I think about it, I really should take my passport, not just put it in a plastic bag. We have a half-bath upstairs with only a small window, so I'm going to put my Mary Kay inventory in there. I'm tempted to take some of it with us. It's worth a lot of money and my product insurance would only cover a small portion. I have about 4 boxes and 2 bags full of products. I think it's unreasonable to take it all.

I'm taking a lot of stuff and V is going to be really unhappy about it because he doesn't think anything will happen. I don't know why he doesn't understand the better safe than sorry principle. I'm doing all the work too! I even packed his clothes! We're going to Vermont tomorrow, probably in about 7 hours, but we don't actually know where we're going to stay there. We'll make calls in the morning. The storm should hit there as well, but it should be much safer than where we are.

I have a strong propensity toward being extremely fatalistic, but I really believe this is a serous threat. I'm feeling good about the work I've done. I know we'll be ok (or at least I hope), but I am very concerned about our apartment and stuff. It's just stuff... right??? Oh, that's so painful to say. I need constant information on this so I'll know I'm doing the right thing. This is very scary.

Feeling Better

2011-08-25T05:08:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to say that I'm feeling much better. Why am I awake though? I think the former is because I've been taking my medicine a little more regularly again and because V has some good news of job prospects for January. I think the later is because I haven't used my cpap in like weeks. Today I set my alarm for 2pm and never heard it. ?? Usually I at least hear it! Tomorrow I really do need to get up to get some stuff done, and Friday we're going into the city. Friday we don't need to go into the city until the evening but it'd be good to spend some time there if we're paying $31 to get there (total). At least dancing will be free and I'll be able to deliver a resume.

We have no kitchen, so eating is complicated. I'm trying to focus on being less stuff at a time and actually eating it all. I have a hard time eating just one thing at a time. I do better with variety. I don't really have that luxury though, and it does seem logistically easier to eat my food before buying new food. I haven't weighed myself in a long time, but I know I'm anemic again or close. I have mysterious bruises ALL over my legs. They're really nasty looking. I can't remember ever being so bruised. I ended up lifting a lot of stuff last week, so I have hit myself a lot, but a normal, healthy person should not be so delicate. I'm supposed to be eating less sugar too, of course, but I need to for real now, again, but I'm still eating a lot. It seems to always be easier to eat.

I'm finally happy with my resume. There's not much going on here. I'm excited to leave the apartment, which is a change. Usually I don't want to get out of bed ever at all. It's good to explore. I can't say that I'm extremely excited about meeting new people. It's too exhausting for me. I probably would feel better about that if I slept better with my cpap. I should be going to bed earlier too...

Jaded

2011-08-22T06:02:00.000-04:00

My new thought is that I'm concerned for myself. I think this is the first time in my life that I have allowed myself to become truly disillusioned with the world. In fact, I'm started adopting the exact attitude that I was so afraid of developing in "adulthood." I seem to have succeeded at becoming an adult- drawbacks and all. No, not all adults are bitter, and yes, kids can be bitter as well. I've been bitter about a lot of things all my life. I recently read an article suggesting that bitterness should become considered to be an actual mental illness when taken to the extreme. In that case, more research would be done, and more specific treatment can be developed.

Anyway, while I've been very bitter about relationships in my life, I don't think I've ever been bitter about life in general. Maybe there's a different word than bitter. I'm not sure. But despite talking about my hope for my future, I feel like I'm losing hope in humanity. I feel like I no longer have the motivation to do right in this world. There seems to be no point. Just like I've lacked motivation to become a better dancer because I've lacked positive feedback for succeeding, I'm feeling that standing up for what I believe in is fruitless. V is experiencing this much more strongly than I am right now, and I'm trying to be strong for him and for me. I don't want to continue slipping into that. I don't want to be a bad, miserable person (whatever "bad" is). I want to be an upstanding citizen- someone whom people can respect and someone whom can add positivity to the world. Having intentions to be a "good person" really isn't enough. My actions matter, and when I'm having the kind of ideological doubts, it's hard to recognize when I'm acting in ways that I would otherwise disagree with. It's hard to care when I'm in the moment.

V and I both have a weakness of being too passionate. Generally passion should be a good thing. We both take it to the extreme of stubbornness. I was reading an article about good and bad types of passion. Obsessive passion means that you define yourself by your work. When you can't work, you get upset. I want work to be something I'm moved to do. I strive so hard for happiness in my life and it just doesn't seem to work out. I end up searching in selfish ways.

I've just started allowing myself to be honest about some of my dancing beliefs. I feel like I've been fighting them simply based on circumstance. I feel free to decide on my own now. Somehow, I feel like I have the resources now to have my own dance identity free of my instructors and partners. I have to do this for myself so that I can find an intrinsic passion instead of just continuing to run through a brick wall searching for happiness. To be happy that way, actions are shallow, and that's when they become selfish. It's time for me to join the real working world. Bartering is brilliant, but favors trap you. When you help people secretly hoping that they'll reciprocate, even if they do, you're bound by the ways in which they give back. You're forced to appreciate their gifts even when the gifts are not right for you. Money does allow options. It allows you to really take control of your opportunities in life.

I've said it a million times, but it's still true that I can't wait. I also can't continue down the path of not caring about my actions. I hope that when I act, I can join society and not just be an outsider hoping for good things to come. They won't. I want to believe in karma, but I just don't see it happening. I don't even see good and bad things evening out. I worry that some people just get the bad luck while other people get their good luck. How can I restore my faith that good is coming? Not everything in my life is bad. Taking action should help me find good things. I sure hope it does, because I don't want to be jaded. I don't want that to be the part of adulthood that I adopt. I want all of adulthood except for that.

Running On Empty

2011-08-22T03:27:00.000-04:00

On one hand, I feel like I have hope for the first time in a very very long time. On the other hand, things continue to be poor. "Potential" and a plan can only do so much for me in the present. It's becoming harder and harder to be the rock for V. Believe it or not, I have to be the emotional glue in this marriage, at least in hard times. I've done a pretty good job of holding it all together, but I don't think I'll be able to fake it much longer. At the competition last weekend, I overdid it the night before competing, and while I was competing, my back was in tremendous pain. Tremendous! I can't believe I'm not bedridden right now! When we were done, I just wanted to leave. I wanted to get home so I could just lay down and cry. Cry in pain, cry in sorrow, just cry. But I couldn't. Because when I got home, I had to pack. Now, I still need to unpack.

But things are settling down a tiny bit. Excitement can't hold me over anymore, because now it's time that I need to be doing. I need to be finding a job and working. I don't know how to do it. The apartment is not going to work out long-term, so we'll definitely look for a new place when our lease is over in January. I don't have a job anywhere yet, but where I want to work in the city is literally a 2 hour commute one way. And it's expensive. If I pay more, it could be a little shorter, but not much. I sort of have my dance plan together, but I'm depressed about that too, because I need it to start happening now. I need money for lessons though. I need a job. I need a studio to practice at. Our trip to the city yesterday was not very successful.

What do I do? How much longer can I hold it together until it all falls apart for real. And what will happen then? I suppose it could be worse, but I'm not really sure how. I'm tired of marking time. We're both doing it and we're both tired of it. Where am I going? Running on empty, how can I get momentum before it's too late?

My Pro-Pro Path!

2011-08-18T04:19:00.000-04:00

Written Sunday night:

The good news is that I truely feel like I have purpose again- probably for the first time in many, many years. I guess I've only had this kind of focus in preparing to get into a good college. This is very similar actually. I'm finally going to do pro-pro. That means I need a studio job so that I can pay for lessons. V has let me go- we've decided that the time as come that we can no longer dance together. We knew it would happen at some point. He says I have to work hard and win because he's investing in my dancing career by allowing me to spend so much money on lessons. He wants me to make masters within 3 years, then I can pro-pro with him, and maybe he can get good enough to make masters someday too. When I make masters, people will pay me to dance and teach dance for real. They'll pay me to travel all over the world.

Here's the brilliant part. I'm entering into a great network of the best dancers. I'm going to pro-pro. That means I'll dance with a top level dancer and only I will be judged. His boyfriend/life-partner/whatever-you-call-that is better than me but is just about the only person I can dance, and especially make masters, with. We're hoping he will naturally take me as a partner in time, though he's not currently interested. My pro partner really wants to do showcase with me. I'm made for showcase dancing. There are not currently any masters that I know of that are as small as I am and showcase uses lots of lifts. I don't think I qualify for that yet though.

Anyway, their network extends larger. Their web of dance partners and life-partners (all the guys are gay) means that they're beginning to travel as a packaged deal with a whole group. If I can be a part of that, it would be even easier for me to get these paying gigs.
I have such a good feeling about this. I had a strange intuition when I first saw these two, but I didn't know how it could pan out. My career plan is finally setting. Things are coming together, opportunities are arising. I can make this happen. I'm motivated enough that I do believe I can make it happen. For some reason, I'm not even worried about the money anymore. I do really need to get a studio job though...

I got a taste of what the future of my dancing and teaching can be. I want to make it real and I know I can. I actually truly know I can too. Like with at least 99% of my being that I will make it happen. Did I mention that I also am in desperate need of some new gay best friends?

"When the goal is clear, the work becomes easy." -Mary Kay

I changed my mind. 100% of my being.

Neuro-Typical

2011-08-11T03:33:00.000-04:00

NT=Neurotypical=Normal

I may not be NT, but I am definitely awesome. Here's why.

I started thinking about this post before researching my predictions. Here's what I needed to research. We watched Jesse Eisenberg on Jimmy Fallon. I had just asked V what disorder he thought some other guy on tv had, and we decided on aspergers. So then Jesse was on, and V says that Jesse has ADD. I'm like "I don't know..." He's like "you don't see it? How his mind jumps around? It's like he can't keep up with it" and I said "well he's definitely not normal, but I don't know about that... I'm mean, he's on tv in front of tons of people, he's obviously nervous, it's hard to say if that's really ADD or if it's just nervousness." So I was going to write this brilliant post about how you can often tell when people aren't NT. I was with an ADHD kid last week and he mentioned one of my abnormalities, but I don't think he expected me to be abnormal too. So I wonder, do I appear to be NT? I know I do an ever better job of hiding my behaviors, but usually hiding them just comes across as evidence of other motives. I think this is why people see that I'm a princess. I am a princess, but I don't find ways to hold back and let other people open the door for me because I'm a princess. I do it because touching the door handle causes me extreme anxiety. On a side note, the ADHD kid had noticed with his friends that V was not NT.

So, back to Jesse Eisenberg. I decided to watch some more youtube videos of him being interviewed and then googled him a whole bunch. What is his issue? He's obsessive compulsive. WIN! This is a win on multiple levels for me. First of all, it's a win because I suggested that he's abnormal but he's just anxious, meaning that his abnormalities stem from his anxiety, hence anxiety disorder of some sort. This is a win for a second reason, because I was going to compare my dignosis of him with my being diagnosed as OCD by the ADHD kid. And so I have my answer: Yes, OCD is obvious enough that it comes across as non-NT. Yes, it is visible. No, the cause of the abnormalities is not as clear as would be the case for other disorders. By that, I mean that combined, V and I only knew that something was wrong with Jesse. OCD manifests in so many different ways that it's easy to see it as some other disorder. Just like we weren't totally clear about Jesse's diagnosis, I suspect that people don't know what to think about my diagnosis. Unfortunately, I do a good enough job of hiding it so my disorder just makes me appear conceited and rude. Maybe it would be better to just show the disorder...

And so Jesse Eisenberg is my new favorite celebrity. He lives in New York. If I saw him on the subway, I think I would have to say "I think we should be best friends." Or not. But we should be.

Self-Compassion

2011-08-06T03:59:00.000-04:00

My poor brain seems to be too taxed to be able to handle much comprehensive essay writing, so I may be doing more and more of this listing thing:

I had a good day. Found out last night that we do in fact have insurance still- probably through the 15th- which is such a relief. I called the dentist at 1pm (when I woke up. early!) and asked for an appointment tomorrow or next week while we're here with insurance. She said they are closed tomorrow and next week on vacation!!! She was like hold for a sec, then she came back and was like, can you come at 1:20pm? I was like ummm YES! So V and I both got our teeth cleaned for free! And by free, I mean no co-pay. SUCH a relief!!! Best dentist office ever. Clean teeth :)

Came home, got some work done, booked a moving van, then went to school with V. One of my pals was eating there, so I ended up hanging out with him for 3 hours. He is such a mess!!! I highly enjoyed it though. I'm a mess too, so I can fit right in. Slightly off topic, but have you seen "Plain Jane" the tv show? They basically give huge nerd girls make-overs then plan a date for them with the boy they have a secret crush on. I watched it for the first time tonight and it was fantastic. I have never seen two more awkward people on tv for real. Most reality shows have gorgeous smooth talkers, you know? Omg not these. Check it out. We couldn't stop laughing. When we're appalled, you know it's bad.

I'm feeling more self-compassionate somehow. I'm not quite sure how. I usually don't quite know why I make the improvements I do, but it makes me very excited. I don't feel like I've ever really had true self-compassion. I think that I've many times told myself that I did. The trouble with that is that when you just tell yourself that you're something, it keeps you from realizing that it's really a lie in your head. Saying so doesn't make it so, even if we're talking about your mind. It's like a friend I have that thinks she's open-minded. She's really incredibly closed-minded, but she'll never become open-minded because she doesn't think she needs to improve. So for me, somehow I'm actually feeling it. I think my time with my parents on vacation helped me a lot. It's always good to go back and see how I interact with people of my past. I've been working through a lot of my childhood experiences lately, which has brought me the most positive change I've experienced possibly ever. I feel like I'm finally seeing real results through therapy. Really, I've been reading a book and then discussing my thoughts on the book with my therapist, but that helps a lot. I'm a near expert on many things mental health, but I'm not actually an expert. And I also struggle to know what "normal" is. I don't always know when the things I do are unusual.

Lately, I've also had a lot of people from my past and present randomly im-ing me. It's interesting to know so many people from so many places now. They all inevitably know different pieces of me, so interacting with them back-to-back or even at the same time privately on im is strange and revealing. I feel like my "self" is beginning to unify. I'm beginning to feel more like the same person in different circumstances. It's a gift to be able to adapt to different situations, but it's also a curse when you can't seem to control those changes. Right now, I'd rather focus on unifying those pieces. It seems to be working quite well. I think I'm finally freeing myself. And I'm having a night where I just want to message a whole bunch of people and tell them how much I love them and miss them and be all gushy. I hate being gushy for real, but I have these feelings sweep over me, like I want to shout from the mountain tops. Sometimes people say that about love. I feel that way about my general love for my friends. I feel like it's too easy for friends to not know you're thinking about them and that you care. I don't have to shout from a mountain top for V, because I have the ability to show those feelings consistently, which I would think is better for a marriage.

Health Over Family Vacay

2011-08-01T04:27:00.000-04:00

Brief thoughts because I'm up too late and have to get up too early
*is it just me or does it seem like the government just decided not to decide in their big decision about the debt or whatever?
*Niagra Fall is AMAZING. Canada is SO clean!! I only saw the touristy places, but they seriously made me think about moving to Canada. Why does everyone not live there?
*As of today, I no longer have health insurance for the first time in my life. I thought I was planning ahead, but it wasn't far enough, because I really dropped the ball on a few things. How long do you think it'll be before something catastrophic happens to me?
*My parents have been feeding me and I've been doing well. We've been driving a LOT, so I've been sleeping a LOT, but I do feel pretty healthy.
*My dad and I haven't killed each other yet! They're not gone yet, but so far, so good. I highly enjoy having them here on my own turf. That's how it was with V's family after the wedding too. We've been having fun playing Rock Band and Dance Central in our time at our place.
*I think it's a lot easier to sleep and eat when you can spend money on it. It has been SO nice to not have to worry about what I can afford. At one hotel we stayed at, I had my own room in our suite! Their room overlooked the American falls at Niagra Falls! It was so awesome. I slept so well when I slept.
*Last night, knowing that I was about to return home to semi-reality (only semi- because they're still here), I couldn't sleep for the first time on the trip. I was worrying so much. We're moving in a week and a half! We're competing between now and then too! We have so much to do and mostly, so much to figure out.
*Back at home, I'm already returning to avoidance behaviors. In school, I think I trained myself to value my "mental health days" too much. I'm now too fond of laying down and dying. Of just giving up. This really isn't the time for that. No time is really the time for that...
*Despite sleeping so much on the trip, I've still been exhausted. Maybe because I haven't been using my cpap?
*Back at home, I'm too tired to get ready for bed. I'll probably get 5 hours of sleep tonight. Not even CLOSE to enough.
*V looks younger since I've been gone. Is my nagging really that stressful for him? He said he likes knowing that my parents are feeding me and taking care of me so he doesn't have to worry about me. When I get a job, maybe he won't have to worry about me so much. I worry about myself most of the time, so he's probably justified in his worry. I'm sad to know that I stress him out so much though.

That's it for now. I'm trying to convert my worry into excitement. I am excited, but I'm also extremely worried.

Princess K

2011-07-27T04:58:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, we signed a lease in New York! We have the most unbelievable place on the Long Island Sound. We're in a "loft" that's basically all windows with a gorgeous view of the Sound and the $4.9 million house next door! The place is very "quirky" and "artistic", as the landlady describes it. Transportation is doable but not as good as I had wanted. It's a small place with no kitchen, though it has two bathrooms and sinks... and it's more than we wanted to spend, but it's SO GORGEOUS. So we basically threw out all of our housing requirements for this place. I was afraid that I would feel more and more guilty for going for it, because I feel like it was an irresponsible, selfish move, but the more I think about it, the happier I feel. I'm so excited. Despite the drawbacks, it's on the ocean! It's so nice! We have a housekeeper that cleans every week! I prepaid rent and bills through January! We live in a crazy rich neighborhood with crazy rich people that will hopefully spend their crazy money on dance lessons, Mary Kay products, and tutoring from both of us. If nothing else, it's the PERFECT place to make connections. And we got an unbelievable deal.

When we got to New York, we didn't even know about this place or this area. I'd been emailing one woman a lot about a cheap room in a house, so we went down to look at it, but I was hesitant about the location, and then after seeing it, we were pretty "meh" about it. She showed me a bigger room in the house even though it'd cost more and it was better but I still wasn't totally excited about it. So she mentioned her other house. She said "I KNOW you'll love it. There's no question about that. I'm POSITIVE you'll love it. It's quirky and artistic and on the beach and you'll love it. But it would be more expensive..." so I was like "...ok." Might as well, right? It turned out to be the place we chose.

So here's the question. Why was she so sure that I belonged in the rich, classy neighborhood, not the normal, cozy one? Am I THAT much of a princess? That after 30 minutes with a stranger, they can sense that I belong in a place like that? I mean, this rich place went against most of my requirements! The cozy place pretty much met all of them! I never would have responded to the rich ad in a million years. Yet I clearly belonged in it. I've gotten excellent at charming people. I carry myself well. I looked decent. I took care of pretty much all of the meeting while V played games on his phone. Later, as we were signing the lease and I was thinking about this question, I noticed when I, twice, wiped chocolate off of V's face. I guess I can see the princess in that. It turned out that she was a good enough judge of my character, because I did end up loving this place. Somehow I tricked her into thinking that I'm responsible and clean, though. That's going to be an issue...

So, now I have to be responsible and clean. In this situation, clean is the big one. She's not immediately snobby, but she is very quick to judge cleanliness, and she's a harsh critic. She also doesn't agree with my belief of the principle that my rented space is MINE to do what I'd like with it. Meaning, she believes that I don't only have to keep the common areas clean- I also have to keep my private space clean. So... that's going to be a challenge. She lives in the house our loft is in. We're kind of set aside and do have a private entrance, but we don't have doors on anything but the bathrooms! So my late night hours are going to be really tricky too. I'm going to have to be so super quiet.

As I'm packing, I'm having to judge all of my stuff- is it rich enough looking? The answer is usually no. We had to get rid of all of our nice furniture when we left Texas, so much of what we have now is hot pink, Walmart, college sale stuff. I love it! It's fun and bright and functional. I don't need to be rich and snobby- especially at this point in my poor life. But now I'm having to start filtering my decor through the eyes of the new neighborhood. I can't say I'm not excited to play rich for a little bit, but I'm also a little sad that it might cramp my style. I obviously already come across as a princess... I don't think I need to add actual snobbery on top of that. She really likes me though. She was so confident that I belonged in that place that she waived our security deposit and set our rent at $1000. The person that just moved out paid $1500!!

In the past, I've surrounded myself with people that encouraged my vanity. I expect this place to either humble me for being poor or to turn me from a princess into a trophy wife! The later does seem like the most natural progression...

How to Not be an Adult

2011-07-20T05:47:00.000-04:00

Why I'm not really an adult yet:
1. Every time I clean, I have allergy attacks. I blame this dusty old house, not the fact that I never clean until I absolutely have to.
2. When I dropped my spoonful of healthy peanut butter at 5am, I decided to open up a Sprite instead of getting more healthy food, even though I have an appointment at 2pm tomorrow.
3. My 2pm appointment means I have to get up early. Really early.
4. My mom called me on Sunday and I still haven't listened to her message. If it were important, I know she'd just email me. I might have a business message or two waiting for me too though...
5. I still haven't made my important phone calls. These range in overdueness from days to months.
6. When I told my mom that my passport came so I can go to Canada with them next week, she told me to put it somewhere safe where I wouldn't lose it. I was not offended, because she's right.
7. I haven't touched my bucket of important papers in weeks. I do know, however, not to put my passport in that bucket.
8. I've needed to pick up otc medicine for a week. I'm seeing my doctor again on Friday. My prescription meds didn't work, but do I have to tell him, like usual, that I don't know if I'll be healed?
9. My chigger bites are getting bigger and bigger because I can't resist scratching them. At least I scratch them gently, like I'm tickling them.
10. I double booked this Saturday. Oops. Our farewell workshop is going to really blow. No one rsvped yet, but I do know better than to move the time the week of the workshop. Oh well. I already paid a lot for the other, nonrefundable engagement. I'm so tired of being self-employed.
11. Tonight I dewrinkled a ton of clothes that have been sitting in a pile in clothes basket purgatory for months now, but then I didn't take them out of the dryer. I don't really feel like it. I'll probably do that tomorrow.
12. I beat my tetris game. It doesn't know how to deal with levels above 109, because it only uses two digits ("-9" maxes it out).

And that's why I'm going to start being responsible tomorrow. Wednesday through Friday are going to be my responsible days this month.

In other, more responsible news, I have started packing, I've finally for real cleaned the counter that I found mercury powder on. I spent so long cleaning up the floor the night it happened that when I found it on the counter, I decided it was better for my health to go outside and call poison control. So I wiped it up, but not well. I cleaned a lot of the kitchen, though I still need to clean the knife block because it got engulfed in a spider web. I wish my oven worked. I really am motivated to make cookies. We've decided to move to Westchester, so I've done more research on that and have emailed some potential roommates. I did all the dishes. I actually slightly enjoyed doing the dishes for a while and I feel like I made some kind of emotional peace with myself on a topic while I was deep in thought to the water running. I'm not really sure what to do about it, but time is healing this situation. I'm sure it has taken self-compassion and understanding as well, but I'm glad I've reached this place. I didn't really expect to ever be here. And... that's about all I can think of that has been responsible.

We have a pretty depressed apartment, so I'm trying my best to be happy for V. At night I can wallow. Is that a good plan or a bad plan? Justin Timberlake on Jimmy Fallon did make my night tonight, though. Someone needs to give him his own show or something. Or maybe he just needs to marry me. That's complicated. And illegal, right?

Vermont: Beautiful and Buggy

2011-07-19T05:22:00.001-04:00

I went swimming in the river today and it really was beautiful. You know the joke about how when everyone gets their first pair of glasses, they say "wow, I didn't know that trees had individual leaves!" (because previously, the trees had always been green blobs)? I have the same feeling with the summers here. I've seen plenty of trees. I've seen their individual leaves, in fact. But here, it's like there's a reason to look at the individual leaves. It's like the leaves are in 3D. They're so gorgeous and vibrant that even nature-haters like me can't resist them. They're mezmorizing. Nature seems to have more depth here. It's more moving. And I am really starting to get used to this clean air thing. It's so peaceful, quiet, fresh.

And then there are the bugs. The only great thing about the winter here was the lack of bugs. I won't underestimate the glory of that. Not having bugs around is heaven. But the bugs now are horrible!!!! Last night my left leg got devoured by a chigger or something similar. I saw bites on both legs, so I put on socks. When I woke up, I had way more bites on the left foot. So now I guess I have chiggers in my bed? I've been chasing around spiders like crazy too. There's a massive one that I've tried to kill thrice now in two days, and he always hops away before my shoe hits him! There are spider webs EVERYWHERE. We've had black flies EVERYWHERE times two. I've been much better about keeping things cleaner and that has helped with the flies, but we still can't get rid of them. They're like gnats but they bite. I've discovered that I can't use my body wash, because then I smell like food and bugs eat me even more. I've woken up a few times now to giant ants (the biggest ants I've ever seen) crawling on me in bed. I can't deal with this! I really don't think I'm willing to overlook the bugs in order to breathe clean air and see 3D leaves. My feet are very itchy.

Memories

2011-07-18T06:14:00.000-04:00

It occurred that I have to concentrate particularly hard when trying to remember a good memory. When I'm able to access it, the feeling is overwhelming, and I generally change the topic in my mind. Because I don't feel worthy of the good emotions? Because I don't want to get used to the good emotions, because that makes the normal and inevitable bad ones seem worse?

On the other hand, bad memories seem to haunt me. Bad memories make up my past and shape me into who I am. They're my baggage I can't seem to get rid of. Why are my bad memories so central to who I am, yet the good memories don't even seem like mine? They seem like dreams. It's like the nightmares won't go away when I wake up, but I can't seem to hold onto the good dreams even when I try. That is what happens to my dreams, in fact. Does that happen to everyone? Regardless, I don't think that's supposed to happen in real life.

All of my memories should be mine. I deserve the good ones as much as I deserve the bad ones, right? They're all me. They all shape me. The good memories aren't any less important. In fact, they should be MORE important. Maybe this is why I'm so preoccupied with finding happiness. Whenever I find it, it seems so fleeting. I can't even get it to stick around as a memory. I don't know how to validate my good memories. I don't think that telling myself I'm worth it is going to make enough of a difference. Maybe I just need more support in the good times. I need to practice embracing them without looking forward, afraid of the time when they'll be done with. Maybe the issue happens at the moment of memory storage. I need my brain to put those good memories in front so that I can find them. Despite saying this, I still don't think it's a good idea. I've been so trained to expect the worst. Why bask in the happiness when I'll only risk being humiliated? I do deserve happiness. So why can't I let myself enjoy it? Why can't I be my happinesses?

Toxic Lightbulb Drama

2011-07-17T06:30:00.000-04:00

I was going to open up my post by saying something like "well, life continues to be uneventful. I just wish something interesting would happen" and then be all "NOT", but that would be such a dirty trick I couldn't even bring myself to do it. So, here we go for real.

Did I mention the mouse we had stuck in the apartment for a day and a half? He was a pathetic little thing- almost cute. For a while he scurried, then he got so confused and tired that he'd just sit and look. He's sit in plain sight. We tried hard to catch him. We still had a trap out from the last time we had a rodent inside... that was quite a while back. No one believed me until many months later, we saw that V's rice bag had been gnawed on. That was a big rodent. This was a little field mouse for sure. Earlier today, I was in bed, probably around 2pm, and I heard this super loud sound. It woke me up and shook the apartment. At first, probably before opening my eyes, I thought, why would a gun be going off around here? Then when my sleepy brain processed the shaking feeling, I thought it must be a bomb. I seriously looked down to make sure I had all my limbs. I got out of bed, looked in the living room, looked outside, and saw nothing, so I went back to sleep. Around 9pm tonight when we still hadn't seen the mouse, I thought about the sound! Sure enough, the mouse was in the trap. And I was freed! Free to resume life like normal.

I started washing dishes, which I was afraid to do with the mouse running around. There were a lot of dishes to do. I knocked a florescent bulb off of the counter onto the (carpeted) kitchen floor and thought "shoot, I'll finish dishes then pick up the glass." I was mezmorized by Justin Timberlake on SNL and busy with my dishes. I went into the bedroom to get a drying cloth and mentioned to V that I had knocked the bulb off and that he should be careful if he came out. I don't know why I mentioned this. He never really listens when I warn him about things, especially when they don't seem pressing. But I did. And then he told me that I had spilled mercury out of the bulb and that I was going to get poisoned and, well, die (or at least "death" is what I heard).

Did you know florescent bulbs are poisonous when broken? They are. So I asked how to clean it. He told me sort of, but not really, because that's how he does. So I went out, finished washing dishes (right by the mercury), then attempted to clean it up. I figured that I should google it to see what else I needed to do, at which point I discovered that I had pretty much done everything wrong. I tried to follow the directions, but I ended up inhaling this stuff for nearly 2 hours. Our apartment is probably at least 90 degrees inside because we don't have air conditioning, so vapors rise, and it is pretty much unventilable, which is partially why it's so dang hot. These are bad situations when you have toxic fumes. So I went outside to get some fresh air. I even called the poison control center, and the woman told me that I wasn't going to die.

So, I cleaned up, sort of, but I don't know if I got it all. I didn't have the tools to really finish. So I don't know what to do. Apparently there's so little mercury in bulbs that the most that would happen would probably be that I get a headache, but it does need to be cleaned for sure. So life is NOT back to normal. I have plastic bags over the area so I can "comfortably" walk to the bathroom. Did I do a good job of cleaning? I don't know. Geez.

Don't leave toxic chemicals sitting on the counter for weeks on end!!!! They don't belong on the counter just as much as they don't belong in the real garbage! Take them to their proper recycling place! Here I am worried about all the knives V leaves sitting around. I didn't even know I was going to knock off a dangerous lightbulb instead!!! Please learn from this very dumb mistake. And I don't mean mine.

My Gut Feelings Aren't Helping

2011-07-15T05:21:00.000-04:00

I'm so torn. I guess I was getting used to the idea of being a follower for once- a good wife that follows her husband and doesn't have to make all the major life decisions. We're a team, I make most of the decisions, but I've been happy to move for his job. I don't like it here, and I thought I'd be really excited to choose to go to New York. The move is happening sooner than I want, but now I don't know what to do. He isn't hearing back from employers. He got an email today that the people like his resume but the position is already filled (school starts in like a month!). So that means I get to choose where we move next month and I need to decide asap. Now I really don't like the pressure! I was so sure of New York! Now I just don't know...

I've made pro and con lists, I've spent so much time just sitting and thinking. Tetris always helps me think. Logically, there doesn't seem to be a winner right now. Too much is up in the air. Too much is unknown. I'm trying to trust my gut feelings, but now I don't even feel like I have any. Or, maybe I have gut feelings against both places. All places. I'll start to think that being here isn't so bad, but then I imagine not planning to move, and I'm miserable again. The one thing I know is that I want to leave here. But that's all I know. I just don't know what to do.

I want someone to tell me where to go! I want a dancer to sweep me off my feet and say "come work at my studio! come be my dance partner!" but that isn't happening.

I'm so tired. I actually want to sleep. But there's some kind of field mouse in my apartment. I'm sitting on trashcan guard. When he runs in the trashcan to get the peanut butter, I'm supposed to tell V and he'll dump the sucker outside, but this is taking too long. It's light now. Does that mean the mouse is going to sleep now? I haven't seen him in a while. Does that mean I can go to sleep and be safe? Where can we move that we won't get mice stuck inside our apartment? NOT COOL.

Time to Live

2011-07-13T03:54:00.000-04:00

Hello world! Time continues to fly by and we continue to be undecided about our future. We have decided that we will make our plan by the end of the week. V is going tomorrow night to pick up boxes so that we can start packing. He went tonight but they didn't have any. V still hasn't heard back from anyone about jobs, so we'll need to decide based on dance. Brainstorming:

New York:
The only country dancers are most likely about to go on tour for a show. There's one dancer who I would love to have as my new partner (V and I have decided that I need a better, more dedicated partner and he needs to do line dance) and he is partner-less this year, but he's not looking for a partner now. There are lots of studios and also lots of dance instructors. Teaching will probably not be enough money, so I'd probably have to have another job. I have started networking in NYC. The biggest problem right now is that we have 2 more years on our car lease. Parking and driving in the NYC area is ridiculous. We learned that the hard way this past weekend. New Jersey is definitely out of the question unless V gets a job there (and even still, he might be commuting TO Nj!)

Boston:
There's a pro there that I would like to pro-pro with. He works at a studio, so it's conceivable that I could work at the studio and dance with him. He also teaches line dance. I haven't discussed this with him yet, and I'm not even sure he'd be good for me, but I do like him a lot and he's very good. I have one friend there that's looking for a roommate, but I have to be careful not to move just to help her out! Sometimes I can do things like that and I probably shouldn't. I don't generally like Boston all that much, but NYC is honestly probably a little overwhelming in the long term and dirty. If V didn't hang all over things, the dirtiness of the city wouldn't bother me, but he does. I don't want him bringing all that back into my apartment. I have enough trouble keeping the forest and fish smell out of our current apartment. At least I can sense that to clean it though. NYC filthiness is invisible.

Providence:
Our coach has a studio there. We haven't asked about working at her studio and she hasn't mentioned anything. The other studio owners, however, did say they wanted us (or at least V, because he danced with their bazillion female students). Teaching for that studio would not be terribly good for continuing to take from our coach. I could probably pro-pro with her husband, but I don't really want to. They're so expensive, and pro-pro requires many many hours. It's a little more all or nothing than couples.

Regardless of where we go, I'm going to start living my life again. No more of the putting life on hold. No more waiting for V and waiting for money to appear. No more of this being completely poor and staying there. No more of this "potential" stuff. Everyone says I have so much "potential" and I've yet to make anything of that. I can't wait for V, because that's not his future. It's mine. I need to make money, working on my dance, and be independent. I need to be somewhere that I can get transportation on my own. It's time.

Tired

2011-07-07T06:25:00.000-04:00

6am, too tired to sleep, too tired to work, too tired to think, too tired to do much of anything. We taught an hour north of here last night, I fell asleep in the car on the way home, got home, crashed into bed and slept for 2 hours before waking up at 2am. I'm still up. I don't have a terribly long day ahead of me, but it's our last day to practice before the competition, and I generally don't sleep at those, so it's important that I rest up now. I bet I can fall asleep soon for a bit, but I'm kind of missing out on nighttime. That doesn't make V too happy. Yesterday I admitted that I just really don't care all that much about cramming for this weekend. We're good enough that people will be impressed. We're not happy with our progress, but we also don't have the energy right now to care very much. We're burnt out on not being able to get better, so that doesn't help with our general low moods caused by the lack of one year plan. We still haven't heard from anyone. When we first found out, it was a surprise, but it opened up doors. Now, he's searched for the doors and hasn't been invited into any yet. That makes it a lot harder, knowing that he doing everything he can, applying to multiple jobs basically everyday, and nothing is coming out of it. The clock is ticking before the school year starts and we have to figure out how, when, and where to move...

I read some in my favorite self-help book, and I'm figured out some things on the topic of forgiveness, guilt, and anger that I discussed in my previous post. For example, my propensity toward feeling guilty for every little thing has been my way of feeling some kind of control over my environment. When people are irrational and situations are unpredictable, taking responsibility at least allows me to believe that I have the power to alleviate the situation. It puts the problem in my own hands. Unfortunately, that's not really the case. My mental overcompensation doesn't translate into actual ability to exert much control over anything outside of me. Knowing what I should actually feel guilty about becomes a big complicated mess, because often, there's a hint of both truths. For example, maybe if someone criticizes me, their assessment is slightly true, but they're projecting their own insecurities on me, so they're blowing my responsibility out of proportion. In that case, how do I pick it apart and deal with it? By considering the truth while forgiving the rest? I'll write more on this later. I'm too tired.

Halfway Through 2011

2011-07-04T06:30:00.000-04:00

I've been sleeping a LOT. I've probably been sleeping way too much. I'm up late tonight- not sure why- but at least I finally got some cleaning done. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get or what I do during the day, I get home and I'm exhausted. Lately, eating has exhausted me even more. I feel like usually food at least energizes me briefly, but that has not been the case. I've been having a lot of trouble eating, though I did finish my dinner last night. If you've never seen me eat before, you wouldn't know that when I finish my plate, I clap for myself, and generally everyone at the table says "yay!" for me! It doesn't happen frequently, so it's a celebration.

I was recently reading about how the new DSM-5 has a proposed revision to add "Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder". No, I definitely don't need to be labeling myself more, but there's no question that I meet the diagnosis for this disorder. The reason it excites me is because in time, therapists will become trained in ways to help with this disorder. I can tell you that right now, some mental health professionals recognize that some people naturally avoid food and that this is unusual and unhealthy, but they don't quite understand the implications or what can be done about it. Hopefully research on this topic will grow, and someday, someone will be able to help me with this. By the way, this is not a new disorder for me, though my malnutrition is slightly newer. When I was a kid, my parents would make me sit at the table for hours until I would finish my food. They wouldn't let me get up to go to the bathroom, because they thought I would spit out my food, and I was constantly chewing, so it was too bad if I had to go to the bathroom. Eating sucks.

Did you realize that the year is half over? I am extremely excited to say that I finally feel like an adult. I wasn't sure if I'd actually have a mind-set change to adulthood, and I really have. It doesn't have to do with all the bills issues either, like one might expect. I feel like I finally have enough of an awareness of the world that I should rightfully be held to my actions. To me, being a child or teenager excuses you from a lot of things. I've always taken too much responsibility for thing I did and didn't do. I'm working to let this go. But I feel like, now, my actions are based in reality. I'm more informed of the effects on myself and others. I hope this doesn't encourage me to start hoarding my emotional baggage. That's my next concern.

As for specific resolutions of mine, "success" has been sketchy. My Rosetta Stone has not been working, so I can't even do that when I try. My body is finally healing from the accident. My marriage is way stronger. I've discovered a lot about myself, and I have a better idea of where I need to go. I've been having nightmares, and I feel like some of them have strangely impacted my life for the better. My nightmares used to always be about something vague like someone chasing me or something, but now my dreams and nightmares seem more grounded in reality. I was reading a theory that we dream in order to visualize how to solve life problems. I thought it was kind of dumb at first, but I've sort of been experiencing this. Who knows why we dream. I just know my dreams have been weird and scary. I like to think they've been helping me. I've been sleeping so much that they've impacted my waking life too.

I'm become more nervous and terrified of moving. I do need some kind of job to help give my life meaning. I don't have confidence that I can hold a job, but I guess I've done it before, so it'll be good for me. Hopefully I can get away with just teaching dance, though I don't know how that'll work out. The idea of competing is kind of up in the air. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm, again, not feeling great about my abilities, but I think I'm just stressed and confused and depressed about our current situation. Despite sleeping a lot, I've been unable to sleep a lot too, which means I'm having to sleep very late, and that really upsets V. I know I need to have more self-compassion for myself, but sometimes I do wonder how he puts up with me. I hope that a new life in a new place will help me to become more independent again.

Starting Over

2011-07-02T08:45:00.000-04:00

Quick post because I have to wake up early but have been up for an hour unable to fall back asleep for my last couple of hours. I was thinking about how resilient the body is. I wake up a bazillion times a night when I stop breathing, but I only fully (consciously) wake up some of those times. When I wake up, if there are any needs unmet, I can't fall back asleep. Generally I have to get up, go to the bathroom, eat, wash my face, brush my teeth. Eating kind of makes sense- I guess my body is really working to repair itself or something, so it's running through all of its fuel. I can't understand how anorexic people function, partially because I can't understand how they sleep. My body can't handle much food at once, or really at all, but when it needs food, it needs food, and it refuses to function until it gets food. Like, when I get hungry, I get REALLY hungry NOW. As for getting ready for bed, I often fall asleep before I get ready for bed. This is fine, because I sometimes have trouble falling asleep. If I can fall asleep at all semi- at will, that's awesome. I'm very impressed that my body knows when I haven't gotten ready for bed though. After a few hours of sleeping, I'll wake up and have to get up to get ready. I'm thankful, because brushing your teeth is very important. It's something I definitely need to do. It's amazing to me that my semi-sleeping body won't let me rest until I take care of that.

But then I had another thought cross my mind and stick. I really don't want to move. This is the first time I've had this thought, and it is weighing so heavily on me. It's one of those things that you so definitively know. I'm undecided about a lot of things, but this one I feel deep inside of me. I really want to have a home. Moving within a city/town is tough enough. I'm tired of that. But I really don't know how I'm going to relocate again. It's so exhausting. I've finally gotten a point where I know people here. I'm not totally attached to them, but I really don't want to start over so soon. We went to a dance last night where we usually know everyone. Last night we didn't know everyone though. There were a lot of people in from out of town for the holiday weekend. It was exciting to see new faces! But I was not excited to dance with them. I was already feeling very meh and the music was completely uninspiring (boring), but I didn't have friends that I wanted to dance with. In such a situation, I'm forcing myself to meet people. I've done that for the past year and I'm so tired of it. I want to be done with that.

So, I have thoughts of calling off the move unless V finds a job somewhere, but then I remember that there really isn't anything here. If we can find a place with a comparable rent (though I don't know how I could possibly fit in a smaller place), then we're losing nothing by leaving. We've made some connections here, and I've recently had some good dance leads, but overall, this town is a dead-end for us. It's likely that the leads wouldn't pan out anyway. If you're going to be jobless, you might as well be jobless in a place with more jobs, or at least in a place you like. Comfort is the only reason to stay here- like we're away at camp, except that it's home. There's no real life here. There are no roads for us to meaningful happiness. Staying seems selfish, and staying isn't the best thing for our well-being anyway.

So I guess we're still moving. As if I had energy, I think it's time to start saving it up. Does it work that way? I really don't want to do this.

What Is Forgiveness Anyway?

2011-06-27T05:06:00.000-04:00

I was done for the night, what with having to wake up in 3 hours, but I have forgiveness on my mind and I don't want to let these thoughts get away because I'm probably delerious, but they're also probably like gold.

I talk all the time about how I blame myself for everything. I have this huge imagination, I'm very sensitive, and every bad situation becomes this unbearable travisty. Usually I assume it's my fault. Blaming myself was ingrained in me from a very early age even though I tried to fight it. So I carry all this guilt and shame over silly things.

I've also mentioned how I like when I can hate people more than myself. This is why I like selfish, narcissistic boys. They're so outrageously inconsiderate that I know I'm right to blame them, and this is a welcome relief for me. I've also liked drama in the past, because it has given me something big to focus on. Something to be really angry about. It became a good excuse for having to deal with something outside of myself. It becomes a good excuse for me to take care of myself for real for once, because I feel so wronged. Conveniently, being so concerned with myself often accidentally led to drama. In time, I've come to dislike drama like this, and I've even come to dislike selfish boys. Thank goodness distance has helped me grow up in that way.

There are some people to whom my anger seems to be impenatrable. I want to let it go. I want to move on, but I just can't seem to figure out how. It occured to me tonight that I don't really know what forgiveness is. There's definitely a difference between forgiving and forgetting. I guess that I've taken the blame for so long that I've never learned how to forgive. I've liked blame others and I've been used to blaming myself. Blame in general creates a big ball of confused anger. It makes you angry in general. In trying to be self-compassionate, I've allowed myself to focus my anger on others while quietly and unknowingly suffering. It's probably the anger that continues to drain me- not even the blame anymore. I don't think I'm really that angry of a person. I'm good at seeing the good in people. I also have a habit of black and white thinking in which case someone that wrongs me gets blacklisted. I don't really blacklist them because I dislike them. I blacklist them because I feel like they dislike me. Regardless, we are not friends anymore. We are enemies and I cannot let it go. I'm not even just talking about one person here. This has come to be a theme. It's probably one of the primary things that is holding me back in my life happiness. I can't seem to let go of these speed-bumps in my life.

I'm not saying I haven't learned from them. I've learned a TON from them, and for that I am grateful. But given that and the fact that I can see people as flawed human beings, and I can take blame for what I've done (even if that's kind of a mess), why can't I forgive? What does it mean to forgive? And how do you accomplish it? How do you get over that anger? I feel like I need to grieve but I just can't make it happen. In my experience, time hasn't even healed the situations. Time has helped significantly. But what remains after all this time is just not going to go away on its own. I was reading a blog post by one of my former professors about how self-compassion is better than self-esteem. I feel like self-esteem has helped me get over one of these situations. Now maybe self-compassion will heal me entirely. Will I ever heal? With another more recent situation, I feel that I have been self-compassionate. Will time heal me entirely? Maybe it takes both.

I think that to forgive for real, one must grieve first. I'm fantastic at dealing with deaths. So why can't I figure out how to use this process with the living? It's the same process, just so much harder because there's still someone else involved. I think that makes nothing definite. I feel like grieving in my head won't work, because the situation may still not all be in my head. Except that it probably generally is... so what is forgiveness anyway?

Keep on Keeping On

2011-06-27T00:58:00.000-04:00

I did spend quite a bit of time today cleaning and organizing to prepare to pack. A lot of my time working is sitting on the couch looking around for something to do. I just never know where to start. In a way, most of my stuff is fairly well organized. The place looks like a mess, but in a way, a lot of stuff is already ready to be packed. It's almost like I'm at that point in packing where you just need to pack the stuff that's organized so that you can find all the other junk that isn't organized yet. I think that's a more reasonable assessment, because on top of all the organized stuff is odds and ends- the kind of stuff that ends up being thrown in the last few boxes because you don't know what else to do with it, but some of it is important!

I ate a little bit of real food today and lots of sherbet/ice cream. Today's guilty pleasure was America's Funniest Home Videos. I feel like I need to get dvds of that show or something so I can watch it whenever I feel down. I've ended up watching a lot of tv today, because when V comes home, somehow my productivity stops. He got home too late to go practice, though, so we lost one more day of practicing. I don't know what's going to happen with the competition in two weeks. Logistically, I don't even know if we're volunteering anymore, even though I emailed them months ago and they told me I could volunteer. Somehow our info fell through the cracks. I haven't figured any of it out, and I think we'll have to scratch polka for this competition. We're supposed to do our kids camp for a week starting tomorrow at 9am-noon, and 3 people just canceled, so now we have one student. That means $60 total for 15 hours of work, and both of us were planning on going... I didn't get the woman's message to me because my phone wasn't working right, so we weren't able to cancel it. So I don't know what's going to happen with that. Maybe we'll just do tomorrow. In other bad luck news, we have hot water again. The propane people just forgot to fill our tank. The stove isn't lighting back up though, so we have no stove. Oi. I don't want to be a downer and dwell on the bad luck stuff, but... really???

I've basically stopped answering my phone and doing other functional things like that. I again feel like the world is ending at the beginning of August, just like last year. It's hard to have motivation to hold it together when my near future is a total blank. I'm not throwing it all to the wind like last time though. I'm at least trying to keep my sanity, but I can't say there aren't things I'm happy to just run away from and never face again. Of course, that's not a reasonable tactic for anything in life, even if I am leaving very far away. Thankfully, there's less I want to run away from than before, but I've only been here for a year, so I guess I haven't had time to make as many mistakes as I made in Texas. I like to think that I'm just growing up, so I'm doing fewer stupid things and I'm dealing with the stupid things I do better so I don't just feel guilty for no reason. I usually feel like I need to run from things that I don't really need to run from.

Am I Emotional?

2011-06-26T05:05:00.001-04:00

Hmm. Well, the book I've been working through has been largely about reasons for faulty thinking, and I've recently come to the part that really focuses on emotions. I usually have little control over my emotions because I'm not aware of them. I have so many thoughts clouding the emotions that all I see are secondary and tertiary emotions (ex. feeling guilty for feeling scared). In the last year, I've really been exploring that, and I've become much more in tune with my emotions. I probably have more control, too. I still have trouble knowing what is healthy. For example, right now, I know I'm dealing with the life uncertainty well in that I'm not outwardly freaking out and crying all the time. In fact, I haven't cried at all. My thoughts to myself are "ok, this sucks, it's just bad luck, we've done this before, we'll figure it out, we can get through anything, it'll work out, maybe it's for the best, it is exciting." I do look on the bright side of it. I don't focus on the scariness. However, my body is not happy. I can't eat, I'm sleeping later and staying up later, I don't have motivation to do anything. I cleaned a little bit today and it was a big accomplishment. V actually spoon fed me fish to make sure I would eat something real. I'm itchy, I think I have rashes on my back. I've been playing tetris a lot, because it allows me to think. I'm bored of playing it, but I play it anyway, because I can't get myself to do much more. We've decided not to do worlds, though I guess we could change our minds, but our first competition of the year is in two weeks and we're so not ready. We never practice. I have no motivation. Now that I've decided against worlds, I have even less motivation.

So, my thoughts are mostly unusually healthy, but my body and actions are not. How can I change them then? My treatment is all about changing my thought patterns. What do I do?

Thoughts on Announcing

2011-06-23T04:38:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm tormented by this problem of moving. We don't have a definite plan, so I don't want to announce anything yet (other than here). It's like a secret. Thankfully, this is the kind of secret that I can actually leak, because it's safe and partially mine. I feel like lately all of my secrets have sucked a lot because they actually had to be secrets. I hate not talking. I like to say everything. It makes me feel honest and like it's the only way I can connect to people. It makes me feel like I'm doing everything I can to be understood. It makes me feel like people will be a lot more forgiving of my flaws when they know everything about me, because they'll see me as complete and worthy of love. It seems like more and more, I've had real secrets that I've been forced to keep, so I've gotten better at keeping them. I've also learned that this logic is faulty in general. No one can ever know me like I do. It doesn't do any good for people to know all the good and bad about me. They don't really care anyway. It's about the interaction. It's probably not even about my worth as a person. It's only about the interaction.

Faulty logic aside, I really want to tell everyone. I don't want to hide in my pain. I want to be able to express my emotions. I want people to know. Why should it be a secret? It's about V's being laid off. The situation has absolutely nothing to do with him or his teaching. He's just in a bad place at a bad time. It's just luck. Bad luck. So, it's my business to tell people that I'm moving, but it's not so much my business to tell people he was laid off. When I know where we're going, I can rightfully say that we're moving for his job. However, until we know where we're going and what kind of job he'll have, my only reason for leaving is the lay off, and then I have to tell that. See? So it's almost like the secret isn't mine yet.

There's also the aspect of announcements being official. I had just started saying that we for real were staying another year. There's no way I could have known that things would change. I wasn't wrong to decide and announce. But I hate being wrong about a situation. I hate having to turn around days later and say that my definite life plans have changed. It makes me feel flakey and like I'm just looking for attention. That makes me feel embarrassed and worthless. This is the unhealthy coping mechanism of "if I express emotions, particularly happiness, I can be easily humiliated". This is a thought pattern I want to break too.

So, I don't want to tell, because I feel like it's not fair for V. It's still his secret, not mine. I'm also torn about whether my faulty thoughts are encouraging or discouraging me from telling. I'm pretty sure they're doing both. What would a healthy person do? I hate secrets. But I like that I can tell this one here. I don't know when I'll announce it for real. And by "announce it for real", I, of course, mean putting it on facebook. I'm so disturbed by it, though. It is like I'm suffering. It's my job to hold our "household" together. The situation is harder on V, so I'm happy to be strong for him. I naturally deal well with stress in the short term... until I break out into rashes and completely shut down... then it takes me way longer to recover than it takes others. How can I avoid the currently inevitable shut down phase? How do normal people deal with stress? Maybe my grieving patterns are faulty too...

What To Do?

2011-06-22T02:01:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was possibly the most successful weekend of my dance career. I'm not sure if I'm more excited that I was asked to be staff or that everyone knew I was a pro just by seeing me dance. I got recognition, and I deserved it.

Yet now I have this feeling like I"m getting old. I've never felt old before. I feel like I'm wasting time. I see actresses on the Tonight Show on tv, and I feel that, as an artist, I'm passing my prime. I know that isn't true, because I'm still younger than most of the country and swing pros. But it's also probably true that I'm wasting time.

This weekend was great, but I don't know how far that recognition is going to take me. Am I going to be a pro in the swing world but not the country world? That doesn't make sense. Swing is my worst country dance. But I've already sort of debuted in the swing, though it's on a very small scale. Where am I going? When am I going to get there?

We've started telling some people that we're moving, though we haven't officially announced it or anything. I hate to say anything for sure, since I really just don't know. We're sure we're going somewhere... but we've also been sure of a lot of other things. Less than a week ago, we were sure that we were staying an extra year. So in a way I want or need to wait to announce, but at the same time, we probably won't know until a couple weeks before we leave. If we're going somewhere for sure, then I should announce it I guess... it really is time to start packing. We're moving in just over a month, and we're out of town for a lot of that time...

Oh, what to do. We're in trouble financially, so it seems like time to act, but I don't know where or when or what. I'm trying to book things here for the next couple of weeks, but that's as far ahead as I can plan. Last year, my calendar was completely booked up through August 1, then it was blank. That's about where we are again this year. Blank. Where will we be? Will we be eating? I've already lost weight again. I'm considering not going to worlds again this year, and not going to Dallas in November to compete. I already have some plane tickets, but they go to/from Hartford, so it's the wrong airport anyway.

Succeeding at Worlds this year has been the goal of the year. I'm not terribly happy with my progress. But is it right to keep that goal and make it happen, or is it right to be financially responsible and cancel our plans? My M.O. has been to take risks. Commit, then make it work somehow. I'm afraid that the adult thing to do this time is to put it off again. But does that mean I'm putting off my dream? I just don't know. Is Worlds a necessary sacrifice for my future dance career? Or is it irresponsible for me to go when I can't afford it? I can only get away with living at $0 for so long.

What is the right thing to do this time...

The Adventures Continue

2011-06-20T03:46:00.000-04:00

Well, it has happened again. Just when I was coming to terms with the plan to stay for one more year then move to New York! Again, we will not stay in this apartment for more than a year. We're moving to New York in two months...

We were out of town last weekend (in NYC/NJ actually) for four days, and when we got home on Tuesday night, there was a slip in the mail that a package was waiting for V at the post office. He wasn't expecting anything and the slip got lost in the apartment, what with all the packing and unpacking, so we didn't go pick it up right away. Friday morning while I was asleep, the mailpan came with a letter I had to sign for. I heard him asking my neighbor to sign for it, so I knew it was important and I forced myself out of bed (I can literally open the front door from my bed btw). So I signed for it, read it, and it was lots of technical speak that scared me a little bit because it suggested getting a lawyer before signing it. I get shaken very easily when half-asleep, so when the concerned thoughts bubbled up, I forced them down and went back to sleep. I put the letter out for V and didn't ask about it.

That afternoon on our way out of town again (to work at a dance event), we ran by the post office to mail a package, so V asked for his package. He thought it was his work contract. I assumed he had read the second letter that I had signed for that morning, so I trusted him. Was it his contract for next year? No. It was his letter that he's being laid off. What a great surprise for mod-June, 2 months before the school year starts!

After receiving the letter, we went home to look at the contract, but then we headed up to the dance event. It was a hard weekend. As if dance events aren't exhausting enough, this was our debut as event staff, doing our weakest dance btw. V didn't sleep the first night and I barely slept. I'm really good at dealing with situations like these- I better be by now, because these types of situations tend to be more common in my life than stability-so I did a good job of focusing on dancing and not worrying about it. I did break into a rash on my back within hours of learning the news though. Thankfully I think it went away, but it'll probably come back. V has been looking for jobs, and there are no professorships or adjunct positions for the fall.It's too late. So we're just going to move to New York- probably Long Island- and we'll figure it out. He found some jobs on craigslist at private schools, so he'll apply for those, and I'll get a job at a studio. I'll probably need to do something else too. We've had barely any time to get this plan together, but we also don't have time to waste. What should we have said to people at the competition interested in coming to our current town for lessons from us? Well, we couldn't say much of anything, but when we're 100% sure we're moving in August, we'll announce our leaving.

It's such a shame. Out of about 150 faculty and staff, they laid off 17 in April. V was told that his job was secure because he was necessary for the department. Then when enrollment was down at the end of May, they decided they needed to cut 7 more people- this time only based on seniority. V's boss wasn't consulted at all. The letter informing her was sent at the same time as V's. The school is combining departments, and faculty are forced to take on more classes. V and at least one other guy laid off were on a proposed grant, and his boss doesn't know how she'll do it without her team. It's a mess. And it's not fair. It's too late for faculty to get jobs elsewhere. To make it worse, the severance package is pathetic, and it has been suggested that he hire a lawyer to get a better package. With what money do we hire a lawyer? At least we already have a lawyer for our mess of a car accident that's continuing unresolved.

It happens. Life isn't fair. But, really? Really? I feel like I've done my part for humanity. I don't want to wish poor luck on others, but I feel like I've paid my dues. It's time that life lightens up on us and just leaves us alone for once!!! NO MORE DRAMA!!!!! The adventures continue...

To Join The Circus Or Not?

2011-06-08T04:14:00.000-04:00

Well, life goes on. V has been fishing a lot, but all the fish are being caught, so he said he's going to slow down with that. The lakes are stocked, so when they run out, there's no more. We're about to be traveling a lot in the new few months, and we need to be practicing more, since now we have the time, and our competitions are coming up. My body is healing very nicely, so it's time to get back what I lost. I have to keep focusing on my goals to get myself out of bed and moving.

We got to hang out with our Viennese waltz group the other day, and the teenagers are still interested in learning partner dancing. I might even get the guy to compete with me in July. WOW that would be fantastic. He's a circus guy, and if the circus thing, by any chance, didn't work out (even though it will), he could easily get a job as a professional ballet dancer. He's so talented. The girl is too. She's a dancer though- not circus too. Seeing some of the circus people perform the other day, I saw that is the world that I should have gotten into as a child. I would be so good. I'm not flexible, which is a problem. I never was. But I used to be all acrobatic. I thought I should have been a cheerleader or a gymnast, but that wasn't quite right. I should have been a circus performer. Oh well. It's never too late to learn, but it's going to be a lot harder now. I'm so weak, and I want to start so that I can build my upper body strength. That would be way more fun than lifting weights. Our oars broke, so I can't really get strong by rowing. We'll see. It's all a matter of money.

I'm letting go of the burlesque dream. It was a small dream, but there was always a thought that I'd get into that world in addition to country. Now, I've decided that burlesque is definitely more of a hobby for me. It helped me tremendously with my dancing and personally, but I don't have a future there. I don't want a future there. I decided not to use a stage name for Dr Sketchy's. I feel like I already have enough identity issues. I don't need to be complicating that more by adding new names to the mix. So, I want to go into this circus thing with the mindset of it being a hobby. I always go in 100% then get sad when it doesn't work out. I don't really want it to "work out" though. I don't want it to take me off my path. I've found my path now. I'm not searching. I'm now only searching for ways to get further down that path. I'm happy to be creative about that. But I'm not looking to change my path. I'm settling on this awesome dream for now. That should make life easier.

So after all of this wishy-washy looking for opportunities and jumping into them wholeheartedly, I think it's time to settle down. I don't need to be a crazy, late-blooming teenager anymore. It's time to settle more specifically on where I'm going. I think life is finally intervening to help me settle down, even if we have plans to move and change it all next year. I feel like my identity is re-forming, so I'm starting to have some constants. Thank goodness for finally growing up. I can deal with where my life is headed. I've found a way to grow up in a fun way. I mean, who starts circus arts at quarter-life to further their professional career?

Very Badly Shaken: A Story of Tornados and Vomit

2011-06-02T03:39:00.000-04:00

Today I was super excited about my last minute gig teaching for a conference in Massachusetts! And then... I wasn't.

Backstory: I saw my osteopath and started a new antibiotic at 1pm.

Plan: Leave at 4pm to be at the dance event at 5pm. Eat there, then teach class around 6 or 6:30pm.

Problem: Severe weather warnings all over the place. Severe weather warnings here, and severe weather and tornado warnings where we were going. "Please take immediate action to preserve life and property."

Story: Since the "warnings" were supposed to change to "watches" at 4pm, we decided to wait a little. I was scared about going at all, but I didn't have anyone's number to potentially cancel, and V thinks he's undefeatable, so we had to go. The storm didn't last too long here and it subsided, so we left.

We definitely drove through a little bit of storm. The rain was so hard we couldn't see anything except the lights of the car in front of us on the highway. And as we drove, I started to have progressively more trouble breathing. It could have been a panic attack about the weather situation, but I'm pretty good at controlling those. The only reasonable explanation was that the new medication was making me sick. I started feeling nauseated, but it felt a lot like the time I got really drunk and I thought I was going to throw up just because I couldn't breathe because I couldn't stop laughing. Then I started to feel worse and worse. I kept saying I felt sick and V would say "what do you want me to do about it?" and keep driving. When I started to shake, I knew I would either pass out of throw up but I wasn't sure which. I said "something's wrong... something's wrong..." a few times and then BLEEEEHHHHHHH. And I threw up all over myself. THEN V pulled over. When I was done. Thanks.

I actually did make the plan to throw up on myself, should I need to throw up, because there were no plastic bags and I knew I was the easiest thing to clean. Amazingly, I happened to wear a skort. Skort flaps are fantastic at collecting vomit. Anyway. This created a separate problem. I needed clean pants to teach in... and quickly.

So we found a little consignment shop, I went to the bathroom to clean up, and V went looking for some pants for me. I wasn't exactly clean, so I couldn't really try stuff on, and I have an impossible time finding pants that fit me, so I didn't really know what to do. I was about to try a skirt he'd brought me, then he yelled that he had something better. They were perfect!!!! Perfect jeans?! $10. Wow. Back on the road. Feeling much better.

The gig was awkward, but we're getting paid for it, so I guess it was fun enough. We were surprised by the lightening-struck tree that we saw on the way home, but when I turned on the radio, I learned how scary the storm really was. An hour after the big tornado crossed our highway, which was only one of at least 3 but probably many more in MA, we were 20 miles exactly north of where it hit. 4 people have been reported dead with at least 33 in hospitals and 5 undergoing surgery. Neighborhoods were wiped out. And this is completely unheard of in New England. Our town is too small to report what the conditions were like, but V saw hail on the ground. 45 miles northwest of us got baseball-sized hail. 15 miles east of us got golfball-sized hail. It hit everywhere around us hard.

Reflection: I love drama, and I watch the news stations when bad weather is hitting somewhere else, and it's exciting for me. This time, I've just been scared. And I feel lucky and feel like being more spiritual than usual. I almost feel like I got a second chance or something. Like I should have died. Except I didn't, so apparently I shouldn't have. Had we left on time and not needed to stop, we would have been extremely close to that one tornado. At the very least, the storm would have been way worse. There are so many ridiculous what-ifs in this situation, and it's pointless to really go over them, but I can't help but wonder how and why this all happened. To be this affected, you'd think I lost my house or something. I didn't. I'm safe and my stuff is safe. Even my car is safe. And I'm still really shaken. When I watch the destruction on tv all day tomorrow, I'll continue to be scared. I really feel like I'm still in danger. The best way I can describe it is that I'm very badly shaken. And glad I didn't follow-up on my plans to go to Boston tonight, where we would have driven with the storm the whole way. Scary and surreal. I think I'm ok. I hope. Maybe I'll feel better on the lake tomorrow.

Becoming Extraordinary

2011-05-30T03:38:00.000-04:00

I wrote is as part of a post on my other blog, but I felt it really belongs here:

Overall, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling more like an adult. Somehow, I'm starting to feel what that means. I think part of it is just getting bored with being obsessed with fun. It is starting to feel the need to be responsible. It's the desire and ability to integrate into society and to relate to people that are older than you. I think I'm getting closer to moving on and knowing that life doesn't have to end with the entrance into adulthood.

That said, I may be becoming a gear in the machine of society, but I will never be ordinary. I will be extraordinary.

Vermont Dance

2011-05-29T01:46:00.001-04:00

Well, tonight we went to the dance a little over an hour north of us. We got to meet basically all the other ballroom/swing/country instructors in the state with the exception of maybe a couple pros in Burlington and maybe a few salsa and Argentine instructors. Since they were all there, it was a shame that there weren't more students there... I'm not sure but we're under the impression that only one of them is a full time dance instructor. It's just impossible to make a living dancing anywhere in the whole state. The studio owner in Northampton doesn't even teach full time! It's his hobby! I don't want to keep making excuses for not being able to grow my business here, but I feel better knowing that it's not just me. I'm sure I could do a better job of advertising and be more responsible, because there's always room for improvement, but I'm doing everything right. Our students love our classes and they want to support us. People are genuinely interested. But that's not enough. That's ok. One more year, then NYC for sure. Or at least like 90% sure. That'll be a whole new adventure.

Tomorrow I'm going to the dance school's recital, then going to an all night contradance. I'm still exploring the area! It's a dance-filled weekend, so I should try to enjoy it. What we need to do is practice... but I'm glad to say that I've finally found my arm workout. Rowing! That's sort of like practice... right???

Happy but HOT

2011-05-28T04:03:00.000-04:00

Hello world!

I've been doing well. Strangely well, actually. V's done with school, so we're spending a lot of time together again, and we're getting along! You might think that's a given since we just got married less than a year ago and all, but it's not. Take a minute to consider what your life would be like if you spent all your time with your bf, including working together. I don't care how awesome your relationship is. It's tough. It's more tough for us because we prefer such different schedules, so we have such different habits. He's been fishing or gardening in the morning while I sleep, then I often stay up later than him. I've actually been sleeping a LOT, and I'm feeling better because of it. I've even been sleeping at night, even though it's late right now and I'm still up.

I started taking Zoloft and I think it's been helping, so even though I'm having fairly bad side effects, I think it's worth it for now to take the very minimum dosage. We'll see how that goes. I also feel like I have good direction in what I'm working on. I got a fantastic book that has changed everything for me. It has clarified so much. It's hard facing stuff, but it has been good. I'll continue with that. I've started playing Tetris again, which always helps me get in the zone and think about things. Sometimes that turns into ruminating which isn't so great, but I like that state of mind and I think it's good for me to access lately.

Most significantly, for the last few days, the only thing we've been able to think about is being SO HOT!!! Yes, for months it was so cold we couldn't possibly keep our place warm enough for comfort. I still have my space heater in the middle of the living room pointed at the couch where I sit. Then it was a record-breaking rainy spring in addition to still being colder than I like. For the last week, it's finally getting warm. HOT. Hotter than usual at this time of year. In the 80s. Today I saw 88 degrees. Now DON'T laugh. I know. It's like 100 in Texas. But here's the deal. No one has air conditioning up here!!! In our apartment, we've been so miserable. All we could do was lay down and spread out to create as much surface area as possible. I've been eating ice cream like crazy in hopes of cooling down. Miserable. Today, we couldn't decide on what to do. We were paralyzed in heat, then decided that we needed to go somewhere so that we could make a plan for the day. It was so hot inside we couldn't even make a plan! We've now opened all the windows and we set up our window fan, so we can deal with living. It's so crazy. Now I understand part of why no one dances in the summer. It's hotter inside than outside!!! UGH! Summer is just starting!!

Tomorrow we're going out on the lake in V's new inflatable boat. I haven't seen it yet, so I'm excited. Then we're going to take pretty pictures of me with the flowers :). We're done with our scheduled dance classes for the summer and now will just be doing privates and private groups. We're going north to dance tomorrow night and hope to meet (and impress!) lots of new people. On Sunday, we're going to a Dawn Dance where people contradance all night. I've never done contradance, so that'll be fun. I have some ballet friends performing tomorrow too. So it's an exciting Memorial Day weekend ahead! Tonight was kind of lame, but tomorrow will be GREAT! And hot...

Graduation

2011-05-15T12:33:00.000-04:00

I guess I'm doing a bit better. Life is already changing again, what with V being done with school for the semester. As if I ever knew what day it was, without him going to work M-F, now I really don't know. I feel like his schedule was enough structure for me to be semi-sane. Now I'm going to have to impose my own structure aren't I? Ugh I hate structure.

Yesterday was graduation. I went and it was pretty fun. When V was walking in with his awesome orange gown, I practically teared up. He didn't do his own graduation even though we wanted him to, so maybe I'll feel like this graduation will be closure for him. Like, yesterday we celebrated his first graduation as a professor! Actually they had one in December too, but I was in Texas, so it doesn't count.

Graduation is pretty special. I thought my own would be lame, then I was so moved. I'm still moved even when I don't know the students. It's like the first day of the rest of the graduates' lives. Graduation to me is a Precious Moments figuring that I have- it has a graduate holding a globe in the air and it's called "A World of Possibilities" or something like that. I'm pretty jaded about what college actually affords you, because it seems pretty mainstream now, and I have more unemployed college grad friends than high school grad friends. Though I'm sure there's merit, and I am glad I went. Regardless, graduation is truly symbolic. I feel like at your graduation, you don't have to have a plan. You don't need to have done anything with your life yet. All that matters is your dreams. It's a scary place, but it's the clean slate. It's like "ok, you did lots of hard work, now go be awesome". Everyone's a winner at graduation. Then it's either uphill or downhill from there.

I really just went for the free food though. It was good too. And V always likes me to get all dressed up because he likes showing me off to his students. Within my first 10 minutes there, I saw from across the room a "hey look it's Dr. P's wife!" but then I saw the kid so then we had to have an awkward "how are you? are you still dancing?" conversation across the room. I know that most of the reason they like me is because of my wife-of-their-professor status, not because I'm actually popular, but it's fun to be friends with the [nice] popular kids for once. And it's nice to be around people that aren't all totally old, even if I've built a life on despising popular kids.

This is Sadness

2011-05-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

Hm. I'm moved to write a little more. I spend so much time trying to make sense of my world and all the craziness that goes on in my head, and I've made tremendous leaps this year. I just made the biggest one. And it's funny, because I'm not happy about it at all. I've come across my constellation of "symptoms" in a story that's apparently not really unique at all. And unlike any other diagnoses I've gotten, this one doesn't make me feel more comfortable. I feel like I'm not in good company with this one. I didn't get the diagnosis really- it's just that I strongly have the traits. Even that is enough to make me uneasy.

I went on a self-help binge over the weekend, so much so that my computer broke. It was illuminating. I knew I'd stumbled across something when I started to find answers to the things that I was kind of too scared to face. And now I'm very sad. I'm obviously not sad because it shows me I'm crazy, because I already knew that, but I'm sad because the personality profile is dangerous. It's scary to see how much further it can go if I don't control it. I'm glad I have followed a path now that has taken me away from there. No, I'm not defined by that company, but I still have more in common with them than I'm comfortable with. I don't want to be able to relate to that. I don't want to only be understood by those kinds of people. They're people too- people that are suffering- but I don't want to be like that.

I'm so tired of researching it and so sad about it that I'm taking a break. I'm just not going there. Maybe that's a good thing, because that never happens to me. There are parts I can't stop thinking about though. My thoughts don't quite make sense to me yet. I don't understand what to take responsibility for. What to be ashamed of. What to apologise for. But I know it runs deeper than I had thought. I knew I had issues, but I thought I was in control. Now, I don't know anymore. Now I need help more than ever.

I'm in a good place to get better. And that's the extent of my thoughts right now. I'm sad. At least I know what I'm feeling this time. That's progress already.

A Woman of Few Words

2011-05-11T05:21:00.000-04:00

It doesn't happen often, but I don't have a lot to say. That's kind of news in itself. Things don't seem quite right. We're spending one more year here than leaving. School's almost over, so next week everything will change. Why have answers now? I just wish I didn't feel so uneasy. And that's about it.

I Feel Like Death

2011-05-06T06:54:00.001-04:00

I feel like death. I'm totally sick again. I've slept less in the last 3 nights than I do in one regular night. I wake up after 2 hours of sleep. Maybe because my nose is stuffy and I'm breathing worse so then I wake up more and my body realizes how in pain it is and that I should go to the bathroom. I've been drinking water like crazy, which I hear is always good when you're sick, but I've been drinking so much water that it keeps me awake!!! Not good! So again, I'm up. It's also weird to have so much sunlight again. In the winter it was literally dark at 3pm, then the sun would start to rise around 8am. Now, it's staying light until 8pm and the sun is starting to rise around 5am. It's 6:30am right now and fully bright. I've yet to get curtains, so it gets super bright in the bedroom and that's a problem anyway. My sleeping conditions are awful and we don't really have the money to fix them, but when I think about it, it's probably a better investment than all the treatment I'm having to get for being miserable all the time. And of course there's something to say about just being well. It's kind of important in life.

On days like this, I fully understand that many of my normal problems are, in fact, sleep related. For example my memory is embarrassing. It's always embarrassing. Then, today, I realized that as I was walking home, I couldn't remember what route I'd taken, and I'd only been walking for less than 10 minutes. I had no idea. No recollection of my journey. I thought hard about it, and then I was able to remember one snapshot of crossing a street, but that was it. When I first got diagnosed with sleep apnea, it was such a revelation. Everything made sense- why I'd gone to so many specialized doctors and they all told me I was healthy, not being able to drive, not being able to remember anything, etc. I worked hard to stay on my cpap regimen. Then I stopped using it. It's very inconvenient to clean here. But it's killing me again. Just owning it really doesn't do me any good. In fact, using it dirty is making me physically sick. For over a week at a time. It happened last month too. So I've GOT to focus on that. It really is so important and I forget how important it is. I think a lot of people blow off the importance of sleep. For me, it's much worse, because my natural quality of sleep is pathetic. I wake up like 10 times an hour without my cpap. I'm broken.

So, I haven't been able to sleep lately, just like last month. Luckily, today (Thursday) was the only day I had to be anywhere during the day this week. Also luckily, I had no one show up for my fitness class. Not making money sucks, but it wasn't really that inconvenient to be there, because I had to be downtown after that anyway. I don't know how I could have possibly gotten through doing/teaching that. Then I went to see my psychiatrist and she prescribed zoloft. I do really like her, but I don't know why I have a problem with therapists and psychiatrists. It probably has to do with that 3 stages of knowing me thing. I never feel like I'm heard by psychiatrists, but I think that's the nature of the situation. Then with therapists, I just can't get over that hump. It's similar. I like this one a lot. But we're stuck. I'm tempted to stop going, but I won't.

Anyway, then I came home and took a 2 hour nap before going back downtown to teach two step. It was the first class I'd taught by myself in a long time, and it went well. I actually had energy, though I'm not sure how. Maybe I was starting to get better then fed off of others' energy, but I wore myself out. That and having to walk for an hour and 30 minutes with a heavy backpack today. So, now I feel like death. AND my back hurts. Big surprise. But it hasn't hurt this bad in probably two months or more. Like most progress, two steps forward, one step back. Three and one when I'm lucky. We're not teaching this weekend, so I'll be able to take it easy with my back. I think I see the osteopath at the end of next week.

When exhaustion is more than my aching body can fight, I'll fall asleep and I'll sleep ALL DAY. I think I can pull that off today. I think I'm deprived enough that it'll work. V will be gone, and the sun smothers me and puts me to sleep anyway, just not in the morning when the sun is rising. I'm also burning up, and V is cold, so maybe my fever is breaking. Let's hope so.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Procrastination

2011-05-05T04:33:00.002-04:00

In all the self-help I do, I've never really spent much brain power on "procrastination". To me, procrastination seems so commonplace. At least for young people, I think people that don't procrastinate are the exception to the rule. I know older people do it too. So why would I call my big bundle of functionality issues procrastination issues? Well, they are procrastination issues. The difference is in severity and reason. I was doing a test tonight- like a real IRB-approved survey of procrastination that is/was used in a psychology study. It took about 20 minutes to do, so it was fairly extensive. What was my score? 100 out of 100 "master procrastinator". Seriously!? I got "perfect" score?! I'm not even sure how that's possible. But it's not a surprise.

How to get better? I looked up techniques to help myself, and lo and behold, I found answers in the teeny-tiny section about disorders that sometimes contribute to procrastination. The author made sure to specify that procrastinators in this group were exceptions to the procrastinator rule! The disorders listed were depression (me), irrational beliefs/anxiety (me), ADHD (not me, but everyone questions whether I am, so I'm not far!), and self-handicapping (which is sort of different that procrastination but similar. I don't really do this. Maybe a little. Not sure). The other nugget of totally obvious important truth was that for everyone, exhaustion is the number one reason to procrastinate. So basically, sleep disorders should fall in that category too.

This year I've focused on my energy by means of eating well, sleeping well, and doing strength training. Upping my energy should give me the power to not procrastinate. Sleep will ALWAYS be my weak link here. My entire life, I'll have to treat myself for this- using a treatment that I generally tend to not use even though I know I should. It's like when people don't take their medication because they don't think they need it. For me, I don't use my cpap because I don't have the energy to prepare it. Last week, I knew it was very dirty, but I used it anyway. I felt great for a day... and then I got physically sick. Just like what happened last month. No, I still haven't washed it. It's a complicated cycle...

I need a new angle. I did ok focusing on this for the first 1/3 of the year, but I need to try something else. Tomorrow, I'm probably starting Zoloft, so that should be easy help for mood and anxiety. It will NOT fix these things. But my hope is that it will help. I took Zoloft for a very long time, and it did help. I stopped because I didn't like the side effects and I really prefer to not be any more medicated than absolutely necessary. I hate medication. I don't take medication lightly. It happens to be expensive as well. But I think right now, it'll be better for my health to give it a try again. It's been something like 6 years since I last took it. Taking antidepressants the first time taught me what it was like to be a little more normal. It helped me to know where my destination was, and that was a powerful learning tool. My hope is that Zoloft will be a good tool again and that I won't have to stay on it for long in order to reap benefits. It'll also be good to test Zoloft again, because when, at some point in the distant future, I get pregnant, I'll need to switch to something like Zoloft.

My other angle is to examine specific irrational thoughts. I knew I needed to start on this somehow, but without having a specific topic to focus on, I didn't know where to begin. Focusing on procrastination will be PERFECT. Example: I don't make phone calls because I believe I'm awkward and will say something stupid and they'll judge me. I'll hang up and then beat myself up over it. The anxiety will be an overstimulation that I'm generally not ready to face. Who wants to have a panic attack? It's like having a mini-panic attack. So I avoid making phone calls, and that is a very bad thing for my businesses. I probably won't share the thoughts here, because I try not to be THAT personal (in detail), but I'm sure I'll update my progress.

New life plans of action for the 2nd 3rd of the year:
*Add Zoloft with psychiatrist.
*Examine irrational beliefs with therapist. Start with procrastination. Progress to anxiety manifesting in OCD.
*Find a sleep doctor to discuss my problems and other options.

I feel good to have direction!!!

Full 1/3 Year Resolution Review

2011-05-04T10:05:00.000-04:00

The time has come. How'd I do on my May 1 resolution goals for the year?
Here's my recap from what I wrote at the beginning of the year:
"Where I am now:
a. physically: 95 to 98 pounds, anemic, minimal arm strength, get tired easily, minor spinal problems, sleep enough but during the day
b. mentally/emotionally: avoidant, narcissistic, histrionic, obsessive compulsive, anxious, moody, unconfident, irresponsible, lonely, disorganized, scatterbrained
c. marriage: newlyweds, different family cultures
d. dance: small dance client base of intermediate dancers, minimal advertising, practicing in free time
e. Mary Kay: customers mostly in Texas, one active MK team member

May 1st goals:
a. physically: 100 pounds, shoulders not pop in west coast swing, full head mobility without pain, sleep enough and be awake in the early afternoon
b. mentally/emotionally: socialized and made friends in VT, feel peaceful, regularly functional, apartment is walkable
c. marriage: have greater understanding of strengths/weaknesses, still adhering to original communication plan, understand basic Vietnamese spoken slowly, spend quality time together everyday
d. dance: client base of all level dancers, competitive private students, wide and established advertising, feel comfortable teaching various group classes alone, practicing regularly, have all 6 dances together, competed in new circuit
e. Mary Kay: grow client base in VT, add a team member in VT, clean records"

So here's how I did! Here's where I am in May 2011:
a. Physically: Averaging just under 100, but I often see 100 on the scale now. I'm generally able to maintain it for a few days at a time, then it slips. Full head mobility, but I still have to be very careful and do have pain. Still being treated, but probably won't be for too much longer. Sleeping poorly, but I'm more in control of my sleep patterns than I have been. Arms strength has not improved. Overall, success. Grade: A-.
b. Mentally/emotionally: I've made some friends and don't feel like quite everyone is ancient, though most are here. I feel so so so much better overall emotionally, but I'm still all over the place enough that I'm planning to add Zoloft tomorrow. In the last few days, I feel like things have come together mentally. I'm finally removed from the chaos of the last few years, I've been able to examine the situations more objectively, and I'm feeling more at peace with my control over my environment and self. I'm feeling more confident and more like I might be able to be a functional adult someday. That day has not quite come yet, but I do feel like an adult now. Overall, interesting success mentally, moderate success emotionally (as if the two can really be separated, which they can't). Grade: A.
c: Marriage: We did not use the plan that I wanted to use. However, our marriage is stronger than ever. We are spending real time together. I don't understand Vietnamese yet, but I'm working on the Rosetta Stone, slowly but surely, and I do feel pretty comfortable with what I have learned. I recognize random words sometimes when his cousins facebook each other in Vietnamese. Overall, success. Grade: A+.
d: Dance: Our client base is still small, and we have no committed competitor students, though a few are considering it. I've been networking like crazy and getting on all the internet lists that I can find. It turns out that there are a lot. I feel more confident in my abilities, but I'm still intimidated by teaching classes by myself. I have not increased my ballroom knowledge. We are not practicing regularly, and we do not have our 6 dances together. We're not even close. Overall, limited success. Grade: C-.
e: Mary Kay: My records are pretty good, but not perfect. I have done little to grow my business up here, but I do have a few new customers and have gotten to know a recent beauty school graduate who is serious about being a consultant in the future. Overall, fail. Grade: F.

What does this tell me? I did a good job of focusing on me and my marriage. I did a poor job of focusing on my businesses. This is no surprise to me. I've had huge obstacles in business that I can't see overcoming here. I've, in fact, planned to make my time in Vermont a time of growth, both for me and for my businesses, but the best way to grow my businesses is to grow myself. I definitely need to be making money from them, but I have a hard deadline of how to deal with my progress. We plan to move in 2 years, so I have 2 years left to focus on me. After that, I won't be able to afford to do that. I will have to be grown by then (comfortable with myself and functional) so my professional career can take off. I want to continue to place a stronger emphasis on a, b, c, and only aspects of d for the rest of the year. The year is for growing as a person and as a dancer. These goals will directly lead to growth in the rest of d and e.

Here's to the next 4 months! Here's where I will be on September 1:
September 1st goals:
a. physically: 103 pounds, arm movements appear symmetrical, no spinal pain
b. mentally/emotionally: have friends in VT outside of activities, feel secure, improvement in ocd
c. marriage: using a communication plan, understand basic Vietnamese at a normal speed, speak minimal Vietnamese
d. dance: larger client base, hold some country western dances, have a few competitors, make stronger connections in NYC, practicing strenuously, finalize choreography, compete with 6 dances.
e. Mary Kay: maintain client bases, add an active team member, clean records

It's going to happen, and I even believe that when I say it!

Being Responsible One Day a Week

2011-05-04T06:07:00.000-04:00

Do you like how once a week, I decide that I'm going to be responsible for the day? I think that if I could be responsible 1/7 of my time, I would feel good about myself. Am I setting the bar too low? I do have trouble with this responsible-for-a-day thing.

My normal week:
Monday= the week's just starting, better take it easy. rest up from the weekend so you can teach Monday night; Tuesday= teaching last night was responsible. do I need to be anywhere today? thank goodness I don't. I love being self-employed; Wednesday= wow, the week is half over and I've accomplished nothing. I should probably get on that...; Thursday= well, I made it this far without doing anything. as long as I get something done tomorrow, the week won't be a total wash; Friday= dang it. I just woke up, it's 4pm, and everyone has either already gone home or is about to. I guess I'll just have to wait until Monday. but I'll do it for SURE on Monday!!!

How about time of day? This is what I do when I have no place to be:
12-3pm= snooze in 10-60 minute intervals; 4pm= ooh I should get up so I can watch Ellen. check emails. probably end up just facebooking and talking to sean; 5pm= I'm feeling kind of low. I should play some rock band to invigorate; 5:30pm= do the dishes; 6:30pm= V gets home. act like I've accomplished something for the day. go to my computer, open up work, and facebook instead; 8pm= watch tv, eat, waste time, or practice; 12:25pm= watch Jimmy Fallon's monologue, then start actually working. watch tv and actually accomplish things on my computer (website, advertising, emails, making fliers, etc). 4am= star trek comes on and I know it's time to go to bed. I don't like star trek anyway. 6am= actually start heading for bed, maybe. try to sleep, but usually have trouble (e.g. bad sleeping conditions like small pathetic excuse for a bed, super bright sunlight, V's waking up for work, I didn't clean my cpap and can't breathe).

You can imagine how needing to be someplace during the day is inconvenient. What am I supposed to do? Not sleep? Sheesh. Why does the world ask so much of me? It's like I'm always bending over backward to accommodate people and their "busy schedules".

I choose to be responsible tomorrow so that I don't feel so pathetic on Thursday.

The Black Swan Lifestyle

2011-05-03T05:16:00.000-04:00

I started thinking about the movie Black Swan again today. I know I commented on it briefly (and traumatically) right after I saw it. I expected to come back to it at some point and explore my feelings toward it further. The interesting thing is that now I'm slightly more ready to delve into that- and I still am speechless. Me? Speechless on paper? Lately I've been particularly long-winded and preachy on facebook when it probably wasn't even appropriate. Then when I want to review this movie, I can't. It's like I want to talk about how it relates to me, but it doesn't really relate to me. It IS me. But at the same time, it's not. I keep trying to choose my words carefully and none of them work. The best beauty about the movie, I think, is the... lack of concreteness about anything. Yes, there was a story line, but it was so wishy washy. I love that the vagueness made the emotions even rawer and truer. It's a "feeling" moving. I feel like "psychological thriller" is the wrong genre. I don't really think it's all that psychologically thrilling. It is, however, an "emotional terror". Lack of details of facts made room for more depth in emotions. I know that these emotions affected everyone, but it not too inconceivable that I would be thoroughly scarred by it more than normal people.

I think that when I went to college, I struggled with my decision to take a break from dancing, because it meant I'd be giving up my dream of being Odile (black swan). I was convinced that playing that full role (Odette/Odile) once in my life was all I would need to be complete. I ached inside when I thought of doing that role. I got creative with myself- how could I play this role when I otherwise had no desire to be a professional ballerina and when I knew I'd never be able to get cast in a full length ballet with a full company? I've kept that small amount of, basically, stupid hope. With life as it is now, who knows. I'd still really like to play it, but I don't think I need it anymore.

Why did I want it so badly? Why did the last act (Odile) in particular move me so much? It's not like Swan Lake used to terrify me like it does now after watching the movie. There was always that duality, but it never really meant much. I don't really know. I know it was something I felt, though- not something I ever cared to wonder why, which is weird because I've always trained myself to question my every thought. Was it nothing more than the theatrics at the height of the drama in the whole piece that happen to build up at Odile's best moments? Or was it really the power that Odile has? The reckless abandon because she's an evil creation with nothing to lose? I don't know. But I will tell you that I'm the perfect Odette. I'm only actually familiar with her choreography. I'm good at it. I am her perfect persona. I have been and especially then was that perfect, pure, successful, strong girl (and ballerina on and off stage). I was simultaneously tortured, fragile, confused, limited.

Last year, I broke free. I staged my transformation quite masterfully, really. I was aware of initiating the process, but that the journey continued so poetically is something I never could have planned. I guess that's the nature of the reckless abandon though. Can you believe I made it out alive? It took me further than I ever could have expected or even wanted. Little fragile me. I lived that movie and I came out with a good ending. I think that's why the ending was so terrifying for me though. I knew my story was still wrapping up. I was feeling it everyday, all day long. The pain in the movie was so poignant and so extreme that it really did feel to me like I had lost control in real life- like the emotions I was feeling right then in the theater were the ones that I was truly living and the ones that would stay with me forever. I hobbled out of the theater, shocked into some... existence that wasn't really any kind of existence at all. Overbearing in a way that I'm not sure normal people even feel. It was unique for me; a feeling I'll never forget; a feeling I'll probably always feel when I allow myself to go back to that place. Just on the verge of a panic attack now. And I'm no stranger to emotions.

The movie scares me because I know that place. I relate to the particular transformation of trying to become whole by unlocking everything I was so good at controlling. The fear of not knowing what's going to happen because you're seeing someone new emerge from you- someone you don't like, and someone who could ruin it all. I know what it feels like to not be sure whether you're slipping into psychosis or not anyway. I don't need help feeling those emotions, but it takes true artistry to be able to capture them in any kind of medium and be able to recreate those emotions in the audience.

I think that's why all the talk about the ballet drama is so stupid to me. Ballet girls are so touchy about it. To me, the ballet part of it was super real and accurate. But that's because I understand that the point of the movie was not to shine a light on the ballet world like a documentary or something. The movie was to take you into some psycho's brain. To take you someplace that you hopefully can relate to, but hopefully you haven't already been there! Hopefully this is an escape for you, not a lifestyle!!!

I am so glad that most normal people were able to see how remarkable the movie was.

In related news, someone told me I looked like Nina a few weeks ago. It's not the first time I've been told I look like Natalie Portman, but is this not totally weird? A little too weird? A little too true? This movie is a part of my poetic journey. I'm a different person for seeing it.

Yes, I did it, I sort of expressed my feelings toward the movie and me in words, and I was way more personal than I had intended to be. Yes, nothing good happens after midnight.

Less Successful Responsibities

2011-05-02T14:33:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I have responsible thoughts like "I should put this really important business card in a place where I'll be able to find it." The next thought is inevitably "... nah." And then I throw the card on the floor. ??? If any other thought crosses my mind, it's "I'll be able to find it. I always do". And usually I do. After much frustration and time spent looking. But not always. For example, there's a card I can't find right now. I need to add this guy to my newsletter list. I also have written a personal email to him that I've had saved in my drafts folder for a week. In fact, I chose to write his email over other, possibly more important emails, but that speaks to how importantly I need to find his email address. Somewhere is my mind, he seemed more important than other people that needed to be emailed. So... awesome. In looking for his card, I found two others. I'll get V to lift the couch tonight. I bet it's under there, I hope. I don't know if I've ever lifted it. We might find some things that have given me much grief.

I've been complaining about things on facebook lately. I'm not really sure why. I've actually been in a really good mood. I guess things have just happened to annoy me. Or maybe I just have the energy to complain. My sleeping is totally off, but it's kind of off on purpose, so I'll work to get that back on. I'm SO glad I don't have to be anywhere today until later tonight. I have a few days to get back to a normal schedule in fact. I should have sent out a newsletter yesterday and didn't, so I'm torn between writing it and sleeping... I'm pretty sure sending out the newsletter will do absolutely no good. It's hard to validate what "should" be done when I never see the rewards of my work. We had a fantastic time dancing this weekend, but teaching over the summer is going to be frustrating, I'm sure. People just don't dance during the summer. So this is uncharted territory (as if I've really charted much of anything yet. everything is constantly changing). I'd like to write more about dance later, and I need to review my May 1 resolution status. I'm too tired now. Should I send out a newsletter? It won't be good. I'm too tired. I think I'll just sit here using the very small portion of waking brain power I have to try to decide. I posted on the newspaper's facebook page. Maybe that'll do some good. Like 720 people "like" that page. We'll see! Good night.

Edit at 5am that night: I found the card! I almost wish I hadn't. Why do I always find it? Will I ever learn? It's good news though. Email sent.

Are You "Poor" or "Responsible"?

2011-04-30T05:28:00.000-04:00

I'm an hour past bedtime, but I'm a good girl and got ready for bed before falling asleep and stuff. I turned off my computer and everything, but then I decided that I was too moved to not blog, so I'm back briefly!

I was thinking about how life has changed since this time last year. This time last year was the situation of NO money. We had a comfortable apartment, but after bills, we were literally so close to 0 that it was a struggle to eat, and we had no stream of income. Thinking back, I did sort of train myself not to eat because I couldn't afford it. I won't act like I suffered financially until I graduated. My parents took good care of me. Then, being poor sucked, but it was still novel enough that I was ok dealing with it like it was a puzzle. Ex. how am I going to eat today? My experiences do lead me to disagree with homelessness:
Unemployed + responsible + intelligent + creative = comfortable, physically safe, very minimalist life, even if it's annoying.
Irresponsible + careless = homeless. Uncomfortable is much worse than annoying.
It's easy math.

This weekend, there's a big swing event in Hartford that I've been half-planning on going to for months. I was always hesitant to solidify anything because it's so expensive. Dance is expensive!! Paying to attend the country competitions that we're competing in is hard enough. It's much harder to justify paying to go to a swing event for fun. It is really important that we be there, though. We may not be actively involved in that circuit, but it's kind of the sibling to country. We do compete in and teach west coast. The event is only 1.5 hours from home and we need to network. So here's the best plan we've come up with: sleep late, drive down there tomorrow afternoon, pay $30 each to social dance starting at 9:30pm. After a few hours, V will go take a nap in the car and I'll continue dancing. Around 3am, V will drive us home.

Crazy, right? It's important for my career that we go. We still cannot afford to go like normal people for the weekend. We're still being ridiculous and creative in order to make it work. But a year ago, spending $75 to go to an event, however important, would have been out of the question. That's really exciting. We're in a situation now where money IS coming in, so we COULD pay to go for the full weekend and stay the nights. It would be dumb to do so, though. It's more important that I train myself to eat!!!

So I'm really happy with where we are. We're still having to be more frugal than I'd realistically like at this point in my life, but we also are just starting our careers, and we're being responsible. A year ago, I would get so annoyed that all my friends complained so much about not having money even though they were making way more than I was. I don't want to be that person that complains. I don't want to have the "I'm poor" mentality that nearly everyone has. I want to have the "I'm responsible" mentality. There's a really big difference between the two. They originate to serve the same purpose- to save money. When we say "I'm poor", we're trying to scare ourselves out of wasting money. When we say "I'm responsible", we're being pro-active about our future. We're ACTING, not HIDING. I AM poor, because the government tells me I am, but that's not my identity. The future is bright.

The Vermont Experience

2011-04-28T17:52:00.001-04:00

I would like to share with you what I've been paying for propane. I get multiple propane bills a month, none of which match up, and all of which have my name on them. Only one ever makes it online, so I've just been paying that one and so far I've been ok... but still I'm very confused by it. Anyway, propane does the majority, though not all of our heating. Here's proof of our brutal Vermont winter:

Due:
8/25- $137.94
9/30- $0
10/25- $0
11/25- $225.53
12/25- $357.99
1/25- $144.64
2/25- $183.87
3/25- $74.07 (electricity bill was huge)
4/25- $0 (electricity bill was slightly less the March but still huge)
????

Now, take into account that I was in Texas 11/19-1/8, and V was in Texas 12/14-1/8. When we returned on 1/8, our apartment was in the 40s and low 50s inside. ?!?!

Unbelievable. At least it's warm now!!!

Death By Heat

2011-04-28T06:27:00.002-04:00

So here's the kicker. I'm impossible to keep one's place warm in New England for 7 months of the year, but it's also impossible to keep it cool for the remaining 5 months! We don't have air conditioners! I felt this for the first time today since around the time we got here last year. Tonight I'm wearing a tank top and night pants, and I'm dying! I'm so hot! I'm sure my body has adjusted to the colder climates, but to give you an idea of my tolerance for heat, exactly a year ago in my apartment in Austin, I was keeping the thermostat at 80, because V wouldn't let me make it any warmer. I'm so hot right now!!!! Yesterday's high was 76 and the low was 58. WOW. That's definitely the warmest I've seen since August or maybe September. Today it's supposed to be 71 with thunderstorms. I think I won't go flier after all...

I also had to kill another spider yesterday. Thinking about spiders almost makes me wish it were 0 degrees again. Almost. We live in the freaking woods even though we're in a neighborhood. I really don't think I value my privacy so much that I'd prefer to be sandwiched between tons of trees. Such is life.

Why it's 6am and I still haven't gone to bed, I don't know. I do know that I steadily was getting work done, but I did almost nothing on my list. In fact, I did one of eight things on my list. That's a worst statistic than I expected. Tomorrow, list stuff must get done. My bf JT is going to be on Ellen in 3 hours, but I'm sure I'll miss that. It reruns at 4pm, but lately I've been losing signal for some reason... and tomorrow is my long day since V works late. Shoot, I have someone coming by at 2pm though... ok well I better get to bed!

I'll probably dream of scrambled Vietnamese sounds and funny letter marks. By my May 1 deadline, I resolve to feel very confident about my Level 1 of 4 on my Rosetta Stone software. If there are 4 software levels, does that mean that I know 1/16 of Vietnamese???

It's Going To Be a Good Day

2011-04-26T16:54:00.000-04:00

Yay! Did you miss me? I'm in high spirits today. Having no place to be always makes me feel more liberated. I have a lot to do, and all of it is at least a little creative and mentally stimulating in a good way, most of it is on paper, all of it needs to get done, but there's no hard deadline, and I actually want to do it, so I'm confident things will actually get done. Days like this are what I love about being self-employed. They're more rare than I feel like they should be- probably because most days include interacting with people in person and, you know, teaching them and stuff. But I enjoy planning days when I'm allowed to sit at home in my pjs in front of the my space heater, maybe watch some Family Feud and Ellen while I work, and still be proud that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. Sadly enough, the only thing that would make today better is if V were working late. Is that awful to say? I slept late today, which is awesome, but it also makes me day short today, because when V gets home, I can't get anything done. I like Thursdays because I get to work until 9pm and I get a lot done even when I do sleep in. Then I just keep him up later so I can spend time with him. I don't think he likes that much. What am I going to do over the summer, in a week and a half, when he's here playing Halo all day? God I hate Halo. I hate it. I hate listening to it, I hate how it takes over people's brains, I just hate being around it in any general sense. I guess we'll be practicing during the day anyway, so I'll have to work at night. That's going to be hard for me because it's going to encourage me to start staying up all night again... and I've JUST sort of fixed that!!! Ah life is change, and living means adapting. Good thing I have such a high tolerance for never knowing what the heck is going on.

Me, Myself, & I

2011-04-26T16:22:00.001-04:00

I've recently been thinking and discussing who I am to the world, but this time it's been enlightening and not just depression by means of brooding. I've been finding answers about the progression and fall-out of so many of my friendships. And here it goes:

There are three stages of knowing me. At the first stage, I'm seen as happy and confident. Outgoing, energetic, personable, sometimes it even looks like I have my stuff together. On one hand this is an act, because as you probably have learned, I'm not really all that confident, and I'm definitely not an extrovert. I'm very anxious about needing social power and needing to be liked, so I push myself extra hard to be likable. However, it has come to not be such an act. I really do enjoy being around people. I've gotten good at channeling my happiness because I genuinely do like people. I like being around them, and I especially like making their days a little brighter. In short bursts, I thrive on these interactions. In a lot of ways the line between my introversion and extroversion is fairly thin, though I definitely spend more time on the introversion side and am much more comfortable there. Not surprisingly, I wholly enjoy performing when performance is appropriate, and pulling out that happy me is a fulfilling act. The act makes me happy, and that's why it ends up being genuine and right. Stage one is a very small portion of who I am, but it is my face to most of the world.

And then there's stage two. For one reason or another, some people make it there quicker than others. Some, like some dance friends, never make it, and that's fitting. Most people that I continue to be around make it. Usually they see the additional me by accident because it's inevitable. My emotions tend to clinically (and often uncontrollably) fall way outside the norm in term of strength and cycle-time. I'm also good at retreating when my emotions get out of control now, so sometimes I consciously allow my closer acquaintances to see them when I deem my new friends ready (sometimes I'm wrong). The new me affects people in different ways. Sometimes they simply don't like the additional me that they see. I don't exactly hold back my beliefs. I think that often they get confused and feel like they've been duped. They think that I've actually been disgenuine. Or when they see the additional me and they see my darker side, it stands out more than it should, i.e., scary emotions are made scarier by the fact that they've previously only seen light ones. Fall-out at this stage is extremely high. It breaks my heart, but I'm starting to understand that it's inevitable and it's really not my fault. Researching creativity has revealed to me that contradictions like these are actually very common in gifted people. Maybe I should be flattered to have such strong proof that I belong in this category.

Sometimes people make it to stage three! For one reason or another, some people discover that I am, in fact, very harmless, just crazy. Most people in this stage empathize with and understand me in a very personal way. They're generally a lot like me, so they're able to see and appreciate my [generally] good intentions. Stage 3 is the core me, mostly because it's who I see when I look in the mirror. It's probably not surprising the think that I made it to my own stage 3 :). My preoccupation with watching myself in the mirror in public may be my unconscious way of bridging my self perception across the stages.

I know everyone has their friends in different stages, but I feel like my stages and progression are much more pronounced- especially stage two with the high percentage of fall-outs. I will say that recently and pretty much for the first time, I've had some friends blur stage 2. Maybe I'm getting less crazy or better at hiding my crazy, or maybe we're all growing up and becoming more mature.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading about me. Maybe you were reading about you too.

Additional New Blog!

2011-04-22T02:24:00.001-04:00

I decided that I really want and need to be tracking boring things like what I'm eating but that no one cares, so I started another blog! http://pinksunshinebrightly.blogspot.com/. We'll see how that works out. My intention is that I can dump the boring stuff in it, then I'll save the interesting stuff for this blog. See? I dump info there, then I tell stories here! That's the plan at least! And I added lots of new "gadgets" to this blog, too, which is kind of exciting. I might decide it's too busy, but for now, it's fun.

Approaching My First Resolution Deadline

2011-04-21T18:41:00.000-04:00

My psychiatrist told me to go see a nutritionist because I'm obviously not able to get healthy on my own. So when I went to my osteopath yesterday, I asked for a referral. He gave me a funny look- kind of a "you're an idiot" look, but I wasn't offended, and then he just told me what to eat. I think he might have looked at me like that because nutrition is part of his job title. How am I supposed to know what osteopaths do other than hold my head every month for 20 minutes and make little almost imperceivable figure eights and stuff with it. It's weird. I told him I didn't like meat, so he told me to be a vegetarian. I was like "??? ok." That's kind of what I do ("??? ok."). I got home and showed V my list and he told me I dislike pretty much every distinctly vegetarian thing on it. We went shopping at the co-op for the first time and I was super overwhelmed. I ended up deciding that I'm going to dislike meat substitutes much more than I dislike meat. I'm almost thinking that if I try vegetarian stuff, it'll disgust me into going back to meat. In fact, it was late and I needed to eat dinner, so what did I buy? Chicken salad. It was good too. But today I've been eating my new stuff- so far, that's just slightly healthier and more expensive versions of what I've always eaten. I do have a different mindset- a mindset like I might actually start preparing food for real instead of just being lazy and eating what's easy. I'm supposed to be a solid 100 lb by May 1st. And now I have to report to my slew of doctors about it. I'll make sure I get closer and hold it.

In fact, my first 1/3 of the year resolutions are due in 10 days. Let's see how it's going:
a. physically: not 100 lb, but getting closer. Generally 97-99. Minimal improvement in arm-strength/shoulder-stability. Full neck mobility, but I'm constantly having to go out of my way to avoid pain. Sleeping is very irregular, I don't use my cpap enough, I often feel neither asleep nor awake. I am, however, better able to be functional during the day.
b. mentally/emotionally: I've made friends and been networking. I feel more peaceful with more direction. I still struggle with functionality and keeping my apartment in order. I've been cycling super rapidly (bipolar), usually with extreme irritability.
c. marriage: much better, spending more quality time together, but not using a plan. slowly working on Vietnamese. I feel fairly comfortable understanding and speaking what I've studied, but my vocab is limited.
d. dancers: teach different levels of dancers, a few are interested in competing but none have committed. advertising and networking better, feeling a little more confident about my abilities. not practicing regularly, not ready for competition yet.
e. Mary May: have some customers here but still do more sales long distance. no new team members, but at least one customer that's very interested for the future. records are pretty good.

For the next 10 days:
1. Eat right! Clean and use cpap. Come up with an arm strengthening plan.
2. Keep cleaning and come up with anti-hoarding plan.
3. Vietnamese every day
4. Talk to prospective competitors
5. Talk to prospective hostesses and consultants. Get sales tickets in order.
(And blog some quality blogs)

Staying Above Water

2011-04-14T12:28:00.001-04:00

The dirtiness of my apartment depresses me. Usually it's a lot quicker to clean. I feel like I've been cleaning forever and am not making any headway. I probably haven't actually been cleaning all that much, but it does seem like it. The last week has seemed like forever, yet I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I'm not really sure what's going on. I've felt really awful, and I assumed it was allergies because it's finally becoming spring for real, and I was really depressed because allergy medicine was not making me feel all that much better, though it was helping. Last night I finally came to the realization that I've been sick. Actually sick. I'm so relieved! I never even considered it. It's kind of funny to say that. Looking back, I've definitely been sick for real. I'm feeling a lot better today and not totally dying. I'm sure I have allergies too though. I'm hoping cleaning the apartment will make me feel better too, because my body definitely doesn't like dust.

I've been so tired. So unbelievably tired. Before going to New York, I'd started sleeping really poorly again, then I didn't sleep there because I was so excited. Then I got home and was totally off and exhausted and excited and my body was confused. I started falling asleep at like 10:30pm and sleeping for like 12 hours. I'd get up, clean or whatever for a few hours, then be so tired I couldn't go on, so I'd take a long nap. When I sleep that much, I'm also not eating very much, and I noticed that I'm back at 95 pounds. Ugh! I'd gotten up to 100 and even held it for half a week or so! I've even been using my cpap some. It didn't help that on Friday night I had to stay up nearly all night to finish up taxes, then I taught, then danced, and was probably running on my lack of sleep, further encouraging another crash. So, yesterday, I had a little more energy, though I probably had a fever, I fell asleep at 10:30pm and I actually woke up around 6:30am and couldn't sleep anymore. I got up, ate, then went back to sleep for a little bit, but I didn't absolutely need it for the first time so that's good... but I've been up working for hours and I'm still going, so I'm seeing progress.

What have I actually been doing? Taxes for one, and that's done. We're performing this weekend with a group. It's the choreography we got in New York. It's been kind of a rocky ride and the woman in charge has been freaking out about everything and she calls me multiple times a day to tell me, so I feel like I'm spending all my emotional energy trying to console her. Nervous, anxious people are probably the one kind of people that I can't deal with. I already have enough anxiety in my life that I can't deal with other people worrying about things that I know are pointless. I keep telling her it'll be ok, and of course it is. But I've been doing stuff with her everyday for almost 2 weeks now. She's at least nice. I think I'm becoming another daughter of hers. Her bazillion children are grown and some are in New York, so I think she needs to feel motherly to just about everyone possible.

So that's what I've been up to in my time away from here. I've basically been struggling to keep my head above water, but preparing for the performance has given me purpose. One of my favorite things about competitive dancing is that I can practice and compete when I want to, but sometimes it's good to have a group forcing me to practice right now. And I've been able to meet and spend time with some people my age (mostly her children), and I've come to understand the ballet world in this area better. I'll probably start taking ballet classes or something, because I do need a little regular dance discipline that includes strength building. That's one thing I don't know how to force myself to do. I don't think I have the attention span to make it through a class though... I usually decide it's better to save that money and use it for private lessons too, so we'll see.

Emotionally, I feel like I've taken two steps forward and one step back, but since my body is so confused, I think that's to be expected a little bit. My psychiatrist told me to go see a dietitian. Yay, one more thing I can't afford. I'm hoping our kids camps this summer will be profitable. We have a lot going on this summer. It's weird to think that it's spring with summer approaching and it's still 33 degrees at night. I've finally gone back to using my Texas winter jacket. I'm going to wash my Vermont winter jacket and hide it in the back of the closet so I don't have to think about it again until the end of the year. I'm washing my million blankets right now and I want to hide those away too, but I'm not sure it's time for that yet. It's probably never time for that, really. I do love my snuggie quite a bit. I think it's a crime against snuggies to not use the arm holes.

What It Takes To Make It Big

2011-04-06T05:52:00.000-04:00

I'm at a strange connection point in my dance career. I'm not so new that I have no idea what I'm doing and am terrified and don't really believe I can do it. I'm not so established that I have a routine and a real name and am moving up in the dance world. I'm right there in the middle. I've jumped, past treading water, I've learned to swim with a certain level of competence. I'm not a swimmer, so I won't take that metaphor any further. I've embarked on my journey, I have an idea of where I'd like to go, I'm not quite sure how to get there, but I know I have what it takes. Well, when I say I know I have what it takes, I genuinely believe it for about 2 seconds. That's awesome! I think I'm allowed to still have a tiny bit of holdout, because being able to believe it for 2 whole seconds is actually a big deal. It means that I'm not begging myself to believe anymore. It means I believe and then I worry. The single ONLY thing the leads to success is the belief, not the lack of worry. Worrying is bad too. But without a fire, there's nothing for the worrying to put out. My heart has started believing it, and soon, or at least someday, my body will follow.

On my New York trip I learned a ton. There's a lot that I knew a little bit on principle but had never experienced so directly. There's a whole culture that I know nothing about. What I learned applies directly to my dance career, but all these principles are true of any situation, especially if you're attempting to break the mold and follow your dreams. Here's what I learned:
1. I am good enough. It might have been more poetic to save that until last, but it's the most important and I want to get the ball rolling. I feel like it's positive and fair to believe that everyone is good enough, but everyone can only be good enough in intention and luck. By that I mean that a loser is good enough because maybe they really do deserve it and can do it- they just haven't managed to cultivate what they need yet. And that's ok because when they keep trying, someday they'll be good enough. Another loser could just win the career lottery. Like that American Idol guy William Hung, who sang so bad he got famous. He's good enough. I guess. But not really. So what I mean is that I guess there's a certain level of competence that really does have to be reached in order to legitimately be "good enough" to reach your concrete goal, whether that's on your own standards or those of others. It's definitely a combination of the two. And I've made it. I've seen my competition and I can be highly competitive with the best. I don't have anything big to my name yet, but I'm completely ready. Our technique is good enough. We're skilled and talented enough. Now we just have to practice and get it together so we can look good and win. Our understanding of dance is far superior to the vast majority of dancers probably throughout the world. We're good at teaching and our students like us. Now we just need to get students to seriously train so that they can show everyone our work. (A dancer can't develop their talents without a supportive, knowledgeable teacher, and a good teacher can't show their full coaching abilities without a dedicated student).
2. Things only fall into place when your default answer to the world is "... ok!" How can I find that dedicated student that I need? Well, first I have to look. When I see even the smallest possibility, I have to give it a try. I can't say "no" to suggestions. I can't really just be "meh" either. I have to say "yes" to keep my heart open and options open. This willingness to do absolutely anything is what luck really is. To me, rain on your wedding day is bad luck. Hating your job is not bad luck. I'd be pretty pissed if it rained on my wedding day, but nothing important in live is ever the cause of good or bad luck. Every step you take is YOURS even if it's in the mud. Every step you take is progress even when you're lost, because it means you're looking. And when you look, you see things. When you see things, you can choose the ones you like!
3. Because I'm good enough and I'm seeing options/opportunities, I don't have to settle. There's a point in a career where it's a blessing to get the personal-slave job, like at a studio. Cleaning toilets means you're literally in the door and meeting people. There's also a point when cleaning toilets is a waste of your time. This is the point at which you could realistically be in a bigger, better place, meeting more important people than you'd meet in the bathroom. Knowing your value and sticking to it is important too. Drawing the line between "yes I'll give it a try" and "no because I saw a better option somewhere else" is fine and probably takes practice. "Yes I'll volunteer because it can be good for all involved" versus "no I can do a comparable amount of good in the world by collecting the fee I've earned the right to charge".
4. This one is much harder for some people to accept: Beauty sells. That really blows for some people, because being born as a 9 is going to make it naturally easier than being born a 1. But, thankfully, genetics are not the end of it. I've recently noticed that people in my town are not terribly attractive. Why? Inbreeding? Probably not. We just get lazy. There's less competition here, everything just happens a lot slower. I still wear make-up, but I don't take care of my skin like I used to. I know there's a reason to, but the standards of beauty are so much lower here than in a big city that basic make-up is enough to stand out. In fact, looking overly nice draws attention that you might not want here. Go to NYC and you have to look like something. You need the face, the clothes, everything. You HAVE to stand out in order to get attention and meet people and open up options. Making an effort to look more than just presentable makes all the difference. Plus, while your physical beauty is the first thing people will notice, your personality can instantly make you more attractive. Just smiling is the first thing. Look up, make eye contact, smile and be agreeable and positive. There are also downsides to being really attractive in general, so no one should get discouraged. Beauty makes you instantly more likable, but natural normalness encourages you to cultivate character and strength that'll take you a long way too. But if you have the legs and you get pulled over, can't find your registration, and accidentally pull out a bail receipt instead, ask to look in the trunk. Especially if you're wearing hot heals and a mini skirt. I experienced this last night. She didn't even really have to be nice or cry or anything. Could we all get off with only a warning with this tactic? Probably not. Would she have gotten away with it if she'd have been in pjs though? It's much less likely.

I have what it takes to make it. I've worked hard in many ways. Now I need to assemble those puzzle pieces. It still scares me, but I told you, I believe it earlier for 2 whole seconds after I said it. Now to eliminate the voice that's second guessing it all, and to get to work to keep the ball rolling, become more than good enough, and look for people to help me utilize my worth at every point in my growth as a dancer and businesswoman. It is still weird to call myself a business woman though. As a dancer, there's no question, so I'll keep focusing on that identity and let the rest follow!

Yes, Life Is Poetic

2011-04-03T05:55:00.000-04:00

The past couple of days have been a WHIRLWIND! Most notably, we got a call about being involved in a small event here in our town. There was a small budget, but it was mostly going to be a volunteer thing. I was hesitant to do it for free because we do SO MUCH for free. Not only does that mean we're not getting paid, it also means people start to take you for granted. The worst way to kill a career is by giving your services away. I know that from experience. So I was considering drawing the line this time. I didn't because it's a big confused mess and we didn't really talk money because I didn't really know what I was signing up for. Good thing. THEN, the woman in charge tells me that she and the other girl involved are taking a trip to NYC on Monday to get help from her daughter, who's a professional dancer, and she'd love for me to come. This was yesterday, Friday, by the way, over the phone before I'd even met her. So I was even more confused. Why were they using me, the pro, if she was taking a trip to get choreography from another pro..? Among other questions. So I was like ok. haha. That's kind of what I do. I say yes to random adventures. Well, it turns out that we're taking a fairly expensive train, so that's a big concern, BUT her daughter is, like, REALLY important!!! I couldn't have possibly dreamed up a better networking opportunity. I'm going to be meeting important dancers in NYC via a vacation with their mother. How's that for a back door entrance?

So, this woman's daughter has a modern company, which I've actually heard of, because one of the best dancers in my college classes is in her company. I remember when this friend wrote on facebook something like "I'm in a real company in NYC! I finally made it!!!" In addition to this daughter's company, she also teaches ballroom at a huge studio!!! It's so crazy. I've watched some videos online of her dancing, and she's definitely a performance dancer. I'd beat her in competition for sure. I'll be able to say much better on Tuesday, of course, but this is very significant because:

Let's reflect on my posts from the last, maybe two weeks. 1. We're probably moving to NYC in 2 years, 2. I want to be a choreographer. THAT'S what this girl is!!!! I want to go to NYC because I know the opportunity exists for me to be a choreographer in some capacity. I'm also scared to death that when I get there, I won't be good enough, and moving there will be a good educational experience but a bad business decision. But if I'm actually a better ballroom dancer than this super famous NYC dancer... then I AM good enough (in skill)!!! There's no doubt she's in a whole other playing field than me in ballet and modern, but I definitely rival her in ballroom on stage, and my technique is way better. So not only does this mean it CAN be done, it also means that I'm meeting the people that can help me do it. I need to make a plan! I need to find out how she has done it. And I need to become friends with her, and hopefully her mom will start taking my classes (it sounds like she wants to), because that'll give me even more credibility. We need to win worlds though.

WOW. The more I think about it, the more poetic it gets. Life really is poetic if you let it be.

Old People

2011-04-01T02:46:00.000-04:00

I cannot deal with old people. I've gotta get out of here.

Time's Ability to Heal

2011-03-31T04:57:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel more emo than makes me feel comfortable. Like, last night, I was laying in bed unable to sleep, but I was blogging in my head. I wanted to get up and get it on paper but I didn't for two reasons: 1. I really needed to be attempting to sleep, 2. When I'm that emo, no one really needs to know it. No one wants to hear it and I don't even want to put myself back in that place. I remember enough to recreate it without so much angst!

It's interesting to me what time does- what time heals and what it buries. I take myself back too frequently and emotionally to claim that time heals most, though more broken relationships have healed/mended that I ever expected. When they do, it's generally like magic to me. I think they continue to pain me until there's a specific, understood moment when I know we're ok. That's the only way to move on. But I'm pretty sure time has to work it's magic before even that's possible.

Then there are the things that time buries. I'm pretty sure that most of the things that fall into this category are me things. They're situations and problems that I can never mutually dismiss, because all I have is me. How can I magically forgive myself? It almost seems like that would be easier... but my guess is that it's harder for everyone.

Here's what I expect time to bury, so I actively fight the burial:
1. Dreams- I know better than to settle. Where's my direction in life without my dreams?
2. Youth- I could try to explain this one, but I'm so annoyed with old people lately that I'm not even going to start. At least for me right now, this seems pretty self-explanatory. What's my means of pursuing my dreams without my youth?
3. Memories- Forgetting my memories means losing myself. I find meaning in my past. I cling to my memories in case new ones never come. What's my identity without my past? Who am I at all without my memories?

I hold onto every memory I can. I think the ones that are hardest to remember are those that were replaced by other memories. For example, I was reading about addictions. They're complicated because some people just have addictive personalities. When you remove one addiction, you'll likely fill the void with another one. Or if one isn't satisfying you, another might come up to mask that one or just accompany it. The woman was talking about how suicidal thoughts were the worst thing to take up her energy. Drinking helped her to stay alive. Then bad relationships kept her out of rehab. Caffeine and sugar helped her level out. Internet helped with her cravings when she was actually getting better.

I like this a lot. I definitely have an addictive personality. If it's not one thing, it's another. They're all playing the same general role in my life, but they have unique memories and pieces of me attached to them. The issues layer, so specific memories and motivations get buried. On a side note, I just made jello (I know, I'm a culinary genius. I'm actually really proud of myself), ate some, and now I feel sick. 10 minutes later and I have an awful headache. Why did I HAVE to have jello? Why did I keep checking to see if it was ready? I feel like I need it even when it makes me sick. To me, that's the definition of an addiction.

Anyway, time seems to set the stage for change. Sometimes that change is bad, like forgetting, settling and losing your essence. Sometimes it allows for healing. How? Is that also because we forget? Because we can detach ourselves from our emotions and can finally reconnect? I think healing only happens for me when it's understood that it's much more important to both of us that we remember the good times, so we've prepared ourselves for freedom from the bad. It's also important that the other person feel the same way I do. I think this is why I have friends from the past that I'm cool with now, but I'd never trust them with anything. I don't even really feel comfortable calling them my friends, but with some level of mutual understanding, we can act like we're friends and even spend time together. The stronger the good memories, the more impetus there is for forgiveness in order to remember them. When memories are only meh, the make-up probably won't be as significant.

So if I want to remember my own good memories for myself, what will it take for me to prepare myself for freedom and forgive myself? Why do I hold myself to such high standards and continue being ashamed of even silly things I've done that I don't like? Will it just take more time? Or has time already done it's job and now I'll have to find whatever other key there may be that I'm missing? I almost feel like the healthy me is looking to make amends with the shameful, fearful me, but the shame and fear are keeping us from being on the same page. In that case, the shameful, fearful person inside me has to change. If that's a different me, how do I get there? Do I really have to go in and face everything? Change the memories? Aye aye aye. I have to change them, not just feel them... don't I? So who will I be then? Will getting rid of my bad open me up for new good memories that I'm incapable of taking on right now? Out with the old and in with the new. That's painful and incredible scary. Am I ready to risk changing my past and becoming a different person? If change starts as improvement, at what point has it gone too far? If there will ever be a time to try, this is it.

Taxes

2011-03-28T11:17:00.001-04:00

I would like to mention my tax adventures. As I've mentioned and probably naturally portray time and time again, I am... well... super disorganized. I am also really good at being a packrat. Therefore, I have most receipts for everything I've bought in the past year- pretty much just in waded up stacks, even though I made sure I was completely "organized" in May before the first move. All other receipts are lost in my bazillion gmails. The search function only helps so much. So basically, while it's entirely possible for me to pull this off every year, it's probably the hardest thing I do all year. You may think that I must have a really pathetic, easy life if that's the hardest thing I do all year. And you are wrong. I bet that you would not be able to do this. You would give up and pay more money than you need to. I feel like a sleuth. It's a huge, tedious logic puzzle. And it sucks.

Here's why taxes are always hard for me:
2 businesses
wads of receipts everywhere, some of which have ink that has totally rubbed off
daily car mileages written on little scraps of paper because I couldn't find my mileage notebook, so my mileage notebook has gaping holes. I have to go to my planner and figure out where I went each day (thank goodness I keep that clean), how many miles it took to get there, and where the heck I went in the 300 miles that I have unaccounted for
for everyday that we rent space for lessons, we get a receipt
all my dance students and many Mary Kay customers pay cash. I could just not claim any of it, but I'm a good American. bad records mean I don't know how many lessons I have left to give!
I'm bad at math. everything is in excel. by hand.

here's why taxes are especially sucky this year:
lots of random 1099MISC that I don't know what to do with. do I combine these? and I'm embarrassed to say that I accidentally lost one, so I had to call my former employer and have another one resent. I lost an entire pile of important papers, I think
filing jointly for the first time
filing in two states?
my llc is apparently lame right now. and I have to pay $100 to relocate. do I need this activated or whatever for taxes?
we got a free tax appointment (because we're poor), so that's pretty sweet. except for the fact that the only open appointments now are April 13 in a different town in the middle of the day... learn to hitch hike??
I've pulled many all nighters already (for example, it's 11am and I've been working for over 12 hours straight now) so I'm in really good shape now. but April 13th? cutting it a little close
our car got totaled, so we had two cars, one at a time, and we technically lived in 3 different places. that makes just about nothing easy for deductions. and it makes organization that much harder
closed two bank accounts and lost those online records
oh yeah and i changed my name so thatll probably screw with things too

too tired to think or move or be

Finding My Way Back Home

2011-03-26T02:53:00.001-04:00

There is one thing that I truly know about myself. Something that I feel inside of me so strongly and so genuinely that I know it's a permanent part of me. Most importantly and problematically, there is no me without it.

I am a creative person. I'm no good for math. I'm bad at spoken language. I'm not much good for being terribly functional at all, really, though I know this isn't something I can ever get around. I have a bad memory, trouble focusing, volatile emotions that both keep me in bed all day and scare my friends, anxiety that keeps me at home and paranoid. I can't remember where I put my phone 20 seconds after I put it down, even when I'm practicing "mindfulness". I have trouble keeping my dance patterns straight and never can remember their names. I have trouble remembering my best friends' names, for that matter. I spend more of my day looking for things than using them. When I interact with people, I have to make an effort to concentrate on being present at all. I have to perform in order to seem whole at all.

But when I lay down, I see things in my head. When I have no energy, thoughts float around aimlessly. When I have even a little spark of energy inside of me, those thoughts start to take form. It's hard to say if the thoughts are words or pictures or actions, but that little bit of energy is probably what urges those thoughts into a certain modality. Most commonly, I dance. This is just movement going on in my head. I can partner dance without a partner. Sometimes I even "solo" dance. Or I watch others dance. I don't really need music, but when I have music, I do brilliant improv in my head, worthy of capturing and repeating. I've found that when I'm particularly manic, I see pictures of clothing. Like, I'm a designer. And the clothes are awesome. Except that in reality, I have no idea what it's like to be a designer, fashion eludes me, and I never can hold onto these pictures for long enough to do anything with them. Unlike dancing in my head, I can't trigger these episodes at all. I don't know where the ideas come from. When I've been thinking really hard and productively, such as the night before tests in college, my dreams consist of numbers scrolling- like "The Matrix" code. It makes me extremely anxious, actually. When I'm driving a waverunner, I see patterns in the waves. They're meaningful. I feel like no one else can see them and only I can use them.

Every single of one of these episodes are hypnotic. When I allow them, I go to a different place, and I'm comfortable or at least extremely alive. When I don't allow them, suppressing them generally interferes with my functionality. This last point, I believe, is the only one on this topic that at all points toward psychosis, even though they're all psychotic tendencies. I'm extremely creative. The only way I'm going to be healthy and functional in life is going to be in a place where these hypnotic episodes are encouraged and necessary. I need to find a place to be paid to choreograph.

It's worth mentioning that when I was in elementary school, I did not want to be a professional dancer. I wanted to be a choreographer. I didn't know that I wanted to be a professional artist all until I met a choreographer, and in that week that I took her class at dance camp, I decided that was what I had to do. Before knowing what a "choreographer" was, I used to choreograph dances with my friends and perform them with them for family and on camera. And after I met her and listened to her description of her life, I decided, right then and there, that I was willing to give everything- mostly a cush lifestyle- in order to be an artist.

How amazing is it that I knew the essence of my being when I was 9? Why do we ignore and forget these things? I'm reformulating my direction in life on this. Choreographer is the goal. Front and center. That's what I NEED to do. And that's why I need to be in an art mecca like New York. And that's why I need to become a top competitive dancer. And that's why I need to practice!

New direction for the next two years: practice. Win worlds. Does this sound familiar to you?

Appall Me

2011-03-22T04:11:00.000-04:00

I think that the more appalling something is, the more I like it. My recent favorites are Howard Stern and the Animotion song "Obsession" (the band name Animotion is pretty amazing too). I'm not really sure what to call these things in this category. It's like, I love them. Or I'm obsessed with them. Or fixated on them. I don't know. But they make me feel giddy and happy. I guess I feel a little bit like a rebel for liking them so much. What's more, I think they just speak to me because they're odd and I feel odd. I like anything that's out of the norm, so the more ridiculous it is, the more thrilling it becomes.

Like, for these two: Howard Stern is so beautifully neurotic. I don't think I've ever called anyone neurotic before. He called himself neurotic when he was on Jimmy Fallon, so I didn't just make that up. But he proved himself so many times over. I don't listen or watch his shows or anything. I'm pretty sure I'm not terribly interested in most of the topics he chooses, but as a person, I adore him. He says all the wrong things. And he sounds a lot like me in this quote:

"I sort of admire Charlie Sheen's ability to say f*ck you to the world. It's a fascinating car wreck because, you know, how many people are in Hollywood dying for a hit television show? I don't know whether to give him a medal or to throw him in a loony bin. He doesn't care, and that's not me. Oh, I care! I care what my parents think, I care what you think, I care too much. In a way, I'm in as weird a place as Charlie Sheen. He doesn't care at all and I care too much. Where's the middle ground?"

I'd never actually say that- I just kind of like Charlie Sheen, I LOVE situational car wrecks, and I care too much. So it's pretty close.

And then for my song "Obsession". I only discovered it because of Rock Band 3. In fact, at first listen, I'm tempted to change it immediately because I tend to hate 80s songs. However, it came on in a playlist, so I ended up listening to it and wow. Love it:

"I will have you, yes I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you
Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly
I will collect you and capture you

You are an obsession, you're my obsession
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me
You are an obsession, you're my obsession
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me"

I don't think I really need to explain that one. It's just awesome.

Tonight's Fork in the Road

2011-03-20T00:59:00.000-04:00

Written Friday night:

What's the only thing worse than death when typing? The death of the computer you're typing on. UGH. I like to think of myself as a saver too. No, no. I just lost a brilliant post to some fluke spasm my computer made. I've, in fact, never seen it have the issue it just had when it killed my brilliancy and deleted it. Will you believe that my whole first paragraph was about how thoughts vanish if they don't make it to paper[/screen]? I have so many thoughts floating in my head that I want to give life to. Sometimes I'll think of a specific topic I know I was thinking about a lot months back. Surely I'd have written about it then right? Surprisingly, usually I didn't. Probably because I had so many thoughts on the topic that I couldn't even tackle them in any kind of semi-concise manner. I know the thoughts existed and were real because they influenced my situation when I had them. But now they're gone. These brilliant thoughts are like forks in the road. You can only go one way at a time. At some point, you may come to another similar fork, but it'll never be exactly the same. However, if you give life to those thoughts by eternalizing them on paper, you'll always be able to return. They'll probably sound really different when you do return, so you'll take a path at the fork that didn't even exist the first time. This is a good thing!

This is slightly off topic, but it reminds me of a quote I really liked in the Virgin Suicides. I tried to watch it again last night. It's totally my kind of movie, and yet I just can't make it through. I always get sidetracked. The neighborhood boys are reading the girl's journal (who committed suicide) and one boy narrating the movie says:
"and so we started to learn about their lives, coming to all the collective memories of time we hadn't experienced. we felt the imprisonment of being a girl and the way it made your mind active and dreamy and how you ended up knowing what colors went together. we knew the girls were really women in disguise- that they understood love and even death- and that our job was only to create the noise that seemed to fascinated them. we knew that they knew everything about us and that we couldn't fathom them at all."

We spent a few days in Boston over spring break and I have a lot to say about that. We stayed in Cambridge and the whole MIT and Harvard thing was a little much for me. At Harvard, I feel uncool, and at MIT, I feel stupid. I didn't talk to anyone that went to Harvard (other than some awkward exchanges with a professor at a magic show, who I seriously thought was a hobo until someone came up to compliment him and ask him how many books he'd written. the answer was over 20), but I felt extremely uncomfortable in the surrounding area. It's like the air is different. There's a very pretentious vibe. I have known some people that went to Harvard and they were super nice, but as a whole, I could never deal with that culture. It oozes old money and "I'm better than you". I'm not even sure why- I just felt very uncool. At MIT, I knew I was probably the dumbest one there. I also felt a little bit like I was hanging out in the IEEE office at UT. I didn't feel dumb there, but I definitely felt out of place. People at MIT weren't unfriendly (except for the cliquey lindy dancers at the dance we went to, but I'm sure that happens to good dancers in just about every college dance club), but I felt weird because they were so nerdy awkward. One guy tried to tell me a joke from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and even though I've read the book, I could barely understand his English, and I have no idea what the joke was. I contemplated what the reverse of "an illusion" was with a professor. It was just a very nerdy experience every time I went near there. In a way, it brought me back to when I only hung out with nerds, but I also know that I don't belong there either. As an aside, I learned at the dance that I am no longer an Asian-boy magnate. I'm an old-Asian-man magnate.

With all of this, there's a strong likelihood that we'll move to Boston in 2 years. I'm so relieved to finally have a medium-term plan. V will teach in a public school for 3 years, then we'll move back to Texas. We're planning to go to either Boston or NYC. I want NYC. I need that energy. V is very overwhelmed by it, and he would prefer Boston. There seem to be stronger reasons to live in Boston, but I feel like I'd always regret it if I didn't get some time in NYC. It's a once in a lifetime thing, and I don't want to blow it. So we'll keep exploring the two. We don't need to decide yet. Maybe I'll have settled down a little bit by then. I've spent much more time in NYC, and most of this Boston trip was rainy and cold and gross. Yesterday the weather got gorgeous, though, and I liked it a lot more. I felt 60 degrees for the first time since... Texas at the beginning of January. Wonderful!!! I dreaded coming home. Now that I'm back home, it's not so bad. It's much warmer here too now. I guess Vermont will keep growing on me, but I don't think I'll ever be happy here. It's too little and quite and lonely. Tomorrow is the big kick-off for Maple Season all over the state, so we'll probably go to one of those events. That is, if I can wake up tomorrow... I have a Mary Kay party tomorrow night that I'm a little nervous about, but I'm excited. I need to get a lot done tomorrow, and I'm still awake at 6am. Oi. Why. I am going to commit to the 3:30am bedtime again. Starting... Sunday night. I can do it.

My Story

2011-03-12T19:30:00.001-05:00

I've come across a theme today- that a good storyteller or business person, really anyone that cares much about communicating, needs to keep telling their story. They need everyone to be constantly reminded of who they are. I think we need to constantly be reminding ourselves too. Our story gives us purpose and direction and humanity, and it allows other to relate to us and see our true value. My sources: [I edited these after my first post bc it was too much]
1. Dancestudioowner.com newsletter: "Know why you get up every day and do what you do... Get crystal clear on why you're working as hard as you do and why you give so generously." Your story is the only thing that can tell you how you've gotten this far and do what you do. It re-cues you on where you want to go on every level. She references:
2. Chris Brogan's blog "The Story of You": He says we've told our stories so many times that we forget that everyone has not heard it. Our website visitors want to know about us. We obviously want them to know about us, otherwise we wouldn't have websites. He says the first time we watch "Seinfeld", we immediately know that Kramer's the idiot who's always barging in with crazy ideas. We have to keep finding new ways to tell the story of who we are. Every story has value. The storyteller wants to communicate that value clearly.
3. B.O.B's "Airplanes": "And back when I was rappin for the hell of it. But nowadays we rappin to stay relevant". I have a lot to say about this, but I'd rather just get to my own story, so just run with this lyric haha.

So after all that, what's relevant here, right now? What's my story that can help you know who I am and can help you examine yourself? How can a story help both of us grow? Beats me. That's a pretty daunting task. But let's start anew! Here's the life story of who I am right now. I hope it either encourages you to think or makes you laugh at me. Either one will work for me:

I'm a lifelong student of psychology and sociology. In middle and high school, I planned on being a clinical psychologist, so I studied mental disorders in my free time. Like, big time nerdy. I own the diagnostic manual. I aced the psychology AP exam without taking a class. Then working in an evolutionary/social psy lab fell in my lap, so I got way more interested in that- mostly mating, and we focused on women. I did half of an evolutionary psychology honors project before I decided that I absolutely did not want to go to grad school, so there was no reason to make my life miserable with statistical analysis. I'd already accomplished what I wanted to from that project. I decided that I'd rather by a professional dancer like I wanted to be in elementary school. I added a double major in sociology because I didn't want to graduate early, and then I changed my plans to go dance at Disneyworld so that I could stay in Texas until my now husband graduated. Upon my own graduation, I refused to join the workforce on someone else's terms. I started my own Mary Kay business, and when I was ready to be a competitive professional dancer, I started a dance business as well. I still have both business, and I focus on my dance business. I would like to open a studio at some point, but I am unsure about what my immediate goals are.

Even though I have self-esteem issues that manifest in a very strange way, I deem self-esteem to be one of the most important qualities to cultivate. Throughout my life, I've tended to follow the most difficult paths in the interest of self-growth and of self-preservation. It's no wonder I have such an unconventional life, what with the self employment, because I've tended to ignore what society says I'm supposed to do. This requires way more strength than I am yet capable of, and I have to keep reminding myself of how far I've come and how open the future can be when I continue to grow. Everyday is a struggle to stay on course, but for now it's still worth it. I have huge visions but know I can only take it a day at a time.

I spend quite a bit of my time ruminating. I continue to be amazed at how paths cross and re-cross. It seems random at times, but the patterns are often very elegant. Facebook is a sociological dream for allowing us to follow many of others' interactions. I don't believe in a certain god, but there's something semi-spiritual to that elegance of our connectedness. I'm recently very interested in the factors that draw us to the people we spend time with and care about, the factors that lead us on different paths, and, when we're lucky, the factors that draw us back together. I absolutely hate losing friends, even when I'm not terribly crazy about them. I hold onto memories to a fault. I pressure myself with guilt and shame over things in the past that the other people involved probably don't even remember or care about at all. I like to think that I only lose friends who don't deserve me anyway. I guess it's all up for interpretation.

Right now, I feel like all I have is my past and my distant future. The immediate and short-term future is a big cloud of nonexistence in my brain. There's just nothing there. There are ideas and none of them seem to mean much of anything. After relocating across the country, I do have a better idea of who I am and I feel slightly more responsible. I've embraced that I'm living some sort of adulthood now. I'm also living some sort of wifehood now. It means I go where my husband goes. I'm just hoping we go somewhere else and soon. I'm waiting to take roots in a place that I like.

How do I play the waiting game without wasting time?

My Boyfriends

2011-03-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

I'm one of those girls that celebrity crushes hard and my three favorites are Justin Timberlake, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Phillippe. Basically the three celebrities with that exact same curly blonde hair white boy look. When they're on tv or movies now, the world stops and I can't stop watching. When I was in middle school, I had Justin and Ryan pictures in my school binder, and I think I still have Justin posters in my room in SA. So is it weird that I've never dated anyone that looks even close to that and I married an Asian boy? In fact, I have a preoccupation with real Asian boys (as opposed to fake boys, or celebrities). Why is this? Maybe the curly blonde hair white boy look intimidates me because it reminds me of fake boys (celebrities). Whatever the reason, it kind of cracks me up.

That's it. My shortest entry ever. I just needed to let you know immediately. I told you. I crush hard.

I'm Bi-Winning

2011-03-08T03:29:00.000-05:00

Oh man. Best celebrity phrase EVER. The whole Charlie Sheen thing has been all over the news for the last couple of weeks, and it seems like the kind of thing I'd like to follow, but for some reason I didn't. I think I felt like he was so off that it wasn't really my business to watch. In a way, I have no feelings for the situation, so I wasn't interested in all that juicy craziness. It's not like those types of confusing actions and thoughts are foreign to me. And I take it just like I'd take anything someone did that I didn't understand and feel for myself. I accept that I'm not that person and that if I were, it's likely that I'd do the same thing. It's not my business to judge, since I'm not that person. There's no way that I can fathom the reality they're existing in.

I've been reading some psychology blogs and I came across some stuff about Charlie Sheen being bipolar, so I decided to research it a bit more and watch his interviews and stuff. He really does say some amazing things. "I'm on a drug called 'Charlie Sheen'"! I'm not judging, but I am laughing. That's funny. That's awesome. If only it were healthy. I really like an interview that Dr. Drew did talking about what he saw. The interviewer asked him if it was bizarre that Sheen is so preoccupied with repeating the word "winning". Dr. Drew said, "It is bizarre, but I would caution you to not use your healthy brain to make assessments on what's going on with him. This is not someone who's brain is working normally." That's the best way I've ever heard mental illness explained. All compassion should come from the same place of recognizing that you just don't know.

Moral of the story: When people are being really weird, don't judge them. Your judgments are almost certainly wrong. The only answer that is true in the real world is that they are crazy. That's it. Trying to figure out the situation will only hurt feelings- both yours and the crazy person's. Specifically for bipolar, someone that bi-wins will come back down. They'll need your support even more when they're normal than when they're "winning". The last thing they need to deal with is guilt over things they, 1. didn't have any control over, 2. miscommunicated, 3. are reminded of and don't even remember. I promise. Not everything done is admissible, but up until some point, even if you think it was a personal attack toward you or a bad opinion of you expressed in the heat of the moment, it probably wasn't. He was in his head, not the real world that you exist in. The misunderstanding will almost certainly plunge the bi-winner into a guilty depression and you'll have lost a friend over nothing. Just remember- it's only craziness. Feel lucky it's not yours.

Unless you're trying to help, just let me and Charlie Sheen bi-win. It's not about you. You're not always as important as you think :)

Purging My Facebook Just a Bit, But Not My Food!

2011-03-06T03:59:00.002-05:00

I like to think that I'm careful when I friend people on facebook and that I know at least almost all of my friends, but it has occurred to me that with like 650 friends, it has gotten a little out of control. I just need some spring cleaning. That's all. (V today: "It's warm outside!", me: "it's 37 degrees..." But it's worth pretending it's spring for cleaning's sake). I hate that fb still chooses whose stuff to show in my newsfeed even when I clear my settings, but there are some people that I decided I just have no desire to hear from. Especially since having businesses is all about networking, connections of any kind are good. Right? Well, I decided that's not entirely true. Friends must meet at least one of the following:
1. Are we actually friends?, 2. Do I want to talk to them?, 3. Do I care what they're doing?, 4. Are they at least entertaining or educational on my newsfeed?, 5. Do their successes make me happy? 6. Do their failures make me feel better about myself? 7. Could we collaborate professionally someday? 8. Do I need to have access to fb stalk them just in case? , 9. Do I want them to have access to fb stalk me just in case? 10. If I saw them on the street, would I recognize them AND say hi? 11. Is the chance of having an awkward meeting when we become real friends in the future very small?, 12. Will they probably never find out that I unfriended them and get upset?

I clicked on one of my facebook friends' profiles, trying to decide whether I should keep her as a friend or not because I don't really know her, and I saw that she had a blog. So I went to the blog. These are my thoughts: "Hanoi? She's a world traveler? Taipei? Pretty windows and doors? Vietnam? Boring." haha. I do realize how absurd this thought is. I probably couldn't have possibly stumbled across anything more exciting. I really dislike traveling, though, so maybe that's what it is. Or maybe I was just looking for something juicy this time and didn't appreciate finding something of quality. In case you're wondering, I kept her as a friend. She's just kind of on probation. I think her blog qualified her for meeting requirement #4 for now.

I would actually be interested in going to Vietnam someday. I should probably learn some more Vietnamese though. Or just never leave the coffee shop. We need to go visit V's family soon anyway. I guess they're my family too. Am I supposed to call them "family" or "V's family"? I know I'm supposed to call everyone the same names V calls them (like mom, but in Vietnamese). Here's what I can speak/understand/write "fluently":
The/those girl/girls/boy/boys/man/men/woman/women/kid/kids is/are eating/drinking water/drinking tea/drinking juice/drinking coffee/reading a book/writing a letter/swimming/running. Yes. No. Bus/bike/car/bread/door.

I think that's it. I should probably do some more Vietnamese tonight. I think Vietnamese trumps bedtime tonight. That's my executive decision not just impulse. I think. I do want to clarify that when I was talking about binging in my last post that I don't binge and purge. I always learned about the two as going together and both being bad words, so it's weird to admit that I really do binge. It doesn't seem as bad when I do it as it seems when I say the word in my mind. But I definitely don't purge. I never have and I never plan to. I just sometimes binge until I feel so physically sick I can't anymore. Then I'll take a break and return. I know that's almost equally as bad, but it's definitely not as bad for me, as least in my mind. My therapist knows and she doesn't consider it a separate diagnosis for me even though it is definitely a problem. Her first response was to see if I'm ADHD, which disorder every single mental health professional ever has explored and I'm totally not. I think we're attributing it to mood issues. So it's not healthy... but it's more secondary than an issue to be seriously concerned about. I just need to be healthier emotionally to be healthier physically in this case. But that doesn't mean there aren't things I can do.

When I was in college, one of my roommates was almost definitely bulimic and I never said anything about knowing because I didn't really know how, even though we talked about eating a lot because she was so preoccupied with it. I don't know that I talked about food so much back then, but I do think that I talked about food fairly healthily even though I didn't eat well. That was before I decided it was a real problem to only eat sugar, probably because I didn't stop to realize that I only ate sugar for the first time in my life. I didn't really have a lot of options in the dorm anyway. Beggars can't be choosers. It probably wasn't good for me to have her always saying how skinny I was though.

Did I mention that I'm seriously considering learning how to count Weight Watchers points? They seem to have the best, reasonably priced and easy to make food at the store. If they can help you lose weight, they should be able to help you be healthy in general and gain weight too. Right? I took their little assessment on their site and it says I should be 102-128 pounds. DANG. I'm happy to see 97!!! We're aiming for the low end anyway though, so I can do it. I said I'd be 100 lb by May 1st. I need to get going with this. I need to lift weights. I'll start eating non-sugary foods nonstop all day this week again. That'll keep me busy. I just weighed myself and I'm 99 YAY! How??? That's incredibly abnormal. But I'll do my best to keep it. I'll check in tomorrow!

The Finer Things in Life- like Avril Lavigne and Cookie Cakes

2011-03-04T04:42:00.000-05:00

You know who I love? Avril Lavigne. I heard her new song on the radio and was like "who is this?? this is a surprising nice song!" Like her other music, there's a simplicity to it, but it has such a creative little melody. Usually when I hear "simple songs" (I think for me that means there's not much going on in the background or really music at all other than some talking/screaming vocals and maybe a little bit of voice, which I learn when I try to karaoke her and some other "simple" music people like K$sha), it takes me a while to warm up to them, but I liked this one the first time I heard it. I guessed it was the ting tangs or whatever. How could I not know! I LOVE Avril Lavigne! I always have! I guess I just didn't expect anything from her since it's been so long since her last album. What I like about her is that she's so real. She writes all of her songs and they end up illuminating parts of growing up that generally get overlooked. She's at least a little emo. Naive. Raw and, most importantly for my reviews of all art, honest. She may have disappeared (apparently she was acting, designing clothes and fragrance, and giving away lots of money?), but she's returned to continue to grow up in front of us:
"All my life I've been good, But now. I'm thinking What The Hell. All I want is to mess around. And I don't really care about. If you love me. If you hate me. You can save me. Baby, baby. All my life I've been good, But now. Whoaaa... What The Hell" It doesn't matter what she sings about, it's so cute!!

Other recent art thoughts:
*Eyes Wide Shut = insanely terrifying. I saw it many years ago and didn't really understand it, so I tried again. I started in the middle of the night and had to stop half-way through, and that night, I had serious nightmares. I think the scariest thing is just that soundtrack music with the 3 notes over and over again. OMG. I remember seeing the preview commercial on tv when it came out, and that "song" is why I saw the movie. It's by far the most psychologically haunting theme song in the history of songs. And equally brilliant. In case I haven't made it clear, I'm a big fan of modern art, whether it be Pollock's paintings or John Cage's song of silence. Interestingly enough, I'm a little less open to modern dance, though. A lot of modern is cool. Interpretive dance never is.
*I finally bought Rock Band!!! First challenge: ace "Foreplay/Longtime". I need to play that song, especially on the drums, so badly it hurts. Then I'm going to get the add on pro-cymbals, so I'll have to relearn the Rock Band 3 songs on pro drums!! I can't WAIT!!! When I hear any Rock Band or Dance Central song, all I can think about and do is those games in my head, fingers, body, whatever it takes, because I get so dang excited.
*I'm lame and am still reading the Portia de Rossi book. I really enjoy it, I just don't sit down and read a whole bunch. I think it's more habit than ability now, but I have a history of falling asleep whenever I try to read (because of my sleep problems), so I just don't do it a whole bunch.

I just took a break from writing this and now I'm too tired to finish my art thoughts, so I'll finish with thoughts of cookies and cakes in their super sweet goodness, because those are the thoughts I'm never too tired to have. I think I'm going to buy a ton of that stuff for our workshop on Saturday. No one will eat them, so then I'll get to eat them all by myself. I'll binge for at least a week, but it's ok because it's my birthday week. I'll ruin my physical and mental health but at least the thought of it will be worth it because I'll be eating cookie cake all day. Last time, the cookie cake made me so sick I almost threw it out early (and, yes, almost threw up multiple times). But I'm a trooper. And until I actually become an adult, holidays are still meant for binging. I think that right now it's healthier for me to occasionally binge than to always binge. I'm doing well with my everyday meals, so that's progress. I should get back to the Portia de Rossi book...

Oh yeah, and it's March 4 and 2 degrees outside. seriously??? At this rate, I better get a white birthday next week.

My Body is Broken and My Chi is Confused

2011-03-02T18:03:00.004-05:00

Well, I've been tired and sleeping funny, and thus I have not been productive at all. I know it's only Wednesday, but I feel like this week is shot. But here's my plan: go to bed earlier tonight (that's not hard because I've been staying up all night, I just have to do it, but I'm tired so hopefully I'll be productive practicing tonight and then can sleep after that), work Thursday after my doc appt, work Friday. Quickstep workshop Saturday. Work Monday, Tuesday including a networking meeting thing, OFF Wednesday bc it's my birthday!!! Thursday we'll see, work Friday. Then... SPRING BREAK! Which I have not worked out AT ALL. I'm totally bummed that we have no place to stay in NYC anymore, and couchsurfing isn't bringing any leads. We think we've found a new dance friend to stay with in Boston but have yet to set that yet. The day we were supposed to do our dance lessons in RI, apparently we have to be home bc V spent a month regularly entering us into the HGTV dream-house drawing. This is slightly frustrating for me, because now I have to change our and our coach's plans for something we won't even get, BUT he did spend all that time and effort entering, so we do have to be home JUST IN CASE we win and get ambushed at home that day. So I don't know.

I went again today to see my osteopath, who does really weird stuff to help my whole spine because pretty much everything on my is broken apparently. I'm definitely feeling changes, but especially my neck is still KILLING me. When I left I felt so great! I came home, ate some cereal before going back to bed (it was early...), and guess what happened when I lifted a gallon of milk (it wasn't even full!). Instant neck pain. I basically undid everything the doctor had just done, 20 minutes after I left. I'm so frustrated! Am I that delicate, is the injury that bad, is the treatment that gentle? Probably all of the above. But I don't know how I'm going to treat this. My back is still not healed and it's been a year, though it's way better and I can definitely deal with it, but my whiplash thing is BAD. I don't really know what to do. Maybe I need to try physical therapy instead. It's so frustrating.

The other night, I had a breakthrough on the topic of energy. I kept V awake late asking him questions about chi and I was surprised that he actually stayed up because usually he's lame and is like I have to sleep wah wah wah (this is one adult mindset that I've yet to figure out- the whole go to bed early just because you know you have to wake up early thing). I'll write more about that later, because I am still getting my thoughts together on that.

We still haven't been dancing as much as we need to be, and I'm just not exercising as much either. I think I'm going to ask for the kinect video game that has the tai chi and the classes to do with little weights. As you know, I'm supposed to be doing weight junk. After my freshman year in college, I asked my dance teacher what was the one thing I needed to focus on over the summer to become a better dancer, and she said do tai chi. That frustrated me a little bit... I'm not opposed to it in any way, but I was not really willing or able to begin a completely new discipline at that point. Now that I have a much better understanding and some experience of Asian chi stuff, and I have more time and resources to explore that, I think it's time. Qigong is probably what I need to be doing. I've always loved Kundalini yoga, which seems to be similar. I've been wanting to get back into that, though Qigong would probably be better. Tai chi is a nice start too, but I feel like that one is a little more secondary to my needs right now. I need to be more aware of my chi and be able to use it freely. I need to get more and gain control. I know I said I have more resources now... but I guess that isn't exactly true because there isn't much of either of those things around here... other yogas definitely won't do- not for my purposes- so I don't know. I guess I'll get that tai chi video game and maybe I'll learn something. Maybe I won't, but that's accessible. Even if I don't get very far on chi, it'll at least be good for me.

That's it for now. I need to do more research and figure out how I'm going to do this. Oh yeah and lift dang weights and practice more...

Bipolar...

2011-03-01T03:31:00.000-05:00

Shoot! It's been a week since I blogged last! I get annoyed in my head that I have nothing appearing in my blog-reader-whatever because my friends aren't blogging, but... I'm not either. My last week has been very rough actually. I changed my medication, which was a mistake. I'm leveling back out. I think. As level as I ever am, that is.

After writing that first paragraph, I stopped, unsure of which tangent to take tonight, then I forgot what the options could be, so I went along on my merry little way with this text box open. It wasn't until the end of my second Grey's Anatomy episode that I realized I'm at that place. That same moody place where I always return to. Tons of women watch multiple gushy tv dramas in the middle of the night. But the place where I'm at when I can't turn it off regardless of how late it is is not a place that I need to be. It's not terribly healthy, but it's definitely a jumping off point. Like a gate-way drug. A drug that I should avoid.

There's a point when a change happens- I'm watching, I'm enjoying the drama, then the sinking feeling comes that nothing matters. That it's ok to throw it all away because it doesn't really matter anyway. Throwing it away inevitably starts with staying up all night wasting time like watching tv being moody. It's been a little bit since I've felt that. But what did I do tonight? I started another episode.

Yay. Manic episode for the last two nights. Depressive one tonight. Yayyyyyy. I guess I'm not back to "normal" even for me, just my "normal crazy". It's comfortable. I re-found functionality in the last couple of days after my medication problems, but I think it's slipping again.

What happens tomorrow? Probably nothing. Yay.

Snow Day Misadventure

2011-02-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

Written Monday night:
Well, lately I barely been getting internet at all. I'll usually get it for a bit in the early evening, but it's unreliable and I can barely ever use netflix on the xbox. When I'm not wasting tons of time online, I'm less likely to gather my thoughts together into a coherent blog. But you know how it is- when you can't live without internet and you finally get it back, you end up a deer in the headlights. I have made a list of internet things to do, so maybe I can be productive some tomorrow. I have a doctors (osteopathy) appointment at 9am BLEH which is 7.5 hours away. Great that this is one of the few nights I stay up late. I am excited about my appointment though because...

I hurt myself :(. Bad. The sledding conditions right now are scary and I was just brazen enough to think I was ready for the BIG hill! No. No no no. The first time down, I was so scared! I did not expect to 1) go that fast, 2) go backward the whole time, 3) end up on the side of the hill! I thought steering was going to be like water tubing (I was on a tube). No. No no no. When I tried to steer, I went further off the path! So I was like ok I've gotta try this one more time (plus the pictures the first time were no good because I ended up so far from where I started). Second try: worse than the first! Off to a good start, then as I approach the dad videotaping his daughter on the middle of the hill, what happens? I head straight for them. It's like a "I'll just miss them, no I'll hit them, yes, no, yes, no, yes, YES" Dad jumps to the side. On ice. And falls over sideways. With his camera. Like splat. I'm like "sorry!!!" as I RACE away. At this point I had embraced that I had no control over where I was going and I might as well just let it happen. All the way into the little ice mountains at the bottom side of the hill. At which point I 1) punctured the tube that I borrowed from my neighbor (without asking...), 2) ricochetted off of too many and seriously hurt my tailbone :(. It was so bad I was afraid to jump off the tube! Until I started approaching a woman sitting with her daughter, so I had to bail. V, taking random pictures because I was too fast and far for him to see, managed to capture 1) my sideways, splat moment, 2) a nice butt shot as I struggled to peal myself off the ice.

So I hurt. A lot. I couldn't sleep last night because when I did fall asleep, I'd just wake up to pain. There's nothing I can do to make it hurt less, though it is already getting a BIT better. As in, it's not nearly-excrutiating pain 24/7. It just hurts like 20/7. I did find that dancing east coast today tended to make it feel a bit better, but samba made it much worse. East coast > sleeping. I've always had a bad tailbone and I have to be careful even with easy things, but I'm in trouble now. At least I'm seeing the osteopath tomorrow. My tailbone is one of the things he's supposed to look at anyway. I do like this whole visit some doctor like every other week thing. Co-pays suck, but inevitably I'll have 4 new pressing issues by the next time I go. Pretty much exactly a year ago, I had my first adult dance injury, which I'm still getting over. Now I have another serious one.

I'm done taking risks. In the past almost year, I've started thinking like "I've never done anything risky in my whole life, I should just do some stupid stuff because everyone does lots of stupid stuff when they're young without bad consequences". Not so for me. Lesson learned, I'm done acting stupid- this time stealing tubes from the front yard and playing on ice mountains. Back to boring, safe me.

I bought a new tube on ebay today to replace the broken one with. Maybe my neighbor- I don't even know whose it is- will never know... but I'll remember for sure. Ugh.

The Morning After

2011-02-17T12:51:00.000-05:00

The morning after my resolution review!!! I feel lazy. It's 12:30pm and I've accomplished nothing. Now in the big scheme of things, other than maybe a few weeks of my life, this would be normal and good and expected. But lately I've been waking up early and I'd have already done stuff by now. I was being very productive. I feel like I'm lazy because last night in my review, I felt so good about myself, like I deserve a break. Usually resolutions just fall apart. Granted it's only mid February, but still, I can't believe the progress I've made. I've stayed on track in general. I made a lot of resolutions, so I don't expect it all to end perfectly. That's not the point. The point is to become better and more whole and the more I can do to accomplish that, the better. I've been working on it pretty well-roundedly, so that's good.

So today, I feel like I've won and I deserve time off. Time off of life. I know it doesn't work that way. I've taken my breaks lately. I can't afford for today to be another holiday. V doesn't get home until late tonight so I have plenty of time to still put in a "full day" of work. I guess I need to decide that it's ok to go back to sleep for a bit longer (I'm really tired), but when I get up, I will shake this winning-feeling and not be lazy. I missed a business phone call this morning half on purpose which isn't terribly responsible of me. I need to do some research before answering her, so I'm glad I'm able to do that. I know I should call her now, but then I definitely won't be able to go back to sleep and then I'll be a zombie all day. I feel guilty. I'll call her back later though. Cpap now.

Full Resolution Review

2011-02-17T03:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I got a new psychiatrist today and she's the coolest ever. Our clinic here is famous for a reason. It rocks. And I only occasionally get scared inside. We're looking into epilepsy just to make sure I'm cool there. I spent time researching narcolepsy and epilepsy today and I'm pretty sure we're going to stick with narcolepsy. At least most of both can be tested scientifically. Pretty much. Narcolepsy I'm pretty much diagnosed with anyway. Pretty much. My medication would take care of either though. So we'll just make sure. Epilepsy would suck. We talked about narcissism and she thinks that it's an issue but not really a full personality disorder, which I'm inclined to agree with. As you know, for a bit I thought it was clinical and maybe it was, but I've already been helping myself with great success. Usually personality disorders don't go away so easily. So whatever, we're working on that with everything else in therapy. I'm feeling really good about it all. We've been trying to make more long-term plans lately, and given such uncertainty, I'm a little lost on what my 5 year plan is. I'm pretty sure for the next couple of years, it's going to be about me getting better, particularly with OCD, which I can't even imagine life without (or at least with less). And our health insurance is so good here that we have the resources too, though it definitely costs money. For my (and his) well-being, it's important that I get better.

Review of current resolution successes:
1. physical
good- anemia under control and currently barely gone, sleep has improved in the last week or so bc I'm sleeping at night, using my cpap a few times a week, and have some kind of regular routine
bad- haven't gained muscle or weight
2. mental/emotional
good- feel peaceful and more centered, making good progress on all mental health issues, making dance friends, reading self-help books some, blogging, doing my homework and tracking progress
bad- still no friends outside of dance settings, feeling lonely and trapped again
3. marriage
good- got some great books that we've barely used so far and they've already helped us make tremendous break-throughs, thing are better than ever, spending quality time together, making Vietnamese progress
bad- not working on Rosetta Stone as often as I'd like, have stopped regularly going through the new books together
4. dance
good- getting coaching, establishing ourselves as good dancers in our general area like within an hour from us, and gaining credibility, advertising far in advance
bad- not practicing enough, not getting as many students as we would like, no competitive students, not yet taking advantage of all avenues of advertising
5. Mary Kay
good- receiving and placing reorders, staying on top of company deadlines and new products
bad- no active advertising, no new team members

I'll be 25 in a little less than a month and I feel a little bit like I'm wasting time in my life, like I should be further along and have more solid plans in things like saving money. If I knew it's enough of an investment to focus everything on becoming a stronger, healthier person right now, I'd feel better. 25 isn't old but it's definitely time to be serious about adulthood. I'll keep doing what I'm doing for now because I am actually making more progress than I ever have and I know this is important. I hope everything else can wait because it's going to have to.

Planning My Responsible Day

2011-02-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

Ok I'm accomplishing something today for sure. I'm so behind so hold me accountable on what I'm still going to accomplish today:
call health insurance, go back to walmart, call hospital about medical bills, do vietnamese, dishes, wash cpap, prep packages to be sent. I estimate I'll have maybe an hour to rest and eat before practice. or maybe I'll rest first and procrastinate like that... because I again didn't sleep great. My new routine is to fall asleep for half the night on the couch then finish the night in bed. I need to make cpap a regular thing again. and I haven't been lifting weights, so I need to get into that too tomorrow. When I get caught up on all this, them I can go back to focusing on business tomorrow.
That's it for now. I'll let you know later when I've done all I said I'd do! I'm doing it all for once.

A Valentines Snapshot

2011-02-15T10:09:00.002-05:00

I just went to the bathroom to wash my hands and had a whole surreal mirror session. I look at myself in the mirror a lot. But this time I was looking in the mirror as a wife on Valentines Day! It was much more poetic than I'm able to make it sound right now. I stopped time for a little bit to compare. I try to do that. Take snapshots periodically in my mind so that I'll remember them and they'll stay real and important. And so I was comparing myself. I'd think of a snapshot from college, from high school, from middle school. I like to think that I'd have been really happy if I'd been able to see today at one of those old moments back then. That's a good feeling! Movin on up.

As you might have guessed from my post earlier today, my day ended up being an embarrassing, complete waste of a day. Tomorrow is a new day and we're doing it right tomorrow! I feel like I need to be planning my days off better so that I can be sure to pace myself and get everything done. Like, we're in RI this weekend, so Saturday and Sunday are total washes, BUT they're not rest days. I think that I'm going to plan next Monday to be like today, because then it's not a failure. I'll have Monday free until the evening when I teach. I think. I'm excited for myself that I've made a jump from being concerned with getting things done to getting everything done. I've relearned productivity! Next challenge, catch up! Then keep up!!

For a Valentines Day, it ended up being great. V finally acknowledged the holiday and the surprise made it even better. I love Valentines Day. And I do love my valentine!

V quote for the day: "Do you think Anne Hathaway is pretty?" (Me: "Yes") "I don't. I mean, I'd do her, but only if she said please."

Happy Valentines Day!!!

2011-02-14T12:35:00.000-05:00

I was up too late last night and ate pretty much only sweets all weekend, so I'm up at noon and my only good feelings today come from the fact that it's V-day. I tried to eat a bowl of cheerios without sugar and my body totally rejected it. Awesome. Binging, even on holiday weekends, is apparently really bad. My tasks for today pretty much all include going places and I'm never feeling that since it's basically impossible to get there, but, it's a holiday... so I don't have to go, right?? I'm going to act like that closed the post office down. Post office can wait for a couple days. Walmart... I'm stumped. I have to get there today soon at all costs, and then they're going to screw me over when I get there. My main heater doesn't seem to be working right, but we do have hot water right now, so hopefully I can shower and the gas company isn't screwing us over too. I do think the hospital accidentally is because of the car insurance guy, so I need to call them and probably go there too...

Long story short, I'm going back to bed. I'll figure it out in a couple hours. Like a responsible adult would do.

V-day and Karaoke Fun

2011-02-14T01:49:00.000-05:00

Ok here we go. I do have a problem. I've been here for almost a week and a month since Texas vaca and things are getting rough. I've been doing SUCH a good job of being a [semi]responsible adult. I've been working during the day, sleeping at night, doing a surprisingly good job of upholding my new years resolutions. I've been learning lessons and not making as many excuses. I've been making real friends at dances and have even accepted that my best friends are 85 years old. It's pretty ok that my new dance friends aren't young. But the problem is that I still need to have fun. Dancing is fun. And it's also a job. Dances are for promotion. I have to be perfect, remember a million new names, make conversation with everyone, perform on the floor (which I actually really hate). I have to go when I really don't want to go and I have to make even the worst dancers look and feel good. I have to smile a real smile. I'm good at it, but it's exhausting. I wanted to have a nice Valentines dinner this weekend, but instead we had to go to dances. I really do holidays too, so skipping them is a big deal for me.

There's this one guy whom at last night's dance I decided is one of my new best friends (he's like mid-40s) and he invited us to go karaokeing tonight after the dance!! I was super excited. And V was super tired. I convinced V to go and it was a mess. Lesson learned there. So I just feel stuck. I NEED to go out and do things like kareoke with people. Not only does V really not want to go, I need to spend my time with more than one person in my life, and I have no one else to go out with. This kareoke friend lives an hour away. I do have to say that I did a pretty kick butt Ke$ha's "Take It Off" tonight. It was the first song the whole time I was there that people actually stopped and watched. I got 2/6 high fives on the way back to my chair- the only high fives I saw all night. I'm amazing because 1) the dj said no one had ever done that song before. awesome karaoke song (and very difficult to sing since Ke$ha doesn't actually sing. She just auto-tunes), 2) I'm good enough to not be painful on the ears the entire time, 3) I'm bad enough for people to be embarrassed for me. Everyone likes being embarrassed for other people. It makes them feel good about themselves. It's hilarious, really. I had trouble not laughing at myself. I <3 karaoke.

Yesterday one of our students mentioned how VT is an aging community. This of course is nothing new for me. But I was happy to hear that this is actually a fact, not just me being lonely. But I am. Next weekend we'll get to see a new young friend of mine in RI, but it's only in a dance environment. That's just not enough. Here's the other problem. When you go dancing, you pretty much only interact with the opposite sex. I don't even like guys! I want to hang out with girls!! I'm seriously considering just always doing some dances as a lead because it makes me happier anyway. Like, I said, I hate getting nothing and having to make perfection out of it. It's too stressful. As a lead, you're in control of the situation. Honestly, I think life is way easier as a leader than as a follower in dance too.

In celebration of V-day, I bought tons of sweets and have allowed myself to eat them. Stuff myself with them, in fact. And then I fall into a little depression? Coincidence? Probably not. I hope when it's all gone I'll be able to get back on the "diet" (eat as many non-sweets as possible without stopping, all day long). These sweets have expiration dates, so I won't be able to drag it out. That's why I'm binging this weekend. When I call it that, I feel how bad it is. But it's a holiday! (excuse? yes, but also the real reason for buying it) Yayyy I just spilled 7up all over myself and the couch. That was a lucky choice to choose 7up over Coke. What I do hate about the fact that I'm actually eating now is the fact that I have to actually pay for food now. Sucks.

Quote for the day:
V: "I'm going to be a f*cking cowboy for realz"

Selfish About My Self Integrity

2011-02-11T16:52:00.001-05:00

WOW. I just made the most massive breakthrough. It's interesting that my vision of myself used to be a big mess of emotions. When I removed that in favor of that narcissist personality structure a little over a month ago, it's like all the cobwebs freed up. Now I better understand my emotions even. Just now I was reading one of my brilliant relationship books, and here's the tangent I went on from there:

I've always thought of my childhood as one big mess. My parents weren't horrible parents, we didn't struggle, they provided for me and took me where I needed to go, yet in my brain, everything small had just gotten way out of hand and I was constantly suffering. It's like there was no logical explanation other than that I was lonely and creative. My reality was what no one else could see or really even affect much. I've still felt a lot of hostility for being so alone though.

Why was I alone? I'm an only child, so there's the start. My parents didn't play with me like I need to be played with. Parents are incapable of that kind and amount of play anyway. I felt ignored by them, and I recently found out that my family always thought it was strange that I would go in the other room and be able to entertain myself all day. I hated being by myself all the time and when I went to school, I didn't know how to make real friends.

My dad doesn't understand kids and he's selfish. He's selfish in a way of "this is how it's going to be, I'm getting my way, deal with it". He feels deserving. On the receiving end of such a statement of course has been pain and the feeling of worthlessness, but the place where the message comes from isn't entirely bad. I also accidentally learned not to compromise who I am. I've thought my goal in life was to be happy, but it's really to maintain my integrity in who I am. More on that later.

I've done crazy things that normal children never do. Take my memory of my first "best friend" from kindergarden. In 1st grade, her neighbor came to our school too. They were much better best friends. I became the 3rd wheel. I'm not sure how long I followed them around, but it didn't take long. My memory is those two walking and talking, me between but mostly behind them listening. Something went off inside of me that I was NOT going to live this life. I'm better than the fate of an invisible 3rd wheel. I turned around silently and walked the other way. Done. In a way it's a really mature thing to do. In another, it's incredibly stupid. Where was I going? Somewhere else on the playground where I failed at my scared attempts to make real friends. Now I was really alone.

It's the story of my adolescence too. Is it more adaptive to be a follower in a group or in charge and alone? To each her own. I just know there were few people as marginalized as I was. I was never going to be popular, but I refused to be involved in that game at all. I don't do peer pressure. I played a big role in pushing myself out. And as we discussed earlier, I don't do alone. I'm introverted but I need need need close friends. I was miserable and wouldn't have made it through at all without the couple of close (also crazy) friends I had.

So that brings me here. A lot has happened since then, of course. I'm still selfish and spoiled and I'm just not settling. I'm not settling for anything. I'm in charge of my destiny, whether it withers to the ground or flourishes like I plan for it to. So I guess I've always risked everything for my integrity. By integrity, I mean my right to be my own whole self. To act as a good person as I see fit and with worth, regardless of what others may judge. The others' judgment part is key. I don't really want to attach morals to this definition, but as an aside, I guess I think the highest good anyone can do is to make their own world brilliant and whole and then to give that and themselves to the outside world. That's really all we can do. I'm not a follower. I have something big to offer. We all do if we care to find and cultivate it.

I guess my narcissism is adaptive in some ways as long as I'm careful to keep that in check and not channel it toward people. I have to channel it into business and make my businesses work. I need my selfishness to help me be brave and hardworking. It has to prove worthy of all the trouble and pain. I can't let it be my downfall. Deserving everything and offering importance can be among my best assets. They're assets that I'll always have access to.

And that's how it's going to be. I'm getting my way. Deal with it!!!

Living In Crisis Mode

2011-02-11T01:28:00.000-05:00

I've settled down a bit since last night's post. I had an ok day. Pretty good given the circumstances.

Ok. Glee?? I'll never understand that show. I keep giving it one last chance. I don't get it. Though the big black girl is on Leno right now and she's super cute. I don't really know how to talk about fatness (or black people for that matter), but she talked about her size so I think it's ok to go there. I have a friend who's an advocate for fat people and I never understand her world, so that confuses me more. I think she actually wrote a blog post about how Glee is insulting because it treats the characters as "different". I don't know. That might not have even been her. Whatever, I'm passing no judgment and I have food/weight issues so I can say whatever I want, right? Conversely everything racial or whatever I say will come across as racist just because I'm white. That's how it works. Some comedian talks about that. Probably Chris Rock. Man he's funny. I don't understand why people get offended by things.

My brain all of a sudden wants to take this conversation in two different directions:
1. She talked about how she did millions of auditions in Hollywood and got all no's, so she took a break, decided she needed to just focus on herself and find confidence inside to be strong. When she came back to auditioning, she got her "yes" for Glee. That's the kind of crazy stuff that inspires me. I read a business article earlier about how we hear about the crazy entrepreneurs like Mary Kay and Hugh Heffner who risk everything and then become insanely rich and successful, but that that's not what usually happens. Usually entrepreneurs get successful by starting small. Showbiz isn't like that though. I live a little bit in both worlds what with dancing and my businesses. In reality, I should live in the business world but in my head, I live in the Hollywood risk it all world. My therapist tells me it's because I'm bipolar. While she's a genius and I tend to agree, I'm not sure how that works. Did I just learn my manic habits and now I live them all the time? Because I'm not always manic when I'm risking everything, and I'm pretty much always living in risk mode. It probably has to do with the fact that I like drama so much and risking is dang fun. Living in stressful reactive mode actually takes off the pressure to make intelligent choices. It also means I'm never in a position to make intelligent choices, and that's no good and we're working on it. I'm getting way better. Feeling my own emotions should help me to not crave lots of triggers for more that can be more easily validated. Or at least that's how it works in my head. I'm getting better. Man I'm craving a giant cupcake.
2. I don't remember and I've already written too much to be able to validate going back and figuring it out. This is a big mess of a post. And now I'm too tired to write about what I actually wanted to write about. Dang it.

In other news, quickly, yesterday afternoon, I got a call that I was no longer allowed to use water. No warning. Just no more water. So I've been living in crisis mode (my favorite place to live, but this is NOT a fun crisis!!!! you can't tell OCD people this). Apparently, people were using water anyway, and I was not, so they turned off the water all day today. Around 6:30pm tonight, I got a call that I'm allowed to use a bare minimum. So I'm like screw this I'm taking a shower!!!!! It was a quick shower. But seriously. I had to cancel going to a dance tonight, because I went to a dance last night and wasn't able to shower and I just could not bring myself to go in public like that tonight, especially since I'd be in other people's arms all night. Last night I wore makeup that I'm mildly allergic to because it was clean to put on. I had to brush my teeth when I got to the dance, and I had to wash my face before I left. So I'm being very careful. But, like, the 8 bowls I had soaking? I had to empty those out. This kind of thing. YUCK. I think I'm going to campus tomorrow so I can at least go to the bathroom and stuff. I can shower there. But I have to leave in... 6 hours. Fantastic.

Honest Performance Art

2011-02-10T03:26:00.001-05:00

Wow I have a lot I want to write about right now. My "curfew", which I've amazingly been following consistently now, is in 40 minutes, so I don't think I should get very far, but we'll see what we can do! I just feel like I have a lot to say. That happens. Mania. Fyi, we're just going to start referring to my hypomania as mania because it's just a lot easier. I don't really ever get manic episodes. Or at least usually not. In fact, if you've seen one, you probably know it, and I never really considered those little outbreaks, also known as "silly time", to be mania, but they probably are. You were probably very confused and maybe scared because you were so confused. Anyway, it's almost always hypomania and we're calling it mania.

Here's why I'm excited, or at least what I'm excited about:
1. The song "Jar of Hearts". OMG listening to it over and over again now. I can't get enough of it. I think I heard it for the first time a few months ago and I thought it was that song they remade for "Social Network" (which movie I'm angry about because I timed my netflix check-out movie so I could see "Social Network" when it became available on Monday and it didn't work out yet. I need my JT!), so I was like I love this song! Then I realized that it's not that song at all. So the first time I heard it, it must have just been so me that it was like an old friend. Anyway, I'm in love with it, and I still get chills every time I listen to it. The singer Christina Perri is fantastic. I try to imagine some mainstream female vocalist that I like singing it- like Fergie or Katie Perry (both of whom I have asides about, but I'll try to focus. we'll come back to that)- and I don't even know if I'd like the song. I probably would. But I really don't think they have the maturity to sing it like this girl does. It's so real. She feels it and she expresses it and I believe it and I get chills. Youtube it. It's unbelievable. And don't mind the interpretive dancers in the back in the music video... I don't particularly like that kind of dancing, but I was just thinking about how I wish I could give a performance as emotionally real and she does in this song. My best bet for a medium would be dance, and it's pretty emo, so I'd probably have to go with the interpretive dance anyway. I think the dancing in the video might actually add to it. But the song definitely doesn't need it. It's perfect and I love it right now. It's the feeling I want to feel.

I also had a thought earlier about the love eyes thing. I generally fake that about 90% of the time. Generally if my eyes are smiling, it's probably fake, and if they're not smiling, that's probably fake too. The remaining 10% is either by accident or particularly special, because I'm not crazy about being emotionally honest at all. Maybe that's why I like performance art. It's a really safe way to express emotions. I can't be real enough in that. Watching art, I show my emotions and allow myself to feel. In normal people situations, no. For the past few months I've been really thinking about being more emotionally honest with the world and with myself, because things get very confusing when you don't even know how you feel, and I often don't. If I stumble across a song like "Jar of Hearts" that embodies the exact emotion that I probably should be feeling but am fighting or am having trouble accessing, enter song on continuous loop. That makes feeling easy! Maybe a little bit misguided since the emotion might not be exactly what I'd feel on my own (just close), but it's like finding your artistic character. Copying an idol is like having training wheels. I adore Itzhak Perlman. I played all of my violin songs just like he does, and that's how I learned how to play emotionally. From there, I had to start making the jump to being interesting on my own. So I listen to these songs now, and with them playing, I can start to work through my actual emotions SUCH AS right now how I'm writing a brilliant post about emotions because I'm being prompted in the background. Ok just click here and watch it!

I'll take a break and regroup. That was only #1. In its fairly extended form.

Oh yeah and it also explain why I feel ten thousand times more comfortable dancing on stage than in class or in a club or in my mirror at home even if the dancing includes taking my clothes off, as we have experienced. Burlesque, people! Geez! And how I accidentally got myself groped like three times tonight social dancing and didn't care at all. I think that's why the old guys like to dance with me...

Back to Vietnamese! And Snow Talk

2011-02-08T20:36:00.000-05:00

Slow start today, but V's working late, so I've still had plenty of time to be productive. I finally got back into Dance Central again, and I'm currently doing Vietnamese. I've been focusing on doing one thing at a time and really being in the moment, because I have a bad habit of doing like 5 things at once, then I can't remember what I've done, and I probably haven't done anything terribly well. Plus it does get a little stressful. In a way I like, but it's probably not good for me. BUT, I have to do Viet on the 10 year old Mac, so it works amazingly well for it's age... but it's slow. And Rosetta Stone is kind of a complex thing to run. So I'm tired of staring at the screen while it's frozen. I'll blog on my baby computer! Btw even when I was "focusing" on it before blogging, I was eating too. It's impressive to eat AND be graded on your pronunciation. But that's still multitasking and I don't want to be doing that. Well I DO... but... yeah. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with the words though, which is exciting. I don't get totally nervous every time I have to say anything, and I'm being graded well too!

I'm done with this whole winter thing up here. I can't keep track of it anymore. For a while, it was exciting, and we were having one big storm a week, so it was simple to prepare and care. Now, I get texts 24 hours a day from weather.com about snow, windchill, winter warnings, etc. I should probably look at those settings... but that didn't used to happen! Now the weather is just all over the place. It snows a lot, then a little, then we get a heat wave (over freezing) and it starts melting and getting ugly and dangerous, then it snows again, then it gets really cold, then it's supposed to snow and it doesn't, then it unfreezes, BLEH. Make up your mind weather! It looks like tomorrow night we'll FINALLY get down to Northampton to advertise, which is really important. We had our first class here last night and, sadly, it was kind of lame. What are we supposed to do when the news is telling everyone to stay home and prepare for bad weather? This needs to stop. Or at least stop every Monday and Wednesday and Saturday. Cross your fingers for next week!

We did go play on Sunday, and we weren't really prepared for much. I need to buy some sleds online, because otherwise, we have to just stand and watch the fun. There's a little T-lift for skiers and snowboarders. The hill isn't huge, but it's still enough to be fun. I wish we had money for skis and junk, but that stuff is expensive. Maybe next year. We'll at LEAST get sleds soon. We'll still have that opportunity for fun for another couple of months, so that's good. Let's snow JUST enough to make snow sports fun, ok weather? We did go ice skating and there was only an hour left or something, so they let us do it for free. Usually it's really cheap anyway. But that was nice of them and it was fun. It was V's first time and he was mystified by the zambonie. He gets so excited. And then for days he's like "we need little girls so we can take them ice skating!!!" Umm let's wait.

As you see below, I tried out that plinky.com thing where you get an account with them and you answer questions they provide and then your answers get posted on your blog. Of course mine wouldn't link up so I had to post it the long way. I doubt I'll do it often, but I like that question, so I thought I'd go for it :)

How many times have you been in love? (plinky.com)

2011-02-06T20:11:00.001-05:00

How many times have you been in love? (question from plinky.com)

Twice in love in a general, caring way. Twice in a sweet, piercing, pure, unconditional way- like one of those spotlights that shoots into the air from car lots so you can see the location from miles away. A little naive. Once like the shell of an infinitely large blossom- an outline like a coloring book to which color is added from the inside little by little- mysterious and always maturing with no limit.

Life Anew!

2011-02-06T12:36:00.001-05:00

Since our Christmas break, we've been here for a month on Tuesday. That's it!!! It seems like it's been months. Why does that all seem so far away? Maybe the physical distance converted into time duration in my brain. Then there's the extreme lifestyle difference- weather, demographics, schedule, activities, work, everything. When we came up here in August, I had to test everything out and find some kind of normal, and I think I'd done a sufficient job of at least identifying what a new life could be before I left for Texas. Upon returning, that meant I was more ready for BOOM! Change. Totally new life. And now I'm living it like it was mine to begin with. Does that make sense? It sort of makes sense to me. It's like I made this new "me" costume out of what I had and what I'd found so far, left to finish being me, came back and put the costume on. Now I'm new me! Just like that. It only took 6 months before I could figure ANYTHING out at all... (oh yeah, and we moved up here 6 months and 4 days ago).

If we get moving now, I think we can go play in the snow at the big park. It depends on what kind of equipment we can rent there because V took our snowshoes back and I'm really sad :(. I blew out my snow boots too so now the best I have is rain boots and V has nothing really. But we'll have to go now if we do anything and I'm tired... slept all night but slept poorly. Snow play? Be lazy? Snow play? Be lazy? Snow play???

Another Snow Day?

2011-02-06T11:59:00.000-05:00

Written Thursday:
Yesterday V was snowed in. Fun, right!? NO. He drove me crazy. I've been soo productive during the days lately. Yesterday? No. I ended up getting some stuff done but still missed out on some really important tasks, ex. paying rent and emailing our students about our upcoming classes. Super important! Rent's done now, so I need to send out that email PRONTO. Oi. What am I so busy doing? I don't know. But I know it's like a full time job. Today I'll also figure out more online advertising including craigslist, make flyers, and this weekend I'll walk downtown and have V take me other places and post them. YUCK. Since it blizzards every Wednesday when I NEED to go to Northampton to advertise, you'd think the weather could be nice and warm up a bit so I could go flyer without being completely miserable. Oh well. At least tonight V doesn't get home until late so I'll have plenty of time to keep being productive. This morning I wasn't home to write my newsletter because I went to the doctor and...

my anemia rocks!!! My iron levels are good and my anemia almost doesn't exist anymore! YAY!!! I win, anemia. You lose!!! And you'll continue to lose!!!

Eating, Dancing, Working, and Staying Warm!

2011-01-31T17:07:00.001-05:00

I've been stuffing myself all day with the healthiest foods I can think of, and I figured out all the stats that are important to me. I decided to try out one of those food tracking sites again and it came up with a different total than mine, but here's what I came up with so far: 812 Calories, 27 grams of Protein, 75% Niacin, 205% Iron, 39 g of Sugar. It actually doesn't look too bad on paper. I'm surprised. But I also know that most of the calories are empty. The niacin and iron percentages have all come from fortified things like cereals, which means they barely count. But eating at all is an accomplishment for me, and sweets like candy kind of don't even appeal to me for some reason. You're not supposed to have more than 30 g of sugar a day, so I'll go over that but in a very impressively low way today!

This past weekend, we went for coaching in Rhode Island. We ended up working on choreography the whole time, which kind of sucks, but we're in good shape. We've decided to start with polka to replace nightclub because we're better off on choreography there, but I'm nervous about V. I've competed in polka a bit, but I'm still a bit afraid my technique won't be up to par. He has basically never learned competitive polka technique. And it's our first dance out, so we have to make an amazing impression. We're planning on going once a month down there, which will be good, just incredibly expensive. We found a fantastic male instructor in Boston, which is an equal distance from us, but we don't have a place to stay there. We're planning on being there for a bit over spring break somehow, so we'll get a lesson then! I danced with him the other night at a dance and he made me look GOOD. I felt like I was amazing and V said I looked great too. It's his job to make me look good! It's my job to make my students look good too, and I think I do a pretty good job, but he's phenomenal. We're excited to have found him. The dance community in RI and the students he brought from Boston made Saturday the best dance we've ever been to. Austin should be so ashamed. They have no excuse for their ballroom and country to be so much poorer than New England.

Our coach wants us to open a studio immediately. She talks about it like it's no big deal. That is very encouraging, but scary. Our main problem right now is that we can't get enough floor space, so having our own studio would solve that. That means that if we were to teach slightly more than we did in our last series, we would pay rent with no profit. Since it was our first series and we have few students so far, that's encouraging. But we still need profit immediately! It's a risk. I act like I'm not prone to taking larger risks than are smart, but that's one of the greatest characteristics that entrepreneurs have to possess/cultivate, so I'm good there! I never posted my "things" resolutions... but one is going to be to open a studio by the end of the year. It really isn't that big of a deal when we start small... I think we can do it. I'll make it happen! Now I just need to get my act together and not be lazy so I can find students!

To keep you updated on the weather, Wednesday is approaching, which means it's almost blizzard/deadly temperature time. Every week! It's so ridiculous! Almost like clockwork. We're expecting over a foot of snow. The upside is that it'll be pretty here again, so hopefully we can get out this weekend and take more pictures and tube and stuff like I want! The snow gets brown and ugly, and that's where we are now. It's gross. People say that March/April are mud season. I can totally understand that already. As far as the snow goes, I don't know where we're going to put it. Someone made a joke about how pulling out at an intersection is like "whack-a-mole" where you pop out and just hope you don't get hit! It's so true! There's no visibility around the snow mounts they made in clearing the roads. We already scratched our car with ice by cutting a corner. Awesome. So practicing tonight is very important. We'll be snowed in at least for the next few after that!

I've been pretty crazy lately- more so than usual- but I've also been very good about dealing. Meaning, I'm having serious OCD issues but I'm fighting them well. I'm very aware all of a sudden. I'm feeling more OCD things than I thought. It's probably the noticing that's helping, but it's more than that. I've gotten off of the routines I'm supposed to be doing even though I've been up all day for days and actually sleeping through the night- oversleeping in fact, which is bad too though. Tonight: practice, Vietnamese, Dance Central. Dishes everyday is another goal. That seems silly but it's hard for me with my OCD. V promised me he'd replace the faucets with ones that'll help me and that makes me very happy. I'm not sure what changed his mind, but it's exciting. I guess he realized that it'll help me to clean and that'll help him.

I've had quality things to say and have just been very distracted. I'll try to give you something of substance very soon. Here's to making this day a good, productive one!

Chaos!

2011-01-27T11:59:00.000-05:00

I've been without internet for most of the last couple of days, so pardon my lack of postage. I'll give you this for now:

It has been brought to my attention that somehow the most random, ridiculous problems seem to follow me. I didn't say it! If I thought it, I followed the thought with positive thoughts and the fact that I'm one of very many people in this world and can't imagine I'm that terribly unique. Everyone has problems. So I feel much better when I am told that I do, in fact, have the most random lack of luck, possibly in the entire world. BUT, I will say that I have random good luck too. It just happens that every second of my life is plagued by insane bad luck, then every very rare once in a while, something huge and amazing will happen. Worth it? I guess that satisfied my desire to be "anything but ordinary". In a way, I feel like my drama-queen character is more of a coping mechanism than a reason for constant emotional chaos. If everything is chaotic, emotional chaos must follow. Why not find the best in it?

They Weren't Kidding About the Cold

2011-01-24T04:55:00.000-05:00

My update on the death cold advisory is that it's 4am, -13 degrees with a -25 wind chill. They're still predicting that it'll get down to -20 with a -35 wind chill, probably around 7am. V has a doctors appointment at 9:30am that, like me last week, he is not prepared for (I'm not used to having to do homework for my and my husband's doctors appointments). I got out of mine because of a blizzard, so we're kind of hoping he can get out of this one because of the -15/-29 degree expectation. The weather people have been warning us for days that we're going to get frost bite and junk if we're not careful, so we'll call before the appointment and ask if he'll die if he goes outside. I imagine doctors know that kind of death stuff. I think to myself that it's just cold- he'll just be going to the car (that may or may not start and won't run long enough to really get the heater going)- what's the problem? And then I remember that -15/-29 is really effing cold.

Needless to say, we were not able to play in the snow today, and tomorrow is pretty much out of the question as well. We're supposed to go to a potluck at school at 11am and it's predicted to still be in the negatives. I highly prefer to avoid single and negative digits, but it's supposed to be like that all day, and it's do-able. V already made some Viet curry or something. And it'll be good to have to get to school early so we can be there and have time to practice before it gets dark, negative, and snowy. School starts on Tuesday, so I don't know when we can go play in the park, but I assume we'll have plenty more snow to fluff it back up again before the winter is over! Maybe we can take some pictures on the hill at school tomorrow. When we played there before, it was too hard to capture much in the dark though we tried!

My update on sugar is that I think withdrawals give me hot flashes. I almost accomplished something incredibly amazing today- a whole day without refined sugar. I was briefly very motivated to make it through the day. And then I had a hot flash. This is not the first time lately to have that happen. I realized, oh, maybe I get them when I'm really hungry. It's certainly not because I'm going through menopause. So I finished my dinner from earlier. Broccoli and chicken that's too spicy for me anyway didn't cut it. So I had Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I know, I know, I broke it right before bed. I don't think I feel like I failed, because only CTC in a day is a big accomplishment, but it would have been cooler to make it all day. The sugar did make me feel better. And now it's making me feel worse. It took about 30 minutes to crash from my sugar high. I never used to crash, and I don't think it was only because I'd eat more sugar before I did. I take crashing to be a good sign toward control.

I don't think I've gone to bed before 3:30am a single time all year like I resolved, so... I'm going to go to bed soon. Rosetta Stone or sleep?